blues of the smuggler

hi


yes, i did indeed want to call this post smuggler's blues, look you see. this would have been in no small part as tribute to the halfway decent song what once featured on Miami Vice (proper tv version not rubbish film) (and i do mean rubbish). for the life of me, however, i did not know if it would be correct to say smugglers, smuggler's or even smugglers', so i just left it well alone. getting the spelling, the typing and all that is important to me. from time to time.

if i were to say that we all had a hobby, or indeed a vice, that would probably be wrong. some of us, however, do indeed have this. mine would be not so much the one as two or three. of these, the one which is perhaps the most curious is my disposition, my proclivity or my interest in wrapping up rather weirdly specific and precise toothpaste in cling film, and then posting it off on a journey just south of 12,200 miles, or if you like just north of 18,000 kilometers.

exactly how long have i had an interest in doing this? give or take a few weeks, about 7 years now. to be honest, ever since my Dad first asked (as in, insisted) i do this for him, as often as possible. so yes, then, this is all about the unavoidable fact that toothpaste what has for some reason had "lovebeads" shoved in it is once again back on the shelves for sale.

for a product that the manufacturer assured me, in writing, was in fact discontinued some four or five years ago it sure does seem to crop up on the shelves of retailers infrequently often. in this instance it was Poundland what had taken the mantle of seller of this most elegant and discerning forms of toothpaste. they had a few boxes in, and i have noticed that ever since i bought a whole stack at once they have restocked with plenty. as in, lots.

what's the appeal of this particular toothpaste, a toothpaste that has lovebeads rammed or otherwise thrust into it as a selling point? i have no idea. there has always been a temptation to try this stuff, but a sense of guilt has always thwarted this. every tube of lovebead toothpaste i were to use, to be sure, would be one that my Dad was not enjoying.

just what, other than lovebeads, would one find in this toothpaste? for those of you curious, or even interested in passing, here you go. this next image shows the three different of the four sides of the packaging, so you may inspect, disseminate and understand it all.

to be honest if - and i wish to make the if part there perfectly clear - i was going to start experimenting, or messing about, with lovebeads, then i suspect my first instinct would not be to shove them into some toothpaste. no, i have thought about it, and there is not much in the way of clarification i could give beyond that statement which would be suitable to be on this blog.

going back a little, why is it that the manufacturer wrote to me to try and claim this most peculiar form of dental care was no longer available? because i wrote to them, begging them to sell this stuff in Australia or New Zealand. not that i mind sending it on to Dad; far from it. my concern was just with it so infrequently appearing on the shelves here he might have had to settle for a lesser, other, presumably inferior form of lovebead free toothpaste from time to time.

how much does it cost to post lovebead loaded toothpaste to the other side of the world? in the grand scheme of things not too expensive. to send three tubes costs south of £10 but north of £9.50. sending four tubes makes slightly more economical (fiscal, perhaps) sense, for if i recall correctly that costs north of £12 but also south of £13. spending so much to send something that costs so little might seem peculiar, but then you have to consider how priceless the toothpaste is thought of at its point of arrival.

i suppose if the shipping and costing was an issue i could just pretend not to see it as and when it is up for sale. to do so would be morally wrong, though. besides, in all truth, i quite like wrapping this stuff up and sending it halfway around the world. or, you know, all the way around the world, for how the hell would i know what sort of route the postal systems of the world would deem fit to use.

do i actually feel like i am doing something mischievous or illicit? well, that would explain the title of this post, if i was or if i did. no, not really, but it is a lovely title. although yes, i do get some funny looks off of the post office when, for "security reasons" (as in they are being nosey) they ask what i am sending, and then i explain what and why.

for those particularly interested, i can indeed confirm that yes, the consignment of lovebead loaded toothpaste pictured here did indeed arrive safely in New Zealand, and there was much merriment when it did. some further packages have and shall be sent, so far as a balance between stock and affordability permit.




be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is accomplished

hello there


there is a temptation, look you see, to say that this is one of them "nothing, really" sort of posts. except it very much is something. a very big thank you very much indeed to all of you.

for what? well, it has taken some 15 years (blimey), but one of those milestone numbers has been reached.

undoubtedly many other websites out there hit one million people visiting a lot sooner that this blog has reached that figure. the difference, i would speculate, is that they all probably set out to achieve such. i didn't really. my thinking was maybe a few friends and family members would have a gander, and then i would get bored with it and not do it after a few weeks. didn't quite go that way.

anyway, many thanks to all of you who have come and had a look here, you see!



