Friday, March 14, 2014

Russell Hobbs vs The Rainbow

hello there

my initial feeling here is that i have uploaded, or if you like "upped", far, far, far too many pictures for the minimal point i have with this. there could well, then, be a good deal more waffle than usual. sorry in advance.

i had reason to investigate and establish the viability of procuring a new iron. no, not a golf thing - i have no wish to indulge in affairs with cocktail waitresses or to be twatted with a golf stick thing as a consequence thereof, thank you. i refer of course to the conventional iron, that class piece of equipment which allows one to have their shirts, strides and various other items of clothing look all neat and that.

off i went, then, to one of the leading proprietors on this whole "internet" thing to see what i could find. what i found, via some deft searching, was a formidable range of irons. and yes, actually, they did suggest the golfing variation as i shopped, but i ignored the suggestions.

the above does indeed show the fruits borne or grown by the tree which i planted in respect of a search for an iron. i am sorry i did not think to take selfies as i searched; in retrospect this was a grand act of folly on my behalf. the next time i seek an appliance i will try to remember to do that.

in looking for an iron i took into account, of course, all of the most important factors. these would be size and weight (for a light iron is rubbish at doing clothes properly), the largest number of W possible (Watts i think that W stands for, but it needs to be over 2000 to be classed as a proper one), the price (cheap is no good, expensive usually means a load of features you will not use) and, above everything else, colour.

little can be as important to ensuring that you have the right sort of iron than the colour of it. why? well, this is the point at which an obnoxious gobsh!te who had made a grand sweeping statement would attempt to underline their assumed authority and state something like "if you have to ask then you have no business knowing", as if the wisdom were some divine or cosmic gift ordained on the chosen few, or otherwise that the wisdom, as such, would die when they die.

the colour is probably important, then, to create the correct level of ambiance and intent for the clothes you are going to tackle with it. Australian clothes, for example, would greatly benefit from a canary yellow iron, reflecting the bold, stark bubbly nature of the people from that fine nation. at the other end of the alphabet, Austrian clothes should probably be ironed only with a light blue or pale white coloured iron, reflecting the tranquil ways of the fjords and lakes that the threads were crafted from.

i chose a purple one because my (considerably) better half and i just really, really like purple. it makes everything a little bit Hendrix. so i ordered the first purple one that looked like it would do the job for a not unreasonable fee.

the box is beautified with all sorts of important statements too; speaking a language that states i made the right choice here. indicating, for instance, that it is "professional" is a good thing. it would cause me a great deal of distress if my strides - or my quite possibly endorsed by Joe Bugner boxers - were ironed with amateur equipment. not that i know what an amateur or "starter" iron looks like. feasibly, i suppose, it would be the iron equivalent of the child's toy i am writing this on.

stating that it is number one in the USA is also good. i don't know if you have had reason to look at a map that does not focus on Malaysia and Vietnam recently, but if you have you will notice that America is bloody massive, man. there are probably a lot of people living there, then, and many of them will iron clothes, although i do not know if they do so on a professional or amateur level. to be declared number one there, then, is quite something and well worth putting on the box.

also it says it is 'steamglide'. my (considerably) better half said that the iron needed to in some way produce an unspecified variant of steam to be any good, so i took it as a given that it gliding on steam would mean that it was even more excellent than it would be if it did not.

it has just dawned on me that my very good and exceptionally talented friend Jonathan has had, in his time, some issues in the world of ironing. this is true with particular relation to gentlemen of the road that have scant intention of ever having a fixed abode. i trust that he has not taken this post as any reference to such quarrels, barring of course this particular paragraph.

on we go, then, and into the box that the iron came in. it was opened, with some enthusiasm i will happily let you know, by William and my (considerably) better half. they were quite excited when a representative of Royal Mail delivered it, and asked me, to whom the parcel was addressed, if they could open it. i agreed to this.

inside was quite, then, a surprise.

there, ladies and gentlemen reading this, is the iron that Russell Hobbs claimed on the website as being purple in colour. for a frame of reference, or if you prefer the ease of reference, next to it is an element of the box that two pairs of quite possibly endorsed by Joe Bugner boxer shorts were sold in.

despite claiming no expertise in the world of colour, for i am not at all as good with colours as my mate Spiros, or indeed Chris if he is reading (hiya mate), is or are, i would boldly suggest that the box thing from the in all likelihood in no way really connected to Joe Bugner boxer shorts is a closer resemblance to the colour purple than the number one professional iron offered by Russell Hobbs is.

