Sunday, February 09, 2014

Apple's iTwat gloryhole

hi there

wow, Apple product purchase requires further purchases horror shock. or not. yes, this blog post is another adventure into the unpleasant world of iTwat ownership by someone not prepared to bend over and take it "because it is an Apple product", instead one who just wishes to buy a product and use it.

i understand i am in the minority by not being part of the "but Apple say so it must be right and proper" brigade, so i am giving you your excuse and reason to leave now if you don't wish to hear of whines and groans. bye, see you next post.

for those who have stayed, nice one. and here we go then. i do not recall if i mentioned this before or not, but as my usual docking station thingie presently faces trials by the treacherous sea (refer previous posts) i had the need to get another one for now. a very smart, snazzy one that has surprisingly excellent sound. obs, if you will, erve.

yes indeed, that one pops the iTwat into a spinning wheel of justice sort of thing was the main selling point. that and the clock display light was a tranquil, exceptionally dimmable, blue. as in not a monstrous, haunting red sort of thing.

sadly, the docking station is far from perfect. after a couple of days it decided that it did not particularly care to play the iTwat when one slotted the iTwat in to it. the precocious thing now wishes for me to wedge the remote control for it behind the iTwat before it will let me play quality vibes on an evening. not idea.

i had three options to address this then.

1. purchase another docking station (cost around ₤30)
2. keep twatting it with remote until it breaks  (cost around ₤30 eventually)
3. purchase "iShell iCase" to make back thicker to see if that helps (cost around ₤5)

needless to say, option 3 seemed the most practical at this point, thus.

actually, i very nearly purchased as shiny silver one that Tesco had in a clearance bin for ₤2. when the nice lady at the till rang it up, though, it came up as 1p. so the nice lady panicked and called her manager. her manager was a not quite as nice lady that threw a complete and utter frothy, grabbed it and charged off, bellowing something about how they are "not selling them". which is weird, as i would have happily paid either the price marked or the even lower price but was not given any such option. 

a nice chap, possibly from Pakistan or India, had no hesitation in selling me the class black number you see. he was a cash business you see. cash, as well as being tax free, allows a degree of flexibility in transactions. there was certainly no need at all, for instance, for him to call a quite upset and angry lady when i discussed the price with him. 

a selling point for the chap, as you can see in the above picture and will have your attention drawn to later on, is that the pouch has a little hole in a sort of central position in it. what, pray tell, is that hole for? why, as the chap told me, it is so one can still see the infamous, legendary and in some circles profusely masturbated over Apple logo. cheers for that. 

we shall, for those in the know then, refer to this as the "Apple gloryhole". for those of you not in the know, well, you can google the term "gloryhole" if you like, but for goodness sake do not do it on a work or public PC. Dad, please do not google the term, we don't need you getting any more ideas like you did when someone mentioned that dogging business to you. 

in respect of a hole that i actually want on this casing shell thingie, i am delighted to report that there is one for the camera bit, and it seems to work to my satisfaction. want some Commodore 64 evidence of this? of course you do, here you go. 

yes, i agree. that is an amazing, excellent t-shirt that i have on, worth every single penny of the (if i remember right) ₤12 invested in it. no, it is not t-shirt weather here, far from it to be truthful, but i put a nice jumper that was made in Bangladesh over it. actually, the chap who sold me the iCase iShell thing might well have been from Bangladesh and not India or Pakistan, now that i think on.

as excellent and as impressive as the t-shirt looks in Commodore 64 mode i would suspect that one or two of you would like a clear-cut, non-scan lines look at the shirt. let it not be said that i am not prepared to indulge the wishes of those one or two, and here you go. actually in this next picture it looks arguably even better as i do not  have it on. 

yes, that's right, it is a shirt celebrating a rather important goal against "big club" Chelsea from an occasion when we handed them their arses. something that we do or at least did on a regular basis, when they were either a "big club" or "not quite as big a club as they say". Chelsea are, of course, a big club. you know this because their lifelong fans, some of them celebrating close to a decade of that lifelong commitment, always mention that they are a big club when they speak of Chelsea. when fans of teams that you might think of being big clubs, like Man Utd, Liverpool, Arsenal, Everton, Spurs, Newcastle, Leeds, Man City and so on, speak, they never insist on pointing out that they are a big club in every sentence like Chelsea fans do. so i guess they are not, under Chelsea methodology, big clubs. none of those clubs - although one or two have come quite close - have ever hired and made captain a player with the finesse, class and ambassadorial qualities of John Terry. 

i suppose what makes Chelsea a truly big club is the way the fans have always kept a respectful distance from the team when success and money were low. the lifelong fans knew that the team were embarrassed about no success, so usually only 6000 or so turned up at games, so as not to rub it in. as for away games, i believe nearly one entire hundred of their fans pitched up at Ayresome for the game celebrated on the shirt. a nice touch that, them deciding not to clog up motorways. 

back, then, to the Apple gloryhole (seriously Dad, don't google it. you will stop going to bathrooms). further, a practical demonstration for you. yes, indeed i have done one of them video things and uploaded it here. 

the idea of the gloryhole, presumably, is to let "the people" know that i am indeed using an Apple product. here's a video of how that, in my imagination, goes in public, then. 

yes, that's about right. the truth is that i do not, as a general rule, go out and about in public with my iTwat device. the Apple gloryhole, then, is superfluous to the kind of level usually only associated with, well, with urgent and essential Apple "iOS" updates that fix Korean subtitles on them sex film things they like there. 

my iTwat seldom leaves the docking station which houses it, for that is the only place i use it. the boys, indeed my (considerably) better half, every now and then take it to play one of them games with it (except Flappy Bird, obviously), but not beyond the boundaries of our home. 

does the iCase or iShell, or rather the iUnofficial iPirate iShell, do the job that i wished for it to do in regards of the docking station and removing the need to wedge / twat the remote behind it to make it work?

let us look at some fire first. people like looking at fire. it makes dull things more interesting. that thing where they drive round and round in a circle really fast would not attract half as many viewers as it does if there were not the promise of a random fire here and there as they do it. 

yes it does, it seems. i slotted it in last night and was able to hear the wisdom in the words of George Carlin without the remote anywhere near the docking station. sadly i did not have a restful night's sleep at all. i cannot work out why not, but i do not believe it was related to the magnetics of wherever the hell the remote has ended up. 

so, happy days in that the iTwat is working more or less, within reason, as i wish it to, not so much happy days that yet again i have had to shell out further iMoney just to make the Apple product do what i paid for it to do. how so many people blindly believe that Apple and their products are cool and superior to everything else on Earth (and beyond) still bewilders me. 

but then again the Apple thingie does let me take class Commodore 64 mode pictures. 

Android ones probably do too, mind. but as far as i am aware there is no Android variant of the iPod, and all Android phone thingies are touch screen so i do not have one of them.

if for some reason any of this has been of any practical use to any of you, nice one. in particular if it is in regards of drawing attention of how class you could look if you owned a t-shirt like the one shown off here!

many thanks, as ever, for reading. more technology and consumer tips in the not too distant future!

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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