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my room

hi


it had been previously thought, look you see, that less (fewer?) than 20 pictures which featured me (moi) during the 1990s existed. the actual figure may have even been south of 10. realistically, though, the answer is possibly that somewhere well north of 30, maybe even hundreds of them, happen to exist, i just do not have them.

with this partially in mind, there is some degree of interest as and when i happen to chance across any such pictures. as i have very little else to do with such excitement beyond "post" the odd one or two on that social media thing and then "share" them here, well, here we are.

many of you, i know, get quite excited about date accuracy. i can feel your pressure to be specific on the where and when details. no such information exists for these pictures, alas. the best i can do is narrow it down some, and say that they come from mid to late 1993, possibly more towards the mid section. revelations of how and why i come to that narrowed down assumption (guess) shall flow as we go.

right now, as point of fact. with me sat at my desk there one cannot see a big Olivetti typewriter. you can however almost make out my sleek, black, slimline Casio electric typewriter, one that used either very expensive ink cartridges or "printed" (burned?) text onto that classy "thermal" paper like what some fax machines used. so that places this all prior to 1994. that i am resplendent in a rudimentary jumper and am (actually) south of the equator means that this is the colder, winter months of the southern hemisphere, so surely mid-1993 is accurate. more evidence to follow.

what can i realistically tell you of the above? well, i am at something of a loss on what would appear to be either a Diana Ross picture or calendar. she's most smart, like, but i have no recollection of this at all. best guess is that it was a calendar. the piles of paper and envelopes on the corner of the desk suggest University stuff (i am quite clever, as and when i try or otherwise apply myself) (no, not as often as you might think), which again says 1993.

on the wall facing me above is, i imagine, an image of The Rolling Stones. can't be The Who, no way does Daltrey jump that high and you couldn't see Townsend playing the guitar in such a basic, conformist manner. Mick and Keith, to be sure. by my side on the wall, then, is my absolutely massive, block mounted Italian version of the poster for Taxi Driver. yes, i still have it, but no, not on display, all nicely wrapped up and stored safely. next to it is a page from Empire magazine, they used to have a "classic scene" on the last page of each edition and presumably i thought it was a very good idea indeed to frame that one and place it (juxtaposition)? near the poster.

i did indeed have one of them "en suite" bathroom things, thank you for asking. and here i am, apparently showing whoever is taking this picture the doorway to it.

two of the things which dominate this picture are mine no more. i speak of the really smart posters at either side. most recently, a few years ago, the Wild At Heart one went to a nice sounding lady in one of then "northern Europe" nations (possibly Norway, i might have remembered if Finland), simply as she asked for it. offered to pay, true, but as i was happy for it to go on display somewhere all i would accept was the cost of shipping. as for the other, my most beloved Blade Runner one, well, when the time came for me to come home it seemed most appropriate for me to leave it with a very dear, special friend, someone who has always been there for me and continues to be as and when they can.

did i, and my bedroom, attract a lot of what you might (assuming either you are not American or are American but now understand the correct definition of the word) call "a lot of fanny"? certainly, but i would not use such a crude and crass term. ladies, thank you. in retrospect, looking at the above picture, in doing so i am not entirely sure the correct signals were being sent out there, what with my shrine to De Niro's stellar performance as Max Cady out of Cape Fear, or having photographs of some very dear friends who happened to be ladies on the wall.

