Saturday, April 18, 2015

oh go on then

hello there

yes, yes, i know. there's a new trailer out for Star Wars Episode VII - Mission To Moscow. friends and other people who know me, by association or implication, keep speaking to me of it, tagging me, mentioning it, soliciting an opinion, that sort of thing, look you see.

my broad reaction is that it wasn't all that exciting. it did its job, but essentially it is a trailer for a film that the story of which has been essentially done six times already in the films of the same name, to - granted - varying levels of success. yeah, yeah, the "original characters" are back, which is great for nostalgia but will they retell the story in a decent way?

that said, so you do not accuse me of being too grumpy and negative about it all, here's a look at some interesting bits of the trailer that seem to have been lost. that last shot of Han Solo and that walking carpet thing have stolen most of the headlines it seems, but there was more to the trailer than that.

apologies if the below suggests i have been fanboying it and pouring over every frame. i haven't really; i just noticed these bits.

like, for instance, the opening scene of the trailer.


yes, that's one of them big massive star destroyer cruise ship thingies that the Empire used to cruise about and knack insolent planets with. except this one got twatted and crashed into a desert planet; a desert planet that the makers have let it be known is not Tatooine.  which would make this only the 2nd Star Wars film not to feature the planet.

i was really rather more interested in the smaller ship, also twatted, in the forefront. as you might have missed it staring in awe (justifiably so) at the twatted bigger one.

an X-Wing? if that one smacked in that whole star of death destroyer cruise liner of space thing, that's smart man, and the pilot probably crashed it whilst celebrating something of a spectacular twatting. which begs the question, just who was the pilot?

the obvious guess or answer would be, maybe, Luke. as far as anyone knows, he has been off being a reclusive, hermit Jedi thing since the end of the last Star Wars film; that one with the cannibalistic, sexual deviant teddy bears in it. nice touch if one of the dome like things at the arse of the X-Wing is R2 D2.

speaking of Luke and R2 D2, it is of course assumed that this is the two of them in this bit off of the trailer.

is it? most likely. i think that robotic looking hand is the one that Luke had fitted in one of the films after it turned out he wasn't very good at sword stuff. indeed, for Game Of Thrones fans, he was something of the Lefty Lannister of the 80s, i suppose.

Luke's a nancy boy farmer who tries to do things with his sister that is probably more appropriate for the behaviour of the teddy bear things from the film mentioned above. i have no interest in him, or his patting on the head (or whatever) of his pet robot. where they are is however interesting.

my best guess? Mustafar. for fans of the films, that is of course the volcanic planet where Obi-Wan and Anakin, aka Luke's dad (who wisely abandoned nancy boy Luke at a very early age), had a massive fight in the film Revenge Of The Sith, a film that is nowhere near as bad 40+ year old virgins who live with their Mum make out, no matter how much better their idea was, "if only George had called me".

there's more to it than that, though. in the original novel that George Lucas wrote, and indeed the early versions of the screenplay for the first film, Mustafar was the only planet in the galaxy where all this happens that one could obtain the crystals or batteries or whatever that makes them fancy swords what they all use with the lasers coming out of them.

is it that someone has gone to fetch the crystal batteries to make more of the fancy swords and Luke has gone off to fetch some too? maybe, maybe not.

last one, then - sorry, if you want an in-depth, scene by scene analysis, you will have to look around for the more fanboyish than me blogs, and believe me they exist. look, you see, stormtroopers! on a snow planet! which is not, as per the above, Hoth. which is a shame, as the Hoth sequence was one of the best of the whole series so far, excluding the incestuous moments.

yes, onwards stormtrooper soldiers, marching as to war. very fancy new helmets, sleek body armour and all that, but you are just cannon fodder, let us not forget. the interesting element of this scene has been framed very, very nicely indeed. you have no doubt spotted it yourself, but if not.

yeah, a lone figure, centre stage, clad in a black hooded cloak gown sort of thing. i am assuming, then, that we are looking at the new Emperor, the "big baddie" of the film?

it's 50-50, but if i were to place a speculative 50p bet on the matter, i would suggest that we have a lady Emperor, or if you like Empress, this time around. why? there's something of the stance that suggests that they are child bearing hips, they are. which also, i guess, means it could be the nancy boy farmer.

so who is Emperor or lady Emperor? bonus points if they have had the balls, which they will not have, to make it Leia. she is, after all, imbued in the ways of the Force, or whatever it is them Vulcans all believe in. smart if she said "hang on, i have gone from a revered and comfortable princess to some sort of peasant farm wench girlfriend of a smuggler? f*** that, man" and decided to reinstate the Empire so that she may once again taste luxury.

ace if that's been of interest to you, sorry if you landed on this page and saw a load of stuff you noticed anyway.

will i have a look at the Batman vs Superman trailer? maybe, but it's very depressing. after the awesomeness of the Christopher Nolan take on Batman and the inspired revision of Superman in Man Of Steel (i don't care what anyone says, Kevin Costner was brilliant in it), this combination of the two looks like one very awful sh!t sandwich. and no, i have no problem with the Affleck in the role of Batman; i just do not understand why, looking at the trailer and the poster, they have made him Fatman.

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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