Sources within the Football Association have revealed that national coach Steve McLaren lost two crucial CDs containing vital data about England’s European Championship campaign. Apparently the two disks contained details of 25 million alternative goalkeepers and one about individuals who might possibly support Peter Crouch up front.
Details of the 25 million better goalies were held in a spreadsheet listing biometric details such as ‘Ability to see ball’ and ‘Can catch’ and ‘Propensity to concede shocking howlers in the first ten minutes of the game’.
Although millions of the individuals listed on the disks were under ten years old (half of which were of course girls), it is thought that these players might still have given the England manager a few more options between the sticks. ‘Little Jessica Harrison celebrated her eighth birthday yesterday – she probably would have stopped the first one’ said Alan Hanson. ‘And what was Sol Campbell doing all game that eighty-seven year old Edna Johnson couldn’t have done if the coach hadn’t lost her address and telephone number?’Steve McClaren now looks set to lose his job as England manager, and the FA are looking at their list of alternatives. These are held on a couple of CD Roms which were posted to Soho Square and should have turned up over a week ago. In the meantime England will have to find another goalkeeper to play in next summer’s crucial friendlies against Andorra and San Marino. Alistair Darling has volunteered to pull on the Number One shirt.