one for the ladies, then, or indeed for members of the gentry who may for some peculiar reason find me their sort of thing, in the form of me apparently getting dressed. you would have to think that the presence of the Reservoir Dogs poster on the wall also pretty much lands this in 1993. i do appreciate the film was made/released what have you in 1992 (i think), but it didn't really take off or catch on until a bit after.

the red curtains are indeed, i would like to think, a tribute to the "red room" off of or out of (whichever is correct) Twin Peaks, but if so then they are a homage off of me Mum, who set up such things for me. over on the bookcase are a few books, yes, but for the most part it seemed more important to me to have a few video tapes and audio cassettes on display. what was on them? can't rightly recall, but i would trust all quality. tapes of the music variety will be Bowie, Frankie, Stones, Stone Roses, Who, etc. you know, the best of the best.

quite a few things to get through in the next image, to be sure. last image too, for those of you who are getting bored but for some reason remain reading. final, conclusive proof for those wondering that this is mid (ish) 1993 would be the smart Brett Anderson out of Suede poster on the back of my door (courtesy NME), and indeed the Black Tie White Noise off of David Bowie promotional poster put wherever it would fit.

no, i am unsure what fate befell the Bowie promo poster. for some reason i think i had two. it is possible that i have them still, rolled up, but maybe they are gone. bit lost on the second Blade Runner poster i appear to have there, do not recall it at all. for the keen eyed, oh yes, that is my framed Tin Machine concert ticket, and yes i still have it framed.

over on the door there is something of a celebration of Denis Leary going on, in particular his "debut album" No Cure For Cancer. i can recall an NME (or similar) review, saying it was "mostly funny but will date quickly". let me assure you that, 25%+ of a century later, i still find it funny. there's also some postcards from another dear friend on display. one is off a series of cards called "lost consonants", featuring plays on phrases with one non-vowel dropped. best of them was "the fog has turned into a prince", which shows a masked lady with a fog machine conjuring up Prince (that one) from the fog generated by her device. over the light switch is a very much treasured card, and advertising one saying When things are dim give them Vim.

so then, that's that. an unexpected but on the whole very pleasant discovery by me of some images of me. it is quite difficult for me to grasp just how many, if any, shall be interested in all of this, but there you go, i have written it and put it "out there" now, what is done is done. for whatever reason you read and had a gander, thanks very much indeed for taking the time to do so!




be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i've never seen anything quite like you before

hey there


just one of them rather materialistic curiosities, look you see. not necessarily a lavish indulgence or act of bourgeois opulence, but also far from a trivial waste of time. well, perhaps.  all i can do is show, discuss and hope that it is all, at the worst, no more and no less of a waste of time than my usual ramblings here.

for two different layers of friends i have around the world, and on either side of that mythical equator our society places such video on, i suppose the abiding image people have of me is video. not just any video, really, but them splendid vhs tapes which revolutionised our lives, making it possible to watch films (and related) whenever we so wished, so long as we were at home or at a place with a video machine. and a tape.

much of my association with video tape comes from one notorious, infamous perhaps, edition of News At Ten. yes, i was one of those peculiar children who for some reason followed the news. anyway, on one episode, they did a "shocking expose" on how easy it was to do something called "pirate". it showed how easy it was to connect two cassette (tape) decks to pirate computer games, it showed how simple it was to connect two video machines to pirate videos off of the video shop. they presented this as a shocking and very, very bad thing; i saw it as excellent and a very, very good thing.

the point here, moving away from anything too incriminating, would be that in my life i have encountered a good many video cassettes. loads indeed, as point of fact. but in all of my time, and in all of my adventures, i had not previously seen anything like the above video tape, presented for your pleasure in the highly pleasurable and pleasant Commodore 64 mode.

at a glance you may well say "what is he on about, that is just a Beta cassette". you would be forgiven for this, for that is all i saw when i first saw it. the truth, though, is that this happens to be a most curious and interesting looking VHS tape. stick with this, you shall see. well, if you are interested in this sort of thing. no, not that sort of thing, so to speak, but as it happens that does feature.