which, if i were to put it to you, would you declare to be purple? i would suggest that if you were in a bathroom, minding your own business, and the box came hurtling at you, assuming that it didn't totally knack your elbow or brain you would say to the investigating officer that it was purple, although of course the investigating officer might be too busy stealing things to pay attention to whatever it was you were going on about. if the iron was in some way fired at you - something that probably would cause a good deal of damage to brain and elbow areas - i would think that you would not with any immediacy describe the colour of the iron to the member of the constabulary loading his pockets with watches, phones and doors as being stark, bold purple.

am i disappointed? yes, of course. police stealing things from crime scenes is wrong, just plain wrong, but sadly it is a given as something that will happen in certain countries when you call the police. it is their way there, and there is no one to turn to for assistance. believe me, i have tried.

the lack of purple colour in the purple coloured iron is, as you can probably guess by the fact that i have opted to do a rather convoluted bog post about it, most annoying. not annoying enough to send the whole thing back and say "send me a proper, and by proper i mean purple, one", mind. that would be difficult considering the formidable, indeed from a destruction point excellent, job William did with the box.

despite not being purple in the way i expected, perhaps this one will do the job anyway. it is not a first choice colour, but it is also not one that i would object to gliding on a wave of steam across my strides either.

this iron is purple in the sense, i suppose, that your average professional footballer would accept that it is indeed purple. any shoe salesman wishing to make easy money would visit a football ground with boots of this colour, assuring the intellectual giants of the modern game that the subtle blend of orange and pink used makes these an elegant, world class shade of purple, and they would definitely look amazing out on the pitch wearing them. especially that thick one at Arsenal who is always caught with his pants around his ankle.

my mate Fraser has got it right in this regard, really. he says that if he were ever given control of a football club, all he would do is taken them all down the barber to get a proper haircut, then take them down the shop to get proper black boots. "**** them one" was his answer to what he would do to any of the players that objected or argued with him about that, or anything else as it happens.

the iron shall, inevitably and hopefully not unduly, be given a test run, or if you like first flight (mindful of the whole "steam glide" thing) at some stage over the weekend. it will be as exciting as ironing can get seeing how it performs, despite the inadvertent identity crisis concerning the colour purple.

hang on, the colour purple was some sort of book or film, wasn't it? i think that guy that did that film with that guy from that other film made it as an early shot at one of them awards. if anyone has hit this blog post after doing a google thing for that film and/or book and has for some reason read this far all i can say is i am very sorry and i hope another search finds what you wanted.

it's just flashed up on the news that them who are looking for some sort of missing plane have decided to widen the search area as they have not found the plane yet. how peculiar, in my experience one only widens a search area when they have found what it was they sought but just wish to make sure.

i suppose what makes this iron incident mostly a disappointment is that, in the past, Russell Hobbs has got the colour purple so spectacularly correct. observe, if you will.

when it comes to a purple kettle, then, as you can see Russell Hobbs cannot be challenged or contested. perhaps, then, they threw all the purple paint they had down at the factory at kettles, leaving it as being a case of "purple surprise" when it came to the irons. or purple dye i suppose, whatever it is they use to colour appliances at their factory.

yes indeed there have been one or two pictures here taken in Commodore 64 mode with scan lines switched on. i did not feel the need to point that out, for most of you will be all too aware of what they are and why they appear here.

they do, however, serve to underline, or perhaps illustrate, the ways in which this purple iron is not really purple at all. if Commodore 64 says it is not purple then it is not purple, after all. the Commodore 64 had way more range and dynamics in respect of colour than, say, a ZX Spectrum, so it would know.

i am actually wondering if someone at the same time used the same proprietor of the internet as i did, right, and said "ooh, i like that orangey pinky iron, that will do a class job on my flares and floral shirt, that will", and are currently sat staring at a purple iron, wondering if they should do a blog post about it.

and this is probably a lot more than i thought would have been possible to write on the subject of this class new iron without actually using it as of yet. that's not bad of me, i think. probably quite boring for you, but not entirely my fault if it is and you opted to read this far, but all the same many thanks for doing so.

more on gadgets and that eventually. soon, actually, or when i have worked out if i have wired it all up proper.

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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