Monday, October 21, 2013

in search of love bead surprise love bead toothpaste

hi there

over the last few months i have been involved in a bit of overt but at the same time covert research into the world of 'love bead' toothpaste. actually, i have not. instead i have been looking for 'love bead surprise' toothpaste, which is to say toothpaste that either has love beads in it but under a different name, or something so similar to love beads that it might as well just be love beads, or something even better.

why? because there might be things that happen in my life that mean, by default, that i have access to copious, possibly excessive amounts of love bead toothpaste. whilst this is entirely a statistical fluke as far as i am concerned, certain people i know but will decline to name for the present time (hello, Dad) will think this means a "love bead fest" and shall anticipate huge amounts of the stuff in the post.

if i could find a replacement, indeed a replacement available in New Zealand, then this situation could be avoided. not that i mind sending him the stuff, it just seems silly to wait for toothpaste to travel several thousand miles before you brush your teeth in the chaps at the chemists there can sell him something just as good.

i suspect that this stuff here is the love bead toothpaste my Dad craves, just with a slightly different name.

yes, that says 'Max Fresh' with "breath strips" rather than with "mouthwash love beads". i am prepared to speculate that this is the same thing, just rebranded. not everywhere in the world, you see, is as at ease sexually as the general clients of Tesco are. many places in the world are conservative, no-nonsense sorts who would be offended with the thought of purchasing toothpaste with love beads in it.

i wonder if the above is available in New Zealand, if they are too conservative to stock the love bead branded version. would my Dad be interested in trying it if it did not have "love beads" written on it in bold letters? i am not sure.

i am not sure why New Zealand authorities are so harsh on toothpaste anyway. just sell the stuff, man. it's all very well that they have a government inclined to tax midgets making films and have a wish to ban smoking within the next 7 years, but people need to brush their teeth.

looking at another option and if you are a salt enthusiast you are in for a special treat. if for some reason you find the idea of salt in itself exciting, i wonder how stimulating you would find active salt. very, i suspect, all the more so when it is combined with toothpaste.

the idea of putting salt into toothpaste stikes me as about as sensible as putting love beads in the stuff. the three main uses of salt are putting it on chips, killing slugs and de-icing roads. from my side, and if this makes me a weirdo for confessing such so be it, when brushing my teeth i am usually not eating chips (at least ones i have not put salt on already), i do not recall ever having slugs wandering over my teeth as brush them and if my teeth were iced over i would probably see a tooth mender rather than see if i could fix it all up nice with some toothpaste.

who is it that thought to shove things into toothpaste anyway? it's like that Billy Connolly thing i suppose, you know, his line about who is it that worked out you could get milk off a cow and what is it they thought the cow was doing. do we really have scientists in this world that sit around and say "OK, let's see what sh!t we can shove it toothpaste today"? it's bad enough that most of them waste cigarettes on monkeys when they are not drawing up charts of what is "good AIDS" and what is "bad AIDS".

time, i think, for a nice cup of coffee and a cigarette that they have not given to a monkey so i can settle down a bit, don't you agree.

a lot of people i know get quite excited by the Afrikaans language. well, two, and they don't really get excited about the Afrikaans language. me mate Payney, an exponent of universal love, feels his humour to be tickled by the accent of it, in particular in that film about that guy and the alien things. District something. and Jonathan, of course, likes the idea of the Transvaal.

i mention this as the Afrikaans for toothpaste is, ladies and gentlemen, tandepasta. let's say that again, shall we - tandepasta. what a calm, soothing, refreshing phrase that is. in appearance it sounds like a splendid, perfectly acceptable opulent Italian dish for two, to be made in a Tuscan styled kitchen and to be eaten only in Tuscany styled looking places. or maybe Rome.

in order to avert any misunderstandings like that, the more direct, perhaps even abrupt, Afrikaaner language practicioner will embellish the name somewhat, usually referring to it as "die fokken tandepasta" rather than simply "tandepasta" in itself.

with that knowledge, certain minds are open to further subliminal learning, so long as no one points out that it is subliminal. so let us see if my Dad looks at this picture and sees that breath strips are probably the same thing as love beads.

this of course needs to be reinforced with an image of love bead loaded toothpaste, so one can see how they look more or less the same. that's coming up right now.

the problem one might face here is that New Zealand also prohibits the sale of breath strips in the toothpaste available to citizen and residents. at this stage, for all i know the government of New Zealand, in a scene bit like that one in The Godfather (not the one with the horse head), summoned the heads of the five families responsible for toothpaste and made it clear that they were not to sell toothpaste with anything in it. they might even have made them sign a document to that effect, advising them that either their brains or their signature would be on the paper and that they did not care which.

are the New Zealand authorities quite so draconian and single-minded in respect of toothpaste? maybe. if you went up to someone in Greece and said "why don't you start shoving things in olive oil" they would probably frown a bit. if New Zealand is the home of purified toothpaste, it would be unfair to think they would not be upset.

so New Zealand dental authorities would probably be wise not to look at the next picture.

no, i've never tried love bead toothpaste or breath strips toothpaste. i don't think i ever will, really, but accept that genetically i am likely to as and when i hit the same kind of mid-life crisis that my Dad has. if it's a straight choice, as in "well, it's toothpaste with stuff shoved in it or you are buying red shoes", then bring me my toothbrush is what i shall perhaps say.

here's another look at the breath strips variant. look, people of New Zealand, look how shiny and alluring it is. please allow it for sale in New Zealand and please let it be the same stuff as the love beads for the sake of my Dad.

i have, i believe, written more on toothpaste (tandepasta) than i ever intended to. i shall leave it there, then.

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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