it was never really the case that "gimmicks" came in to the world or realm of VHS, or home video. little changed about the design and appearance. oh, sure, you may think that when they changed the colour of the cassettes, or had a different "bail bar" at the top protecting the tape, that was some sort of gimmick or marketing strategy. alas, no, it was a simple way of trying to thwart piracy, to easily identify when rental shops or stores what sold tapes were dealing with bootleg copies.

above, then, is a view of the rear of the video tape. you are most welcome to take a tape measure or similar to the above, but for the trained or familiar eye it is clear that this is very much a VHS cassette, despite the quasi Beta appearance of the front or top part.

what are the most interesting elements about the back of this video tape? perhaps it is best for you to decide that, internally if you like but vocalise if you will. for me it is the octagon shaped holes for the spools, as opposed to the standard round ones. go big or go home seems to have been the idea of the people who made this cassette.

indeed, as for those who did make it, you should be able to make out there that it was, as point of fact, made in Ireland, to be sure. for all i know, then, whilst this tape might be quite common and was once the norm in Ireland. i simply do not know. other than not having made it to Ireland in my travels, the only person i know off of Ireland that reads this blog from time to time is Bono out of U2. when he does comment, video tapes just don't come into it.

something that makes this tape even more excellent than the appearance is that which is on it. yes, oh yes indeed, there is some of that sort of thing housed on it. i do indeed mean filth. mucky pictures, obscenities, that sort of thing. no i am not going to share any images here, and yes, honest, i only bought it for the appearance, really. sure.

most who i have shown this video cassette to, which would pretty much be my (considerably) better half until i wrote this, are most impressed with the "pac man" transparent casing. should that be the element, or indeed aspect, you like the most, then that's no problem.

right, that would be that. my most earnest and greatest thanks to the person who provided me with the tape, for an exceptionally reasonable cost. worth the coins alone just to showcase it here; the material on the tape itself very much a bonus.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

helicopters

hello there


just another one of those nostalgia inspired, sentimental hygiene exercises, look you see. no, i have no idea if these ones get written purely for myself, or if they connect to (or in some way resonate with) anyone else out there. with no particular reason to find an answer to that, i have no particular reason to stop, then.

every now and then i, and surely many others, spot an entirely random thing quite unexpectedly. it's something that will bring back distinct memories, and in so doing brings about a most satisfactory introspective smile, perhaps causing the streams of blood to skip with merriment as they circulate the heart, or whatever it is they all do.

such pleasure was mine when i was on, about and around the grounds of a place i had good reason to visit, and my head was cast downwards for no particular reason other than this would seem to be a normal, natural stance.

helicopter leaves, ladies and gentlemen. as in the plural of leaf, which i believe to be leaves, since leafs strikes me as what you would do when reading, as in one leafs through the pages of a book. should you disagree, and believe that i have this wrong, then that's fine. it doesn't really matter.

there is probably a proper name for this sort of leaf - two, no doubt, with a latin "original" and then an english language one. mostly proper names are important, kind of, but not to me in this instance. i shall forever remember these as helicopter leaves, for when i was a child that was how we saw these and how we played with them.

i am not sure if it was our imagination which stretched to such or if it was wisdom passed down from others. when we found this form of leaf, or these leaves, we picked them up via the "stem" but, held them slightly aloft between the tips of two fingers and rolled them off, into the air. arguably the movement after that was more "parachute", but they span around and "flew", so we felt natural and comfortable calling them helicopters.

did i, somewhere in the vast realms of Durham, pick one of these up and try to "do a helicopter"? yes, of course, there was no question. alas, the skill has gone. either my touch was too heavy, or some 30(+) years of not doing this means my technique has gone. no, not some sort of metaphor or other such nonsense about "loss of youth" and "forgetting childhood", etc, but just how it is. being unable to do it any more does not detract from the fondness of memory.

