recently i have been attempting to coax, if not overtly bait, a kookaburra or two into our garden. this is not quite as preposterous as an idea as you might think. yes, the kookaburra is indeed native to Australia - indeed it is widely accepted to be the 5th best living creature from the place, look you see - but sightings of them have been made here in Yorkshire, or if you like the proper world.
my efforts in this respect have not so much failed but rather just disappointed. to this end i have sought distraction in the news and current affairs of the day, going with this as far as buying a newspaper recently. much of what i have garnered from current affairs has been suitably distracting, true, but also terribly depressing. for a start i note that the little one off of that Top Gear show has for some reason been allowed access to the controls of the nations finances, and in a stunning lack of imagination has used this to increase the price of cigarettes by some 35p per packet.
a distinct event horizon looms in this regard, ladies and gentlemen. on the one side they wish to rid the country of people who smoke, on the other the system of generating taxation relies very heavily indeed on the idea of people continuing to buy cigarettes. one shall break, and it shall not go down well.
also, as a consequence of indulging the news and current affairs, i have but of course once again encountered this hideous, ghastly woman who for some reason has a vendetta against me.
yes, her. Theresa May. the woman who hates British people in general and British families in particular, and yet somehow managed to wrangle her way into being the Prime Minister of the people she loathes and detests so much.
i am but one of the many who have suffered her anger and hatred. as friends, family and regular readers of this blog shall be all too aware, we were one of the victims of her Draconian laws and requirements for British people married to non-EU citizens coming home. we managed to beat her system, but we still remain at risk of her wrath. no, i am not kidding, for her i should rather choose between living in my country of birth or my (considerably) better half. never mind that she is the mother of British subjects. indeed, yes, if i had married a Polish or Romanian lady, or even a Frenchie, she would not only have been happy about this would would have allowed such a spouse to lounge around, claiming benefits and watching television for the term of her natural life.
and that brings us quite nicely to why this wretched, horrible woman has surfaced upon my radar once again. television, dear reader. apparently now she wants to not so much know what we are watching on television; she wants to watch us watching television.
according to that "WikiLeaks" thing the Americans, with as ever the generous and giving assistance of us British, have been enabling some sort of cameras in 'Smart' television sets. this, in turn, enables them to watch us watching television, if they so wish to do so.
by British i took it as a given then meant Theresa May. she has formidable, if not quite spectacular, form in expressing an interest in being kept up to date with what everyone else is doing. this, up to now, has been shown in her fascination with my private life - something she as Home Secretary wanted explicit details of before she would allow me to come home with my (considerably) better half, and indeed in her wish to know the internet habits and uses of absolutely everyone in the country. but watching us watch television would seem to take it to a new level.
on the subject of her wish to know all that we do on the internet, Spiros was most excited about it. i am certain i have told this story before, but anyway. when it was announced that the Government wished to know what he was looking at, he was thrilled as he thought they wanted to be his friend. he quickly printed off a list of sites he had bookmarked. further, he went as far as grading them with a star system, drawing five stars next to sites he considered, in his words, to be "wanktastic", to one star for "left me as flat as Holland".
it has always been my assumption that the below image of Theresa May was taken just after she had, as much as it disgusts me to say this briefly in her defence quite bravely, ventured into the 3 and 4 star sites what Spiros had sent her on some slightly soiled printing paper.
yes, quite. anyway, what she wishes to do now - watch us watching television - really strikes me as some sort of perversion. has she really, as leader of the 5th best economy in the world, not got anything better to do with her free time that have a gander at us watching a bit of tele on a night?
perversion, yes. indeed i do know that there is some popular television show, Googlebox or similar, which encourages the nation to watch others watching television. a conspiracy theorist would step in here and say that was all set up to soften us all up to accept this. i think not. what i saw of that series was all clearly quite well scripted and staged. that does not mean it was not entertaining for those who liked it, but it does mean it's not quite the same thing as what Theresa May is getting up to.
how is it that our friends in America hit on this idea for us British to help with? did all that fancy, smart wterboarding stuff they do suggest that terrorists have a proclivity to plan atrocities and construct bombs whilst sat around the tele? i very much doubt these are questions Theresa May asked; she will have just been "oh, yes, it will be spiffing to watch the unwashed masses this way, let us help".
as far as i know, whilst they are smart to watch none of our teles are "Smart" in the sense that they connect to an internet or have cameras in them. should that not be the case, do i, as one of the population, really care if Theresa May wants to watch me watching television? not really. she will, i suspect, be disappointed to learn that usually all i watch are repeats of 90s and 00s American TV shows what have the letters I, C and S in them. whilst i watch them i am usually reasonably dressed, and tend to flick through a magazine or book - a volume of Auberon Waugh, for instance - as i watch.
there are, however, some quite scary people in this country. every day we pass in the street people who seem reasonably normal, yet carry the suggestion that when they get home they quickly change into a tutu, or even perhaps a big massive badger or fox styled onesie, as this tremendously enhances the furious masturbation they subject themselves to before the altar that is the most recent episode of The Chase, or maybe even a provincial broadcast news report on a mayor or some roadworks.
it is possibly best not to think or contemplate such things, let alone willingly watch someone do it. this would be bad enough to stumble upon by accident, but no, Theresa May wants to see it. she wants to see it all.
considering i am already in her bad books for doing things like marrying the person i love and wanting to live in my country of birth, you are probably right - i should not further risk my life by writing such things. but hey, i've written it now. to write it i must have thought it, and surely we can't be all that far away from her also expecting us to record all our thoughts and dreams and post them to her.
actually, if you are British and have had some impure thoughts, then why not write them down - in as much graphic and explicit detail as possible - and send them to Theresa? she might have nothing better to do should the internet be down and thus cannot access the links Spiros sent her, and the monitoring equipment on televisions might not be working. a 2nd class stamp - and you really wish there was such a thing as a 3rd class one for her - only costs 55p.
the correct address for the things you'd like to share with Theresa May that she can't work out all by herself from your internet and television is :
Theresa "I Like To Watch" May
House of Commons
or of course you can use......
The Prime Minister [respect the office, if obviously of course not the present office holder]
10 Downing Street
and after you have sent that off, you must of course go straight to the nearest police station (any one of the 12 in the country which have not been closed down) and surrender yourself for being guilty of the crime of not being liked by Theresa May. this shall make you many things, but lonely is not one of them.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!