Thursday, August 22, 2013

car review

hi there

instead of any messy, clumsy and perhaps unrequired apologies for the lack of updates for most of this month i figured i would just do a car review for you. why? mostly because i took some pictures of a car i recently drove, but there's also the possibility, no matter how remote, that you might like to hear of my insights into the important bits of a car.

here, then, are my considered thoughts and general opinion on the black version of the Ford car.



yes, i know what you are thinking - that the Ford Black is merely a child's toy, looking at the size of it. it is a little thing indeed, but surprisingly perhaps i was able to sit in it with reasonable comfort. as in, i didn't have to push the chair all the way back to operate the pedal things properly. i did anyway of course, but i didn't have to. it's a bit spacious, then, i suppose.

the Ford Black also handles 1 (one) suitcase in the area where a boot is supposed to be, too, with any luggage you might have fitting with some ease on the back seat, so long as you do not have too many (i.e. any) passengers sat there.

apparently it is not simply called "the black Ford" either, by the way. it seems, going on the stylish badge thing on the back, that it goes by the somewhat interesting name of the Fiesta.



Fiesta strikes me as a most unusual name for a car, really. i am led to believe that there's a magazine of some reputation called Fiesta, a periodical for the gentry that does not really busy itself with cars as such, if at all. it is quite possible that some of the many pictorial articles it features have cars in them, but i cannot recall seeing any. well, i can't remember anyone telling me that it had or does, anyway, with me obviously not reading such publications.

as i seem to have taken a picture of it, here are them back seats i mentioned, the ones which appear to be there as some sort of replacement or substitute for a conventional boot.



you're probably wondering about the specifics and performance things of the car. this is something i can certainly give, if only for the more technical minded of you.

a major design flaw is the presence of one of them wiper things on the back. for a start, you really don't need a back window in a car at all - what do you care for where you have been, after all, or just what is behind you? if it was that interesting you would still be there. for some obscure reason a few people like checking the mirror to see what's happening out the back, especially when doing that reversing thing that makes no sense - if you want to go backwards, why not just turn around?

the biggest issue with the wiper on the back is that when you put it on entirely by accident you're not really sure how to switch it off. this, i know for a fact, can lead to you driving your cousin Christopher around for most of a day with the wretched wiper going on as you do, with it only being switched off when your cousin Andrew shows you the special, secret hidden button for it, connected to the steering wheel. Andrew will then ask if you really do know nothing at all about cars, and didn't you check this sort of stuff out when you picked it up.

mentioning Andrew brings up the subject of performance, or if you will, speed. on that front, it sort of does OK as it is, but a simple £3.00 modification nearly doubles the maximum possible speed of the Men Only, or Asian Babes or whatever the car is called.



yes, Tesco, that fine store where the kids appear to hang by the clearance shelves on an evening, supplied this fine looking CD to me for the amount you can see obscuring the head of that one that no one could ever remember the name of until he died in an ace-sounding fireball of cocaine and prostitutes just before a gig. John something.

this simple modification to the car not only helped double the acceleration of the car, but it also fixed the massive problem with the radio, which seemed to keep playing thing that i did not know but quickly clocked that i did not like. i am struggling to understand why they did not just weld a Who disc in to the car when they made it, but no problem.

yes, indeed, let's have a look at the tracklisting to understand the extra power off of it.



if you can make that out, you will observe that at least two of the tracks from the Ready Steady Who ep, one that i champion for a proper, complete CD release, feature. also on are the reasonably rare studio version of Naked Eye, and the bookends from Who's Next in the form of Baba O'Riley and Won't Get Fooled Again. those last two do wonders for the acceleration or speed or whatever it is, allowing the Readers' Wives Ford to attain speeds that lead to statements such as "i am terribly sorry, officer, i am no longer of this land and have never driven here before. these speed limits that you speak of sound tremendous and i shall abide by their numerical value from this moment forward, as soon as i have worked out what these miles things are".

it is crucial that you use the speed enhancement that i show above, however, as other speed enhancers just do not work. Andrew plugged in his iTwat thing and played some horrid music, mostly featuring some black chap being not at all nice about another black chap but yet quite excited about something called "bitches". with that on, speed dropped considerably, to the point that Andrew was making observations such as "i said overtake the truck, not do some sort of sneaky crawl past it".

another big problem with the car is the presence of two pointless, distracting and just plain stupid window things, as you can see in the next two pictures.



as per the discussion of the rear window, wing mirrors are a total waste at the best of times. why would you ever need to see what's behind you? if you need to be in a different lane, just what is it you care about anyone who might be there? you need to be where you need to be, and they can see you, so they should just slow down and stop.

if the mirrors are not up to much, then that tells you what use these little windows are. why is it, i ask, would you ever need to look out of that part of the car? you are likely to cause an accident, leaning over to look through them. when you do have a look, there's little, if anything, that you can't see through the door windows anyway.

someone mentioned that these windows are there to break and unlock the car with if you've either locked your keys in the car or you are trying to steal it. in either case, surely the kids have some sort of "app" on their iTwats that can unlock it without testing the patience of glass with a brick?



otherwise, i do not think this car was designed for anything other than being a bit of a toy, going on the somewhat lacking ways of the petrol tank. my understanding was that petrol was very expensive in England. it makes little sense, then, that for £20.00 i was able to fill it when that needle thing on the thingie at the front reflected i had used a third of a tank. that translates as £60.00 for a full tank, which is not a great deal in the face of the price of the stuff. 

it would probably be even cheaper to fill it with this shale gas business, but as the dedicated protestors get Mummy & Daddy to drop them off in their Land Rovers at the nearest frack demonstration, or indeed just claim back travel expsenses from Parliament, i suppose it will be a while before we get cheaper petrol. 

despite all the flaws, this is indeed a smart set of wheels. i rather enjoyed driving it about and would not hesitate in saying to anyone thinking of getting one that yeah, they should go for it. 

another picture of it? sure. 



i must say that the single most surprising element of the car was that it wasn't quite as blue or as Opel as the thing on the internet said that it would be. a rather happy surprising element, then.

so remember - if you invest in this, you will also need to invest - to a modest financial amount - in the right sort of accessory to make it go faster. you also have to avoid attaching an iTwat with less than pleasant music on it, as that just drains the accelerator stuff.

i hope this has helped with any sort of car purchase or rental you are considering!



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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