Friday, October 25, 2013

glasses, or thwarting Simon Le Bloody Bon

hi there

just so you know and we are all clear on this up front, i suspect this could be the single most self-indlugent, "me me me" blog post i have ever done. i will, as a consequence, do my best to include as many things that are not me and thus are actually interesting, but you've been warned. if you don't want to take the risk i will understand, happy reading in some other corner of this blog or the rest of the net.

i have some new glasses. no, they have nothing to do with Barbara Streisand, or feeling a need to wear different spectacles to listen to her music in. i could write it that way, but it would undermine my next class idea involving Barbs. so i won't. instead it has more to do with trying to discourage Simon Le Bon from imitating my look.

yes, dear reader, yes i did. i went and got some of them Ray Bans as part of this.

why Ray Bans? mostly because my (considerably) better half really liked the look, and they suited me for a number of reasons, none of which are particularly aesthetic. appearance, yes, but not the aesthetics of that. i have long grown to accept defeat.

as many of you will be aware, Simon Le Bon has for some bizarre reason tried to start looking like me. this is to say he has grown a beard. he has also started to dress in a very poor manner too. it can only be a matter of time, then, before he hits the Marlboro and the pies too to complete the look.

just what it is Simon hopes to gain from looking like me is as much of a mystery to me as it is to you. i have no idea why he wants to do it, but he must be stopped. i don't mind him looking like me, but the consequence is that people assume that i look like him, and as a result people might start thing i am in fact Simes. this would lead to all sorts of uncomfortable situations along the lines of "cougars" making unsolicited sexual approaches, sailors asking me to help them with their rigging and cocaine dealers wanting to do some business. i am rather keen to avoid at least two of those.

how do they look on me? well, see for yourself. here's one of them "selfie" things (one of many to feature here if you didn't catch the warning earlier), taken in a mirror as i am ledt to believe you are supposed to.

people are being very kind and say they look really good on me. this is very much appreciated, but i know they mean that the frames are ace, not the wearer. that's cool.

right now you may be wondering why exactly wearing Ray Bans frames would help thwart Simon Le Bloody Bon's plans on looking like me. well, quite simply, neither Simes nor any member of Duran Duran would ever wear Ray Bans. ever. they are still too angry and cross about how one of the single most iconic scenes in cinema history, the scene that gave Ray Bans to the world, could have featured their music, but did not.

what movie scene? why, not only the single most homoerotic moment in any film ever, but quite possibly the single most homoerotic work of art or statement ever made.

yes, the volleyball scene out of Top has never ever been topped in terms of sheer homoerotic thrills, no matter how hard some have tried. sure, that New Zealand fella tried, but the love expressed by the midgets in Lord Of The Rings was merely nine hours of carnal homosexual lust. not that there's anything wrong with that; it just lacked the romantic edge of the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Duran Duran could have been as integral a part of this beautiful, moving and touching moment as Ray Bans are. however, the producers opted to use Playing With The Boys by Kenny Loggins as the soundtrack for the scene, instead of, say, The Wild Boys.  Duran Duran were thus denied their place in the history of homoeroticism.

not that in any way, shape or form are Duran homophobic. it is not their fault the song was not used. or maybe it is, i don't know. i do know that Duran spread a message of universal love, harmony and acceptance. i hope if they ever remake Top Gun then Duran gets used on the volleyball scene, as that will make it even better.

this pic proved rather popular when i posted it on that social network thing, probably because of the presence of black boxes. here it is for you anyway.

i'd like to think, then, that in owning a pair of these Ray Bans things, i am showing my appreciation for the volleyball scene in Top Gun and my general, overall support for acceptance, understanding and "just dig what you dig" approach to homoerotic things.

here's me looking all serious and that to prove the point.

and indeed, as if to press some sort of subliminal agenda in all of this, here's a look at one of the finer homoerotic moments from that class volleyball scene in Top Gun.

with the kind of anger he probably has about his bands' music not being in that scene, i cannot see Simon Le Bon wearing a pair of Ray Bans in the near future. unless you have to wear them when you do the sailing and that.

but he probably does not smoke, or at least not in public, so if i keep it up with the Marlboro then i should be in the clear, even if he does wear Ray Bans at some point. whilst sailing.

there's also the small matter that Simon Le Bon does not regularly present images of himself taken with class Commodore 64 modes put on the iTwat camera thing. i, as you are aware, do, and here i am in the new ones with that very mode switched on.

i do look almost close to decent when i am pictured in Commodore 64 mode, don't i? no? well, i look no worse at least, and it amuses me.

