Monday, March 09, 2015

schlieffen cow

hello there

well, yes. i made it through the test, or if you like trial, of the dentist. i do indeed write this from a position in which i have less teeth than i did the last time i composed something, and it would also be true to say that i write from the perspective of partial heavy sedation. so please do indulge me and kindly forgive any poor or awful grammar and English language use, look you see. well, worse than usual.

before i went along to the tooth mender, i contributed one half of a day towards verk matters, so that i may still be seen in some circles as a contributor to society. this, as it turned out was a near-fatal decision for me, for our so-called "friends" the cows are up to things again. not only are they mobilizing for an invasion, but they are also digging in for a standing the ground sort of thing land war.

as you can see in the above, other than the fact that you can make out the cows - cows that are now masters of herding, as per the earlier revelations - they have mastered camouflage and subterfuge to the extent that they are in effect invisible to anyone not looking. yes, i agree - this is a troubling development.
i opted to be brave and covertly took this photo of them, using my special zoom powers that are all but exclusive to blueberry phone camera things in respect of capturing an image of this quality. i assume you can make them out, with them being the cows, in this image.

the title of this blog post does now, to historians and other people with an interest in the past, make a great deal of sense, i suspect. for yes, your eyes are not tricking you here, what you are seeing is what is happening. the cows intellectual capacity appears to have escalated somewhat, and they are bravely attempting to make the Schlieffen plan work. as humans failed miserably in their efforts to do this, well, it is hard to see this as being anything other than a bold move, with the cows basically stating that they are superior to humans or, if you like, people.

the significance and the consequence of this are something that you no doubt wish to allow to sink in some, perhaps whilst you enjoy a nice, refreshing and inspiring cigarette. so here is a picture of some packets of cigarettes so that you may be inspired.

the Marlboro Red are via Spiros, with thanks. he went to Madagascar or Bolivia or somewhere in that area and got me some duty free. the Player's were the only think in the shop at the time and they are awful. the Winston represent my present brand of choice when Spiros hasn't been to Nagasaki or wherever. the Marlboro Gold Touch - confusingly in a silver packet - are growing on me and rather splendid.

if you are wondering if the inevitable video of cows doing all this evolutionary, revolutionary liberation stuff is going to feature somewhere here, the answer is yes it is, and here it is.


although obviously the cows in this video are doing a lot less than what they have been doing in other videos i have carefully shot - lensed, if you like - and brought to you here. this is partially because they have clocked that i film them, for some reason always on a Monday, but mostly because they are busy digging trenches, in accordance with the finer aspects of the Schlieffen plan; a plan which is likely to work at some point.

ouch. the anaesthetic i was administered by the tooth mender dude and his assistant would seem to have worn off. the mild pain killer i was permitted to take - very mild and low, for i am not some sort of nancy boy London sort - is partially working in a very mild sense. 

but you are not interested in any pain i must endure as i write this. sure, if it was any of the percentage of my family you all actually liked you would be concerned, but if it's just me then i should just get on with it and shut up about it.

it is all very well, you may state or simply think, me making claims on valid, substantial but possibly circumstantial evidence about cows getting up to some sort of revolutionary strike, but you may well wonder or ask when will they actually strike. well, dear reader, be ready for a shock if this is your current thinking. i believe that they struck the first visible blow in the liberation war today, and further i was one of the intended victims of this blow. and no, it is not just me imagining or assuming that the cows - in particular the leader, Sentinel or Lone Wolf - thought some nasty thoughts about me. they actually did something tangible, and i have evidence to back it up.

behold, if you will, the UN map of the incident that i was involved in earlier today, at about 7:40am.

yes, that's right - the UN. look, you can see their logo and name on the map, so it must be legit.

i think the map pretty much tells the whole story for you, but for the sake of a documented record of what happened, i shall give you an account here.

i, in the full presence of the cows, boarded a bus at the usual time that i would. i suspected something was wrong, however, owing to the number of people on it. my suspicions were that the bus i was getting on was actually the one before mine, running very late. this was more or less confirmed by the driver driving it like an absolute f*****g maniac, or 'like a boss' if you are one who approves of fast and reckless driving.

all was going very well, except for when we got as close as our route goes to the infamous, dangerous 89th Parallell (or however you spell parallel), that hotly contested border boundary sort of thing which separates the factions of Coulby and Marton.

yeah, i would totally agree, a look at the backs of the packets of cigarettes here would give you a bit of a break from the chilling story i am telling. so here you go.

we, as in myself and my fellow passengers, were left with no choice at all to disembark from the bus and trek through the demilitarized zone to board another bus. both the demilitarized zone and the route of the great trek are highlighted for you in the above map. no, not the cigarette picture, the one above that; the one that looks like a map.

some might say that Some Might Say is the greatest of Oasis songs, and that it is proof that Noel Gallagher can write a decent, mostly original song when he can be bothered. rather more relevant to this post, however, and some might say that all i experienced today was a combination of reckless driving burning out a clutch and overheating an engine on top of Arriva's legendary lack of interest in spending any money at all on maintaining buses that run near councils which do not give them enough coins of money to please them.

i say there is no evidence at all which eliminates the possibility that the cows sabotaged the bus whilst it stopped to allow me to board it. maybe, for all we know, cows are lightning fast, like that comic character that runs fast and has the lightning thing on his shirt. 

the life of cows is not, after all, all just hanging around digging trenches in the hope that they will succeed where other nations failed in conflict. look, here you can see Lone Wolf, or Sentinel, or whatever the name of the cow is, getting up.

it is entirely possible that the only reason i am alive, and was able to go along to the tooth mender this afternoon, was because that the cows neglected to synchronize watches - or whatever equivalent cows use to measure time - and the crack squadron of assassin cows were not primed and ready at the border or the 89th parrallell or however you spell parallel.

yes, the pain in my gums - the "sockets" where my teeth once were - is increasing in its tenacity and its passion. i am, however, sat here considering just how lucky i am to be feeling such pain, as death could have visited me earlier today.

it is my most earnest and truthful hope that as you read this, dear reader, you are not in as much discomfort or pain as i am with all things teeth related, and that cows have not singled you out for some bizarre form of retribution.

more as and when i can under the circumstances.

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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