there are things that you expect to happen in this life, to be sure, and then there are things what might happen, look you see, but you do not know if they will. one such example of these, or this if that is the proper way to word it (and it probably is), would be being selected for jury service.
it is of course that what has (kind of) happened to me, hence me singling it out from the many, many things that could or might have happened in this life. there i was, just minding my own business, reading The Viz when i turned a page and discovered that i was, as point of fact, on the jury at Fulchester Crown Court for a most particularly unpleasant crime.
yes, i will give the details of the case i was asked to sit on as a juror. no, they are not pleasant or comfortable reading. my advice to you, then, is that if you are squeamish or have no wish to be troubled by the more disturbing deeds of some members of our society, you should almost certainly skip the next paragraph of this post.
basically, a gentleman was caught in a compromising position. which is a polite way of saying that he was observed apparently attempting to bum a crocodile. this was observed by some fine, upstanding members of the community. despite being witnessed, a plea of not guilty was entered. the defendant claimed that he was, in fact, attempting to save the crocodile from choking on a duck what the zookeeper had fed him, at which point the buckle on his belt broke and that was why his trousers were down around his ankles as he did this.
we, the jury who happened to have stopped and read those pages of The Viz, were encouraged to carefully consider the evidence and decide if he was guilty or not guilty of (to put it frankly) bumming a crocodile. the judge reminded us that it was the job of the prosecution to prove beyond doubt guilt, and not for the defendant to prove beyond doubt his innocence.
i am not sure what and what not we, the jury, can discuss or say on our deliberations and the nature of our vote. let me not, then, say whether i voted guilty or not guilty. but my thinking, if you are interested, is that there is surely no way whatsoever that the police, or if you like the constabulary, would ever arrest the wrong person for a crime, now, is there?
now, of course, yes, being part of having justice served (although the verdict is only to be revealed in the Christmas edition of The Viz), and making a meaningful contribution to society is reward in itself. but it was lovely of The Viz to give all who served on the jury a free pen, so long as they sent in a stamped addressed envelope, with the stamp being for "large" letter due to the vagaries of Royal Mail.
the pen what i got (this time) was the short, stubby one, which features the potential and means to switch between red and black ink. this is, i suspect, partially based on them small, mini pens one can get down the bookies.
as you may well have observed, above and below, i have a number of free pens off of The Viz, as well as a pencil or two. the pencil is, i believe, something which i have discussed in a fairly recent post, so i will not go into too much detail again here.
indeed, due to the obsession what The Viz has with giving away pens (and pencils) to those what send in a stamped address envelope it is quite rare that i ever really need to buy a pen (or pencil). to be honest, the only time i have ever bought a pen over the last, say, 5 or so years is when i have felt the need to use one that does not have Viz cheap pen written on it, or i have seen one going cheap. which is not something that happens as often as you might think.
well, anyway, that's that. should i remember, then, yes, i will give an update on the eventual verdict on this court case what i was on the jury was. but i would be fairly confident you can assume he was found guilty, the filthy, dirty gentleman who was given the appearance of a fair trial.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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