Saturday, September 27, 2014

Healing Sharpy

hello there

this will probably be a blog post of a far more sombre nature than you are used to seeing here, dear reader, assuming that i have more or less remembered what one possible definition of sombre is. if not, well, there you, i had a try at a fancy word and i failed.

we have all, surely, this week found our minds - indeed our hearts - dominated by one story above all other stories. that is, you hardly need me to tell you, all of our thoughts (and emotions) have been drawn and drained by the news of Sharpy hurting himself. a truly troubling incident, certainly, and one no doubt caused by some bellendish act he carried out despite advice to the contrary.

when Sharpy first surfaced from his pain to share his plight with the world, there was an immediate outpouring of sympathy, a certain amount of grief expressed and several wishes in regards of a speedy recovery. for me, though, simply writing "fanny" on his status update thing was not enough. i felt of a mind to be rather more proactive in returning Sharpy to his regular level of health, whatever the hell that level happens to be.

here, with thanks to Sharpy for working through the pain to take the picture, is the Get Well Soon card i sent him. if you have noticed that this is not a standard, or if you like conventional, birthday card, you may take a moment to reflect on just how very astute you are.

this is a card designed to work on a number of postmodernist, possibly even metaphysical levels. it might seem, of course, that i simply grabbed a birthday card, crossed out 'Happy Birthday' and wrote 'Get Well Soon' on it. that's because i did. but with good reason. not only was it cheaper than just going and buying a get well soon card, if there even is such a thing, but it also subconsciously sends him the message that if he doesn't stop being a fanny and get on with it, he will not get to celebrate his birthday, whenever that is.

the final element of the text i added to the card is, as you have no doubt worked out, a gentle, indeed subtle, message to Sharpy to reaffirm for him that yes, the world is now aware of the fact that he is in pain, and thus he need not waste any further recovery time in informing everyone.

if you are wondering if the universal ideas of the front of the card carried on to the inside of it, the answer, if i may be permitted to make such a call, is yes, look you see.

many thanks again to Sharpy for taking a few moments away from informing all of how sore he was to take this picture.

i know i do not usually go around handing out my rather exquisite artwork, but i thought that an image of Sharpy in pain would let Sharpy see how the world sees him at the moment. and, under the circumstances of his distress, i am happy to disclose that yes, indeed, i did use a First Class stamp to send this to him with. it is indeed rare that i value anyone high enough to use First Class stamps, but in the interests of a better world, the sooner that Sharpy had proof that someone had heard of his ails - and thus limiting his need to mention them further - the better.

as for the plaster, well, that's a device which heals and fixes things. i figured if he put it on his back, or wherever it was he had hurt himself, it would probably fix it and i - nor anyone else - would need to hear any further details. as you can see, though, he opted to take a picture of it.

i do, i must confess, feel some guilt about the plaster. it's from South Africa, you see. if only Stumpie had at least four of them, maybe he could have put them on that blonde he apparently shot accidentally four times and she would have been all better. also, we would not have had to listen to a largely embarrassing statement off of a judge.

as for the WH Smith voucher, well, those who know Sharpy know that he lives for the place. i though the voucher might give him motivation to get on with things, you know. like, stop whining.

yes, that is a Michael Bolton CD. i went one further than just wishing Sharpy well on his path to recovery, look you see, and decided to play an active part in his recovery.

Michael Bolton is many things to many people. to some, of course, he is a limited range vocalist with twat hair and a smug face. to the more sexually repressed and frustrated ladies and the gents of the world, he is of course the embodiment of their fantasies, whether it be the case that they have either reached such a depth of desperation or consider themselves to be at the height of taste. i can pretty much take him or leave him, really, except i will say he has always struck me as a chap most angry that he never got to sing that dreadful song they did for that Titanic film.

why would i send Sharpy, or anyone injured, a Michael Bolton CD? well, normally i wouldn't, but then i saw this rather interesting, enlightening, informative and somewhat brief documentary.

it was a documentary that for some reason came on in the middle of a commercial break, quite possibly during Bullseye. might have been Family Fortunes, though, as that's more likely the target market.

anyway, in this documentary, right, this lady explained to a colleague how they use the signing of Michael Bolton to intensify and enhance the growth experience that fruit goes through on trees. yeah, i was pretty sceptical at first, but then i remembered that i had no scientific, agricultural or horticultural knowledge whatsoever, and thus could not really argue. besides, surely, if it is on a documentary on TV, then it must be true.

you can see the documentary right here if you want. for some reason they have called it "Starburst", which is i assume a catch-all way of attracting people who would not normally watch documentaries - basically the Bullseye audience, now i think - so that they can be informed.

so, anyway, if the music of Michael Bolton can make fruit grow, it stands to reason that it must work miracles on the human body. the back of a person - the spine and vertebrae and all that stuff - is really rather simple and basic compared to the complexities of, say, a banana. playing a bit of Michael Bolton at it - let alone an entire CD - must then, it follows, make a spine absolutely amazing.

yeah, that's a picture of me posting the Michael Bolton CD to Sharpy. Second Class. well, after sending the card First Class, i didn't want him getting any ideas by sending another item in that reserved way. also, i didn't have any First Class stamps. 

i am delighted to say that he got the CD today and, as far as i know, am aware or interested, he can now walk again. he hasn't said as much, but he has also issued no more statements about how sore it all is, etc, so presumably i have healed him. 

i feel nothing but professional pride about helping him heal, since you ask. it was my pleasure to be able to assist him in his hour of need. i look forward to helping the next person that has been silly enough to give me their address should they also hurt their back a bit. 

if you want to try any of the medical measures i have mentioned here yourself, i would have to say go right ahead, on the basis that i of course am not liable for their relative success or failure. 


be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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