Saturday, August 22, 2015

pipe dream

hello there

alas, no, sorry. if you have hit this post hoping to see, not unreasonably on the basis of the title look you see, some stuff about that epic excellent game Pipe Dream, you are mostly in for a disappointment. although i did connect some pipes today - successfully so - it was not on a game, and i didn't particularly score any points for the classy network i built.

what you do you need to build a classy pipe network? the obvious, and not incorrect answer, is pipes, but it would seem that if you, as the advert goes or at least used to, "b and q it", rather more essential is a rudimentary hacksaw.

b and q, or if you like your capitals B & Q, only sell lengths of what you and i would call plastic pipes in lengths of 2 metres or 3 metres. fat lot of good that is if you only need just under 1 metre, or if you like 95cm, for the pipe that we shall still call plastic to fit where it needs to.

i asked if one of the many, many fine staff at b and q could kindly assist me in cutting the pipe in half. it was at this stage that i was informed that, as it was in fact a pvc pipe, not they could not cut it on behalf of clients. hence me buying the hacksaw.

there is probably some sort of "health and safety" reason as to why they cannot do this. equally, it could be that they were just being all fanny and nancy boy, and were too scared to cut what they considered to be called pvc tube on their fancy equipment.

yeah, that's all the new pipes and junction fittings all in place, thanks. i did it no problem, on the second go at doing it. i thought i would show you the above now, lest you be in some sort of rush and be keen to see the conclusion of my efforts before departing this blog for some other, presumably more interesting corner of the internet.
it only took me two trips to b & q to get all of the bits i required to get the job done correct, or if you like proper. yes, i know, two trips to a hardware mender and problems solved is surely some sort of record for me.

and it's not like the second trip was entirely my fault, but i will take the fall for it. it did, however, allow me to learn a most valuable lesson about the way b & q do things, and one that i may well discuss with their international brand ambassador, g-man, who i happen to have a good and constructive working relationship with.

what did i learn at b & q? that if a length of pipe has 32mm printed on a sticker on it, and is in a pile or rack of pipes marked with a label saying "32mm", then there is every chance that, after a few moments of being flummoxed and baffled as to why it will not fit into a 32mm connector, if you peel the sticker off you will discover "36mm" printed in orange on the pipe. nice one, cheers for that. i am assuming one of the more senior "stand around here and look at the taps" staff members noticed that they were low on 32mm, instructed a junior "stand around here and look at the smart drills" staff member to get some more and he or she simply decided that shoving some 32mm stickers on the pipes that were there would suffice.

and yes, by international brand ambassador, i do mean that he has a rather sweeping level of diplomatic immunity. if he saw you, and was displeased with what he saw, he could, in the eternal words of Simon Phoenix out of Demolition Man, "set your ass on fire" and there's not a thing that the constabulary could do about it, except maybe fetch you some water. so watch out.

a quick break from my adventures with pipes and a saw? surely. how about a video of me, in my reni hat, walking along in the rain, smoking of course, to fetch the boys some pizza for tea? doable.

taking video and pictures is all that my phone is able to do right now, as is, i suspect, the case for most in the village. we have two different mobile networks on the go, and both are down. we have an immense storm on the go - far, far stronger that what you can see on the video above - and it seems to have totally knacked mobile, or if you like cellular, means of correspondence.

anyway, pipes. what pipes was i replacing or adding, and to what end? it was the pipes that allow the water from the bath, or indeed shower, to run freely down the drain, rather than all over our expansive courtyard. the boys were playing football, you see, and the pipe that was there presumably won a hotly contested tackle, yet faired very badly after the fact. think Gazza's ankle after that particular tackle that took him our for a year in the FA Cup final of 1991 and you have the general idea.

another gander at the pipes, which as of my second trip to b& q were in fact 32mm as i checked, double checked and thrice checked, in place and working? why not.

all in all, something like 10 - 15 minutes of actual work to cut the pipe and connect it; some 80 minutes in round trips along the majesty of cargo fleet lane to visit b & q a couple of times. not necessarily an all that bad way to spend a saturday afternoon, but not exactly the most relaxing. but still, i got to listen to some Led Zeppelin in the car as i went about my travels, so there you go.

plus, i have a semi-shiny new hacksaw into the bargain. £4.80 it cost me, which was the cheapest i could find. although on the second trip i noted that, hidden away on a different rack, they had some mini, junior hacksaws that would have done the job for south of £2. nice of them to hide them; let me get hold of their international brand ambassador.

a close up of the product description of the hacksaw to finish off this blog post? sure, why not, happy reading, dear reader, for there's a lot of detail for a rudimentary cutting appliance.

yeah, that might not be all that easy to read in Commodore 64 mode, but it's a lot clearer than it could be as i left the dithering mode firmly off. 

overall, i would say i am satisfied with my efforts. the water flows freely into the drain, so the job that needed to be done is, as it were, done.  also, as a bonus, i have two lengths of 36mm pipe going spare, one measuring 93cm and the other measuring, i presume, 107cm. perhaps i will make a smart didgeridoo out of one of them, or some other sort of classy traditional Australian instrumentation.

it is my most earnest hope that wherever you are whenever you read this, you don't have the massive storm that we are presently experiencing on the go. if you do, well, you don't need me to suggest you keep dry, but i do hope that you are. 

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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