these bits in italics, look you see, are just me. Spiros has very kindly done a sort of a "guest post" for me to put up here. the bits not in italics are all him, except some very minor language censoring that i did.
it would seem that Spiros has been watching an awful lot of prison movies of late, so you are very welcome to consider this a warning about what sort of thing you will be reading. i have done my best to beautify his text with some appropriate images of bunnies off of one of them "free to use images" sites sort of things.
over to Spiros, then, except of course to say,
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My best mate Lee suggested I write a write-up of my favourite prison films and what moved me the most.
Some of you might be incorrectly assuming that I supply Lee with cigarettes outside of the ‘big house’ because I have a deep seated need to be a ‘b!tch’. Not so. He makes me laugh. I might as well keep that up while he reforms off of the tobacco. We’re speaking of reform anyway.
I tried to restrict this review to obvious comedies. The discipline scene in American History X (where one Nazi taught another another a lesson) was cheated out of every major award is obviously disqualified for a mostly lack of focus on the topic at hand.
Deliverance, another chuckle-along, can’t pass as it isn’t set in a prison.
Why am I qualified to pass judgement? I’ve never been incarcerated. At least not yet. I like to call myself a ‘lawyer’ so I suppose it will happen at some point.
My second karate instructor was a prison guard at the former Pretoria Central. That’s where Oscar is now. Sensei filled me in on fascinating stories of how cells were overcrowded by up to 200%, had a section called ‘die blomtein’ (flower garden) - where new inmates were kept for inspection by members of one of the ‘numbers gangs’ - who specialised in rape. You can Google them. If you can stand the youtube videos. Well done.
My instructor wasn’t one unused to beating up inmates. He claims they used to give prison-rapists a good kicking but eventually gave up. The shoe leather just wasn’t worth it. The last guy who got a hiding was caught in action with another guy in the showers with a centrefold taped across the back of his victim’s head with toothpaste. Justice delayed is justice denied. There was no delaying in this instance.
Who paid for Friday after-work drinks was settled by who could punch their chosen inmate the furthest across a concrete patch. Do we need to elaborate on the race of the guards and inmates? Thought not.
Lee, as an interesting afterthought, and I had a mate (one of mine too, years back), who told a story of friends of his, who went behind bars involuntarily at the court’s pleasure, and made the mistake of accepting a gift of cigarette from a new friend dressed in in orange. The recipients quickly became ‘the sodomites’ when described inside and outside of captivity.
Here we go:
6. The Animal Factory - if you saw Mr Blue in Reservoir Dogs, prepare for something else.
5. Get Hard: Okay - as a warning of what might be waiting for white bread in the penitentiary. The plot is much a rip-off of Trading Places, Big Stan, Let’s go to Prison, etc. The best line, or something close to it is, “they be a f****n’ in San Quentin”.
4. An@l Offenders - I reluctantly lent my VHS tape to my brother Cameron who never returned it. I remember many cool scenes of much cool action. That black chick with the ginger freckles in particular. I know those ladies have probably haemorrhaged by now. I would still like to meet any of them. I would be very upset if this is one of the movies his mate Stevie inadvertently taped over. Cool theme tune too! That made this film a slightly better afternoon’s entertainment than P!ss!ng Movie II.
3. The Concrete Jungle - Lesbians behind bars? In 1972? And horny? Sign me up! This was not a p0rno in case you were wondering. These chicks loved rug before before my dad!
2. Big Stan - where to begin… prison raping to keep up with the neighbours? Hanging a door mat off of your ass saying, “you’re welcome?” Very funny, but not something I hope to live through. Very cool cameo from that guy who looks dead from Kill Bill. Since he is dead right now, I guess he doesn’t mind.
1. Let’s go to Prison - ‘wooing’, toilet wine and Eskimo kisses. I’m surprised more people aren’t breaking the law.