with all the tools and sources of knowledge available to me - an "internet", for a start - i suppose i could go ahead a look for the proper name for this kind of leaf, or these leaves. but, why on on earth would i do such? to do that would really be to if not eradicate then make a botched, clumsy effort to erase fond memories.

yes, as you can see in the above, i did indeed elect to try and take a picture of these helicopter leaves (leafs, if you are adamant) in Commodore 64 mode. whilst i am perfectly happy with how it looks, i suspected that you might have appreciated the above, non-Commodore 64 mode (i didn't say clearer) images to see what i was going on about.

anyway, that would be that for this. my thanks as ever for reading, absolute nice one if this has triggered some similar memories for someone out there somewhere.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll take on anyone, ain't scared of a bloody nose

howdy pop pickers


so yes, then, look you see. for the second month in a row after "finishing" doing a monthly post on Bowie, here's one on Bowie. or just a strange incident or episode, i suppose. perhaps it is one that has never really had as much attention as it should placed on it, or indeed has benefited from far more consideration than was really required.

the specific incident is the song Loving The Alien. no, that is not quite right. about 3, maybe 5, perhaps 7 but probably no more than 10 seconds of the original video for the song. some of this was likely to be referenced in the post i did on the Tonight album, but you would have to check on that, no way do i read what i write. surprised that anyone does, in truth. if they do......

even those who do dismiss the entirety of the Tonight album as "rubbish" do not actually dismiss the album entire. in fact, those who do expect the Spanish Inquisition, etc. beyond the poetic pop perfection and charm of Blue Jean, there is Loving The Alien. a song, even in its outrageously overproduced 1984 original release state, which is hard to argue with the vaguely impenetrable genius of.

in terms of the song itself, what is unknown and what is known are intriguing. for certain, there was absolutely nothing at all like it in 1984, certainly not in "mainstream" music or even on the edges. somewhere close to two decades before Dan Brown made such footnotes of history his retirement fund, here's Bowie referencing the Knights Templar and all associated with it.

this was a rare instance of Bowie talking in detail about one of his songs, but as you would expect he revealed quite little. other than he considered it "deeply personal", perhaps one of his most personal songs ever (ahem, certainly pre Blackstar). whilst some see it as a very linear critique (attack, perhaps) on organized religion (it was known that Bowie wrestled with faith, the opponent to his belief being the frustrations, the corruption and the hypocrisy of organized religion), i am not sure. other comments note that mostly it plunges into how our ideas, notions, understanding or common assumptions of history can, and often are, be radically altered by the next find.

Bowie was a prolific reader. knowing this, considering this song and noting that Holy Blood & Holy Grail was published just two years prior seems to make a connection. whilst i am not sure how much i wish to delve into the actual song itself, what has fascinated me for quite some time is the "self censorship" Bowie introduced to the lavish, very expensive, quite difficult to work out exactly what is going on video.

above is a still from the scene which "caused all the trouble". yes, below is a brief clip from the original video, showing it all. depicted is, indeed, David Bowie having an unexplained nose bleed as he sings the song.

this special effect, showing a swelling nose rather than just blood trickling down, would have been both difficult and expensive with 1984 technology. compliments to the team that pulled it off. then. leaving that aside, i don't rightly know why such an expensive scene would be in the video in the first instance, why out of all the imagery and lyrical content of Loving The Alien the BBC and several other broadcasters objected to it, or why Bowie felt that the edited version would be the only one ever to be made available again.

indeed i did promise you a video, and here it is. of course i would suggest you rather watch the whole video somewhere online, and certainly play the song entire on a decent stereo, but since you are here, this is the offending bit. but, be warned, when it was briefly available on video (the Day In Day Out "video EP"), it carried an "18" certificate, presumably purely for this scene alone.

