well, i have to wait for about an hour or so before i can take some more of them lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely pain pills, look you see. yes, the tooth mender thing has turned out not to be quite such a breeze now that the anaesthetic has worn off. also, look you see, i suspect i might have a bit of post traumatic stress disorder after that thing with the cows.
so, then, the perfect time to have a look at the Apple watch, surprisingly not called something completely twatesque like the iWatch.
no, i have not handled one. so i speak from no personal experience or any sort of position of expertise. instead, what i am doing is having a look at their adverts and promotion, which i have seen, and commenting on that, thank you.
in order off of their site, then, let's have a look at this revolutionary idea they have had to make a "smart watch" a mere year or three after other companies did it and reported less than impressive sales.
first off, just what is a watch?
yes, that's right. Apple jump straight in with the presumption that if you are stupid enough to buy a watch that has, at best, an 18 hour battery lifespan, you need to be told what a watch is.
it's a personal watch, because it was designed to be worn. yeah, they know that some of their more enthusiastic, or if you like rabid, product purchasers have loved their other Apple devices so much they have been intimate with them, but this is the first one that is intended to become an extension of your body.
the clarity on personal is indeed important. if they didn't state it was personal, after all, many people might buy one and hang it off of a lamp post like John C Riley did when he played a copper in Gangs Of New York. it is important to make sure you know that this is not a public watch. we will have to wait, presumably, for the Apple Clock to be launched.
OK, so a watch is something you wear, yeah? but what does it do?
it tells you, for the 18 hours that the battery allows you to look at it, what the time is. but not just the time. oh no, as you can see in the above stylish advert, it tells you the time in an incredibly precise way. that's incredibly precise. not sort of precise, or kind of precise or half-arsed precise. no - incredibly.
i am sure there are watchmakers around the world - particularly in Switzerland but let's not pick on them - kicking themselves for not thinking of making a watch that would tell the time in a precise way. damn, missed a trick there.
i am very much looking forward to the first report, as i am sure you are, of an Apple watch wearer being punched in the face shortly after they told a Rolex wearer, or even maybe a Swatch or Casio one, that their time was wrong because they didn't have the latest iOS on their watch and that Apple said that this is the incredibly precise time.
OK, so it tells the time. but what else can it do? why, since you ask, it gives you an entirely new way to stay in touch.
why, hot diggety dog! Apple have worked out a way to actually let you send a message from a device to someone else with a device. you can send a picture or a message to someone with this watch.
i wonder if this will catch on, this business of sending people a picture or message via electronic devices? who knows, maybe one day they will make it so you have a device that lets you talk to someone else with a device, or send them pictures - video, even - or just send a text message.
not quite revolutionary for you? so what else does it do? why it tells you to move.
have we reached this point? really? i know there's a stereotypical view of people - in particular Americans - that they are all morons, but please say this is not so. people are now going to exercise - or just move around a little bit - because a watch from Apple tells them that Apple thinks they should do it?
i don't know, but i am going to assume that the watch does not let you see the time, or send a message, until you comply with what it tells you that you must do. so in order to use your device you will need to do a little dance that does not displease Apple.
OK, sold. but what if i am not an Apple product sort of person?
relax, don't sweat it. even if you are the sort of person who prefers a proper phone over an iPhone, or a proper computer over an iPad, they have decided to make the world of Apple Watch open to everyone. look, it says so on their website*
yes, there was a little sort of a * thing there, it was not a typo. why on earth would there be a sort of a * thing there? that means, usually, there is a disclaimer. that's because there is.
there is an Apple watch for everyone, so long as we all can agree that according to Apple everyone falls into one of not two, not four, but three categories.
gone are the days in which we had to endure being classified by race, religion, sexual preference, politics, haircut or sense of style. world peace has been achieved so long as you stick to your Apple definition of everyone. you are either a watch person, a watch sport person, or a watch edition person. decide, now, which one you are, and buy the product in accordance with this.
all this, and you don't even get a U2 album free with it. you do, however, get the chance to pay Apple to stream the next series of Game Of Thrones in celebration of this launch. yeah, that would be the Game Of Thrones that is the most illegally downloaded TV show in history. shrewd marketing move.
will i be purchasing an Apple Watch? maybe. i mean, it's a big decision, deciding what sort of person i am to meet the criteria of Apple's view of everyone. i am pretty sure i am not the sport one.
oh, i know. this will sell out on the day of release, due to a in-no-way-at-all stage managed shortage of watches. there will be fights outside Apple stores as people throw themselves at the chance of throwing money at Apple. and i would not change that for the world, good luck to all parties.
i just wish Apple would go back to making proper iPods, then i would not care at all about whatever other rubbish they put on the shelves.
i am off to take some pills, and have my best guess at what the time is presently.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!