Sunday, May 25, 2014

midgets on stamps

hi there

do bear with me, reader dearest. in the interests of those who actually like all this Lord Of The Rings business i am going to try and not treat the subject with the contempt and disdain i usually would. i know i will fail in this and you know i will fail in this. so just rather look at the pretty pictures.

my (considerably) better half is one of those that really likes it. which is presumably why, along with some sort of card, my Mum & Dad set her the following stamp sets, pictured here in all the magic that my blueberry phone thing can do for you.

yes, that's right, there is one set for each of the three brilliant, excellent, painful, harrowingly long, over-bloated, rambling on and on and on, award winning, awe-inspiring, load of midgets and fairies nonsense masterpieces of cinema that were, and in a real sense are, the films of Lord Of The Rings.

i imagine these are quite prized, sought after collector's items, so it was very kind of Mum & Dad to send them on for her as some sort of gift, along with a card that she has not opened yet, mentioning something about tomorrow. which has me of a mind, now that i think, that i should have probably got her a card and some stamps too. hey ho.

yes, you want to see more. here, have a look at another close up of some of the class of this film.

the films were, for the most part, the single most banal and inane things ever made. the whole thing amounted to nine hours of dwarfs and midgets walking over a field, falling in love, moaning about breakfast and throwing perfectly fine jewellery into a fire. granted, every now and then you had some bigger people in it, whining about walking to Hordor, Mordor or something, and getting themselves involved in some battles that were lifted directly out of Star Wars. just without the lightsabre things.

added to this brilliance is stunning lines like "oh, i lovesy you, Mr Frodos, or Mr Bilbos, i dooos loves yous, i won't leaves you on this hear mounatins, yous, not with that Savile lookalike around trying to grooms you for the bums, Mr Frodos/Bilbos", which makes it all just so incredibly epic.

in nine hours you could walk around the whole of Belgium, look you see, and at the end of it you would be far more entertained. yes, in fairness, yes you probably would have seen just as many homoerotic midgets in Belgium as you would in the films, but at least in Belgium they just get on with it, none of this touching up a bit nonsense.

nine hours is also time you could spend watching all the Steve Guttenberg era Police Academy films, and have change. in fact enough change to watch two, or maybe one and a bit, of them all over again.

yeah, in the background of the pictures of the stamps of them brilliant, much loved and highly praised Lord Of The Rings films that these stamps celebrate is a newspaper cutting my Mum & Dad sent along about that whole thing of Atari games being dumped in a landfill. class, that one is.

i really rather miss these days, you know. not so much the rubbish technology and poor picture of VHS, but just how special it and what it could do was.

back then you had to wait 3 or so years before a film came out on video after the cinema run. now it's more like 3 hours after the first screening and some excited pirate has got it "up" on the "net" for the kids to "down" and "burn". kind of takes the thrill and excitement away from it all.

if you have ever seen one of these pirates, you will have noticed that in most cases the credits are in French. that's because the French really don't care for the Americans, and find it amusing - in French terms - that Americans think they do something artistic like make movies. should the French have their way then all American made films, TV show and music would be illegal within the borders of France. they cannot do that and get away with it, so instead they do the next bext thing and seem not to care at all about the kids turning up at the 9am screening of the latest Bruce Willis, or whoever, film, armed with recording equipment and filming away.

what makes this amusing is, of course, if the Belgians or the Dutch invade France, it will be all "oh, non non non, taunt pis, please, monsieur America, please rescue us". or something like that.

yes, i know, more Lord Of The Rings stamps.

the great tragedy of all this Lord Of The Rings films is, of course, the demise of Peter Jackson as an ace talent. he was boss, him, he made Bad Taste, one of the greatest movies in history. his career slide from that into being a hired hack forced to make trilogy after trilogy of homoerotic midgets is as bad as that James Cameron fella, going from Terminator and Aliens to making rubbish cartoons about blue people in space. what a bloody wasted career that is.

i actually wonder what would have happened if Warner had said "Stanley, whilst you are planning your next project, would you direct one of these Police Academy films for us please?". would have been smart, that, re-imagining something like The Shining or Full Metal Jacket but with recently graduated members of the constabulary instead. actually Full Metal Jacket was a bit of a Police Academy sequel, i suppose. with Pvt Joker in the Guttenberg role. and Animal Mother as Hightower. and the drill instructor as him that made all them noises, i suppose. yeah, and the sniper as the lass with the squeaky voice. nice work, Mr Kubrick.

yeah, go on then, another picture.

right, i am off to read that class Atari article again.

if there's really all that much interest i will try and do proper pictures or scans of these Lord Of The Rings stamps, let me know.

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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