Sunday, April 20, 2014

love bead toothpaste returns. whether i want it to or not

hi there


once again, dear reader, i find it prudent to muse if not speculate about the exact makeup and agenda of the audience my blog right here has. outside of those who simply know me, i do get baffled when i see a high readership number for certain posts. there's a school of thought that says that google has led them here for some reason or another, but that doesn't quite educate one as to why they stay and have a gander further.

i would imagine it is more with pity than it is awe people look upon these moments, fragments if you like, of my life. wrestles with certain postal systems, naked desperation about getting a Jimmy Hill pencil and frustrations with the timetables of public transport system have, if we are honest, been pretty much it of late. i could understand entirely if one read all of this just for how it in comparison makes their life seem a good deal better than they had thought. if you are reading it and saying "man, that's pretty awesome, what that guy does", well, thanks and that, but i bask in no glory.

the point of this moment of reflection is the return of a sort of prison thing. a prison that one could never hope to gain freedom by release from, and escape seems unlikely. yes, it seems that whether i want it to or not, and i mostly do not, love bead toothpaste is about to become a significant enclosure of my world .


my Dad has been dropping hints for quite some time now that his class collection of love bead loaded toothpaste is "running low". this relates to the rather Roman number of 10 tubes that i posted to him over the course of August and September 2013; something you may wish to read up on.

these pictures you see are, for the most part, the level of emotional blackmail these hints have inevitably descended to. it seems "we" are down to the last packet of the stuff. you would think it's my Dad that is running low, since i have never tried the stuff, but it is of course "we" as i am presuming that i am to stop ignoring the hints and "do something about" the low supply.

not that he forwarded these pictures to me directly. no, of course not. he did not do that just as he has not at any point simply said "son, i am running a bit low on that class toothpaste with the love beads in it; please could you see if you could send some more to me, thank you". nope, instead he gets Gillian to take and send these pictures, along with a sob story about how Dad is beside himself with worry and plight because of the lowering nature of his supply of love bead toothpaste. like it's my fault that he brushes his teeth so often.

actually, he probably didn't get Gillian to send the pics and story. i suspect Gillian has resorted to just taking and sending these images with an accurate and troublesome account of how he is going on about it, presumably in the hope i "do something" to keep him quiet.

this was always a downside to coming home, really. it was inevitable that he would see me being here as little beyond a conduit or smuggling mule to open up a channel to deliver him toothpaste that has, for reasons i have never quite understood, had love beads added to it. the only surprising thing is that i have not had daily, hourly even, mails on the subject.


this is what i am presuming to be the penultimate, if not the final, tube of the stuff. see how he has squeezed with some force the last few drops of love bead loaded toothpaste from it, as if he were George Osborne tackling the neck of the last six remaining taxpayers here.

i really don't know why Colgate, or whoever it is that makes the bloody stuff, refuses to sell it on a general basis south of the recognized Equator. perhaps down south, in places where they will soon experience autumn change to winter, they have much tougher rules and regulations about introducing items that are usually controlled and monitored due to their potential sexual nature into the world of toothpaste. or perhaps market research simply spoke of their being no market for it; "get out of it with your fancy colonial tricks" sort of thing.

my Dad could of course consider contacting Colgate (or whoever) directly, arranging to get it from them, or to petition them to start selling the stuff in his vicinity so that he and everyone else could enjoy and appreciate a life full of as much love bead loaded toothpaste as they care to buy. it is, however, somewhat easier for him to just get on to me about the stuff.

let us take a moment to reflect on this rather relevant moment out of Hawk The Slayer, in which some chaps are about to perform some class ceremony or ritual involving arrows and fire. and robes, man.



yes, they in the picture above, are taking the best course of action that they think will get the result they want. them setting some arrows on fire and twatting them at something or someone is to them what my Dad hinting about the toothpaste thing is to him. except, so far as i am aware, without Jack Palance being involved at any particular stage of it. or, for that matter, anyone out of a Carry On film.

economically speaking, of course, it does make a good deal more sense for my Dad drop hints to me about how i could buy some toothpaste and post it to him than it does for him to simply nip down to a shop and get some for himself. there's also the potential legal angle to it all too, though.


if there are all sorts of strict controls and measures in place about introducing love beads to the world of toothpaste down in the south of the world, then they will surely have one of them smart, effective 'Operation Yewtree' like band of merry coppers on the case, watching out for any transgressions or violations. you would think that the constabulary might have more important matters to deal with, but if it is the law of the land that the two should not mix without permits, then they are to enforce it.

it gives my Dad, then, a level of quite plausible deniability if he can just turn around and say "i have no idea why my sone decided for some reason to send illicit and possibly contraband toothpaste to me. here is his address; it is his collar you wish to feel".

from a financial and legal perspective, then, one can appreciate how it is highly beneficial to my Dad if he just gets me to purchase and post the stuff to him than it is for him to trouble a manufacturer or shop proprietor directly. no doubt it cuts down a great deal on how often he hears variations of "fair dinkum" and "strewth" too, really.

i am unconvinced that my finances at this stage allow for me to go and purchase a large amount of this stuff - which seems perfectly legal here - and meet the tremendous costs of posting it, but i will see if i can sort a limited gesture out at some point soon. the trick is, though, that a nice gesture of it will be taken as a sign that i propose to post it on a regular, frequent basis. refer, if you will, to the prison points earlier.

i think he should start one of those "kickstarter" or "crowd funding" things, to be honest. if some lass can, after all, persuade a whole bunch of strangers to fund her boob job, then there is every chance that a similar number of people could be tempted to contribute and set my Dad up with as much love bead loaded toothpase as he can handle, and then some.

let it not be said, however, or let me not leave you with the impression that the plight of supplies of toothpaste is the only matter Gillian forwards me items on. in the interests of balance - and for a clearer understanding of "balance" you should read this thing i did on shampoo -here is a lovely card that she sent me very recently and, indeed, with good reason.



we know, ladies and gentlemen, what happens next. whether i feel i can afford it, whether i wish to commit to it or not, we know that i am going to feel obliged to purchase this toothpaste and post it to him.

it's not so much the case that i think this is quite enough on the subject of love bead loaded toothpaste, more that i am somewhat amazed that i have written so much. let me leave it, then, for the inevitable sad and tragic day when i have some of it, wrap it in cling film and post it.

yes, i do have some pictures of Easter Eggs and all that, but they are on the other, proper camera of mine. i will sort them out eventually.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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