Tuesday, November 06, 2012

the lessons and insights of The Cabin In The Woods

hi there

my (considerably) better half saw an advert for this The Cabin In The Woods film and expressed an interest in seeing it. as the thing looked nothing more than a homage / rip off of my beloved Evil Dead films, i happily agreed to a screening.

as it turns out, the film is not quite a straightforward rip off of The Evil Dead, but it's not too far off from being that. it was pretty good, really, but instead of a review i am going to post some discoveries and knowledge i took from it.

inevitably, this means a *** BIG MASSIVE HUGE SPOILER WARNING *** is in place for everything that you will see or read after the movie poster. you've been warned.




back in the 20th Century, in particular the 80s, nerds looked like this.



in the 21st Century, specifically in The Cabin In The Woods, they look like Thor.




you can make an excellent, telescopic and fully functional bong out of a conventional thermal coffee mug.



the most crucial facility in the world, one that the survival of the human race depends on, will one day be run by idiots who turn the whole thing into a betting pool.



further, this facility will be staffed by people who are even bigger idiots as they are happy to bet on the outcome of exactly how the human race will survive against the two idiots that can decide how.



marijuana is excellent. it not only makes you immune to any sort of physically controlling drugs and psychological mind control attempts, but also it enhances your perception and knowledge so much that you can rumble any sophisticated shenanigans in half the time Sherlock Holmes would take.





the one down side to marijuana, however, is that it seems to make you think a stuffed wolf head mounted on a wall is a moose. it also compells you to actively encourage an ex-girlfriend to engage in what Bill Clinton termed "sexual relations" with the moose / wolf head.

and, on that note, ex-girlfriends will bow to the wisdom and wishes of former boyfriends and do exactly that.




if you have not smoked some magical marijuana your power of perception is non-existant. as in, when someone with you crashes into an invisible, electrified barrier which makes the barrier light up far and wide, you will conclude that "he must have hit something".



if thousands of demons, entities, ghosts, Cenobites, massive snakes, deadites, zombies and massive snakes are kept in a secret mountain, the mechanism that locks them away from harming anyone will be possible to over-ride with one big, massive red button that is located in an unsecured room.



if you press that big massive red button, the thousands of demons, entities, ghosts, Cenobites, massive snakes, deadites, zombies and massive snakes will automatically and instinctively unite and just kill all the humans, never once turning on each other.



now that's solidarity! and finally.......

a big, massive entity, roughly the size of all the mountains on Earth combined, once lived on Earth. it decided, though, to cut a deal with humans. this entity is prepared to live in secret and far below the surface of the planet, so long as every year it is given the blood of at least four teenagers.

if you decide one year to short change the entity and give it the blood of three teenagers and Sigourney Weaver, it goes ballistic and sets about destroying all life on Earth instead of allowing for a brief extension.




well, there you have it. there are probably other class lessons that the film teaches, but these are the ones i shall reflect on the most!



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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