Sunday, October 06, 2013

moustache magic (with adverts)

hi there

well, readers/viewers of the last few blogs to feature images of me will have noted two things. one is that no, my appearance to the world is not getting any better, with the second being that my beard was getting to that sort of length which sees the celebrated Seal Team Six try to dock a boat at your house and attempt to "lawfully detain" or otherwise dispose of you. i suspect that doing something about the second part does not really do much to influence the first. it may well help avoid those class marines or whatever they are from trying to dock in a city known for being landlocked, at the least.

i appreciate that blogs are supposed to be self-indulgent, "me, Me, ME" things, but on the whole i really only like writing about stuff that interests and amuses me, and i do not do either for myself. to make this worthwhile, then, i have shoved a whole load of adverts in. you can fastforward them i suppose, although you may miss out on class products. like this one.



a vibra-finger gum massager, for your gums (honest) looks like a most excellent idea. vibrating things, after all, seldom makes things any worse than they are. i honestly would have thought, in innocence, that toothpaste applied with a toothbrush, and maybe some mouthwash, would do the job. i am no dentist though, and dentists seem to favour the vibra-finger.

my mate Spiros reckons there's something else one can put in their mouth. what he suggests needs the help of another mate, and whilst it strictly speaking does not vibrate it can be made to do a sort of "rubbing" motion and will probably help your gums. he swears by this, but for now i think i will stick with the toothpaste. and no, i do not use love bead toothpaste.

oh yes, haircut. for some reason the post i did about the last haircut, featuring some awesome sideburns, was quite popular. feel free to have a look if you like, in particular if you have a sense that this current post is likely to be absolute crap.

having done sideburns already, it was time to do another experiment or tribute with my hair. doing a moustache might stike you as lazy, and perhaps it is, but it was all i could think of.



yes, i had other clothes on, thanks, just the shirt off to allow for the shirt to be hair-free as my (considerably) better half did her thing. are full frontal pictures of me available? if you are asking that sort of thing then i suspect you are on entirely the wrong kind of website for the stuff you are interested in, but everything has a price.

who am i trying to pay tribute to with the moustache and quasi-bald head? no idea, really. the only person looking anything like that which comes to my mind is Bomber out of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet when he did that one Indiana Jones film and had a similar look. i think he got his head battered off a plane propellor in that one, aften Indy had made some less than successful attempts to punch him in the face.

Bomber was a German in that one, a German at the time that the Nazis were in power and on the rise, but before the start of World War II i think. this is a good thing as Indy had some ooh la la with that lass that was the daughter of his mate that owned a bar, and if the Nazis were already at war with the world at that point Indiana Jones having some ooh la la with her or anyone would basically have been like him giving that Ark thing with the funny ghosts in to Hitler. according to this advert.



old Adolf looks, apart from Randy, a bit like one of the characters out of them Archie comics in that advert, does he not? i think it's Reggie i am thinking of, the flash git one. not the one that eats all the hamburgers and that, the other guy.

oddly, this is not the first instance of moustaches, Spiros, Germany and your humble narrator being associated with each other. i ask that you fold time with me and go back to the era when this picture was taken.



yes, that's me as the construction worker out of the Village People, dressed to celebrate Spiros turning 21 or something. Spiros is not in the picture as, oddly, putting the entire bar budget into one massive glass and making him drink it did not work as well as we had hoped. never mind, the other chap you can see the face of (assuming you have correctly identified me) is a German. a class one called Otto, no less.

no, i have no idea why i am firing what appears to be a green water pistol. i was probably quite excited about something or other. i would be sure alcohol and whatever was being smoked enhanced that excitement a very great deal indeed.

oh, back to the haircut thing. here i am, apparently an ear short and not smiling as much as i could be, showing off the moustache look once more. am i not smiling because i am an ear short? doubt it, for the ear is there somewhere.



i suppose, in trying to keep the pretence that there's some structure here and i am not simply making it up as i go along, if i had one of them leather hat things i could have revisited my days as the construction worker out of the Village People and had a go at being the Leatherman. or the Police dude i suppose, but i would probably need a police helmet for that rather than a leather cap.

Magnum? no.

something that bothers a lot of people - not me - is probably that after they have done something like get a haircut they find that they no longer go to the bathroom and do their thing quite like they used to. for some reason their bodily functions take on a sort of post-modernist tendency.

help is at hand, though, for it seems that a few glasses of Sailor Jerry will help you go wee-wee's just like you did before, or "back in the day" if you are an American.



my (considerably) better half, who at no point might i add even offered me some Sailor Jerry, let alone raised the subejct of anything at all to do with the bathroom, did remonstrate with me a touch and suggested that i at least try and smile in one or two of these pictures.

if that is what m'lady wants, and since i am clearly out of shaven-headed people to suggest i might be paying tribute to with this look, why not present such a picture.