Simes would probably not endorse anything Commodore 64 related as there was never an ace Duran Duran game made for the Commodore 64. there was one for Frankie Goes To Hollywood, which is probably why that band would wear Ray Bans at some point and, if requested, would pose for a Commodore 64 style picture. maybe.

another look at Ray Bans in action in the volleyball scene from Top Gun? sure.

as there is, then, every chance that Simes might decide to bite the bullet, or pillow if you like, and start wearing Ray Bans in non-sailing avenues to help him look more like me, i took a precaution out. an insurance policy, if you like. yes, a second pair of glasses that are not Ray Bans.

yep, you read that right. they are called PANTHER glasses. as in Sex Panther. i didn't know that before i selected the frames, but it is not like that would have stopped me.

i chose them mostly, of course, because they look very much like the style of frame sported by both assassins and the more motorcycle based police officers in action films from the late 70s and early 80s. you just don't get a better or more class look than that.

unfortunately i am not really in a position to show off a reenactment of any one of dozens of scenes from such movies that would feature such class frames. outside of not having a firearm, i have no wish to damage the bathroom door. i can, however, show you how i would look in one of those "mood setting" scenes from one of them films as i drove around to do some assassin or cop stuff.

but obviously not cop stuff on a motorcycle, as i am in a car.

these aren't just glasses, though. they are them special ones that go darker when it gets brighter, and go lighter as it gets darker. i cannot recall the fancy name for them - reflactive or reflective or some other such nonsense that no doubt a scientist got paid a very great deal to come up with.

i had vowed never to get another pair of them, to be honest. the last ones i got were 20 or so years ago, and they seemed to just stay constantly dark. it was annoying as they made me look like some sort of Cuban refugee for most of the time. well, that i had a proclivity for Hawaiian style shirts at the time probably didn't help matters, but the glasses were certainly an enabler.

the technology would seem to have got better in those two decades, however, as these are ace. they do indeed go lighter and darker as they are supposed to, something which impresses the boys a very great deal indeed. it's like i am a magician.

to that end, when they go dark i can also pretend i am in the ace video for Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, only without the class 70s suit. or backpack.

yeah, i'd like to see Simon Le Bon try and do that look. i think that's him thwarted.

but in thwarting Simes, i have walked into another problem. one of the nicest, best and class things i have ever been called or mistaken for in this world is a "slightly chubby Bono". the person who called that has perhaps more influence on me than they might think - their words and comments exude a sense of universal positive, and this chap thinks and talks the way i simply wish i did at all times. sadly, i am probably just far too much of a twat to be, but i can try.

anyway, getting confused with Bono could be even more perilous than being confused with Simon Le Bon. with Simes it's all groupies, yachts and drugs. with people thinking you are Bono there is a natural expectation for you to put your hands on them and heal them. and that's before we even get to soliciting advice on tax efficiency.

to thwart this i have, reluctantly, decided to upload this video. do be warned. once seen and heard, it cannot be unseen nor unheard.

yeah, that should pretty much end any ideas that i am Bono, slightly chubby or otherwise. i really don't sound good on the singing front at all. i sound better when shouting along in the car, though.

that this will now lead to people seeing me and saying "i know you and you cannot sing" is not great, even if it is a Smiths quote. it seems better, however, than having people come up to me and say "i know you, please heal my cancer by placing your hands on me, Bono. and fill this tax form in for me".

if i had Bono's healing powers i would of course use them. and if i had Bono's wealth i would not take his approach to tax efficiency. not at all. i would keep it all in cash. cash is tax free. when exactly did you last hear of a pimp or a drug dealer accepting a cheque, credit card or EFT confirmation.

should you still be reading this, i can only imagine you are incredibly bored and this seems like it makes you less bored. it doesn't, it's a trap.

as a reward, however, yes, here you go, the other new glasses in Commodore 64 mode with the scan lines thing switched on.

i am not sure if i am getting the "selfie" pose right. i am certain i am not doing the "duck face" one is supposed to. i can't really do one anyway, as i have no lemon to suck, and no wish to p!ss on one beforehand.

yes i pretty much am running out of things to say here.

so here's another C64 scan lines image.

and, indeed, another image of that sensational volleyball scene, this one featuring Val sans Ray Bans.

that Val didn't wear Rays in this scene is probably why Simes and Duran let him use their magnificent song Out Of My Mind in his not quite so magnificent film of The Saint. i like the Val, but that film was poor.

if for some reason you have read all of this, thank you very much indeed for doing so. please come back, i promise not to write anything like this again.

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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