Pat Roach - that was the name of him that did Bomber and that Indiana Jones things. Welsh, i think he was, since we have to speak sadly in the past tense, i believe he passed away not so long ago.



i am not the best person to ask, at all, but i think i look slightly less scary and all that in the above, oddly. almost nice and slightly like someone you could approach without fear of being shouted at.

an added benefit of having less hair means less hair washing. this saves on the shampoo bill, for sure, but it also saves water. doing things like saving water are most likely really good for the environment and that, which all gents trying to pull some sort of strange hippie chick will tell you is of great benefit.

as i am married to what some may see as a strange hippie chick i really have no wish or intention of trying to pull another one - trust me, just the one is f****** more than enough. helping the environment by saving water seems like a good idea all the same, though.

i would try this, i suppose, but it is seldom that i have at least three other men anywhere near me when it's time to have a shower.



does my mate Spiros have a Bradley Group Shower? to the best of my knowledge he has no idea of  a concept of a shower that only one man uses at a time, to be honest. yes, he does a lot of things with men, as much as he can really. he likes the comradeship, i guess. and the bonding.

however much nicer i may accidentally look with a moustache, no it was not staying. it would have been far too much faffing about to shave around it every day or every other day. call me boring, conservative and as dull as you like, but if it is all the same with you i will stick to as high a degree of conformity across my facial hair as possible, thanks.

observe the finished product, of sorts, then!



a number of you will be aware, in particular those of you associated (by guilt or implicaton) with me on that facebook thing, that i have been subjected to a long running battle of wits with Simon Le Bloody Bon out of Duran Duran. for some reason he has taken to the idea of attempting to impersonate me, mostly by trying (rather well, in fairness) to have a beard like mine. well, then, let's see him try and have a go at this look.

yes indeed i am smoking in that picture right there. has anyone, you ask, ever had a conversation with me in which they have suggested i switch brands? a suggestion that took on an unexpected level of force and physical assault? not that i recall, to be honest. i can sort of remember many conversations of that "why do you not quit" variety.

if someone said "why not try one of these" then i probably would, but it is unlikely i would switch from Marlboro. i would not see it as a reason to start a fight myself, which would seem to be far, so very far indeed, away from the approach taken by people who smoke something called Tareyton.



if we assume for the moment that the above shows a real, genuine black eye and is not some crap, pre-photoshop attempt at adding effects to a picture, then i must say the defence the lady gave of her Tareyton's is almost as impressive as the fact that she didn't lose any teeth or get a fat lip in the battle to stick with her brand of choice.

another picture of me to break up the series of adverts? really? OK, here is me from the other angle from the other one.



which "profile side" comes out best in pictures of me is something that i am unaware of, and does not really interest me. i can sort of recall some singer, possibly him that looks like one of the elves out of that midget film with the fields and the volcano and the ring, Nick Cave, insists on only being photographed from the left when he is onstage doing songs and that. or maybe it was the right.

i don't think it was Nick Cave anyway, but it might have been him. certainly not Bono, though, he doesn't seem too bothered just so long as they are taking pictures of him and not Adam or Larry or that other one.

nope, i can't think of a way to tie any of the above in with the next, final advert, so here you go, here's an advert for a very reasonably priced automatic firing tripod machine gun.



at just under $2 for one, i would probably buy 5 at first to make sure i was happy with them, and then go and buy a load more. not that i have guns, or want one, or even like them. my bathroom door is just fine the way it is, thanks.

there's a school of thought that the above is merely a regular machine gun shoved on the wheels off a typists' type of chair and has an exhausted toilet paper roll shove on it, but i for the most part disagree. a better design, and what seems to be what the manufacturers have gone with here, would be to simply shove a machine gun up the arse of a telescope.

i do hope the tripod that it is on has some sort of telescopic neck or whatever, otherwise it's difficult to understand the practical applications of that thing. you would have to lie down and use it, i guess, or you could stand it on the roof of your car and fire away. if your bedside table was positioned in an interesting way i suppose you could have a go at using it on the bathroom door, if that's what does it for you.

it is not often i have been so drunk or if you will legless that i have ever felt the need to "sort out" the bathroom door with any sort of weapon, but Sprios' 21st was probably a time that i could have been persuaded to, in particular if the bathroom door sounded suspicious, or did not join in with us singing Viva Espania at one point. my moustache did, however, fall off, leaving just my class sideburns.



as a lot of you seemed to have quite liked the sideburns i had on the go in the post similar to this i thought i'd throw that last picture in as an apology for any offence caused by the moustache. i hope, if that is the reason you have used this pictue, that the apology is then satisfactory.

the "bling" i have on, in regards of the necklace, is something that was being used to open and close the blinds in the office of one of my lecturers at University. a cheap and relatively easy fashion accessory for all you kids to go off and obtain if for some reason you want to look as stylish as me.

i think i've exhausted this subject. thanks for reading, etc.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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