with regards to the "edit", makes kind of sense from Bowie's perspective with the threat of a ban off the BBC, and also presumably things like ITV's The Chart Show. sure, it was 1984, and it was known that a banned video usually led to an increase in sales. consider, if you will, Relax, or even Girls On Film. but those bans came about because of that thing which must never ever be spoken of in England, or shown on screen, you know, thingy (sex for readers in countries where the government trusts them more than they do us). a ban for a bloody nose would be unlikely to send sales soaring, and as much as he was on a commercial pressure drive at the time, it genuinely seemed Bowie's wish was for this particular song to be heard by as wide an audience as possible.

but why this scene? sure, the "out of the blue", unexplained nature of it can be considered "unsettling" if you think of it for long enough. there are, however, no implications of violence or harm to it, a cause-effect thing which one would reasonably consider fair concern.

the thing is, right, if Loving The Alien were to come out today, then it is probable that the last thing anyone would be worried or concerned about is this now ever so slightly infamous "nosebleed" scene. daring to depict any sort of religion is ill advised as someone will kick off somewhere. the not so much implication as direct showing of an english gentleman marrying a muslim lady would undoubtedly cause some distress somewhere. why, i know not, i just live in this world.

also, if you made a video today where you reasonably in the context of the song projected an image of you as a Knight, possibly Knight Templar, carrying the shield of Richard The Lionheart, apparently engaged in the crusades, and had a muslim lady stood in support of you, it's probably not going to get heavy rotation on whatever shows have music videos on them these days. yes, would take a "you tube ban" as a given, i suppose.

lately i have found myself singing and humming Loving The Alien as i potter around. that is probably, in all likelihood, what brought back memories of the fuss around this scene, and the apparent fuss free resolution to it. no one, so far as i am aware is demanding the full video be made available again. although yes, i dare say there were expressions of disappointment when DVD releases of Bowie's videos came out, all featuring the edited (censored) version.

will we ever know what Bowie truly meant with Loving The Alien, or why he was so keen for all of us to hear it? probably not, no. but we can surely play the song and appreciate the magnificence of it.




be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no crib for a bed

heya


on my travels through this world i do get to see some things, look you see. these things, or if you like formatting tricks and techniques things, can be curious, striking, interesting or to some extent noteworthy. i am not sure that what i have seen in this instance falls into any of the above groupings of definitions, but we carry on anyway.

the things i see on my ways around the world that i consider to be of interest are those things which have, with wanton recklessness, been abandoned. no, actually, you, dear reader, seem to be the ones what consider them of interest, going on the reading figures for such incidents.

for those of you who have an interest, even if i am just addressing that to myself, here you go.

yes, indeed. in the greater glory of Commodore 64 mode, there you are. a rather, or indeed quite, battered mattress, along with a bottle which is one that unmistakably housed super strength and astonishingly cheap cider, that has been emptied and i suspect the bottle "recycled" in use, to put not too fine a point on it, for the cider must flow once more after consumption. 

it is at times like these that i question the decision, the bending, the acceptance and the commitment i have apparently intrinsically made to a life of responsibility. whilst under no circumstance making light of those who have genuinely fallen through no want and certainly no wish of their own, there are those of our society who have quite deliberately dropped out of it. 

my own sin, my corruption, my addiction, is of course cigarettes. due to the draconian taxation here, the price i pay for this - other, of course, than the presumably quite painful eventual demise, going on what the warnings promise awaits me - is roughly just south of nine pounds (cash) a day. on my travels i have seen gentlemen of ill fitting and seldom washed wardrobes enter shops just after they have opened, immediately purchasing a massive bottle of super strength cider and a loaf of bread. this costs them south of three pounds cash, and has them set for the day. 

the above, now that i think of it, probably shows off the world weariness of the mattress and the nature of the bottle far better than what the Commodore 64 mode picture did. see, again, i am trapped by the walls of responsibility.

could i ever do it? without being pushed or falling due to reasons beyond my control, just give it all up? head off, saying "oh, f*** it, i am off to get sh!tfaced on cider every day". no, probably not. far too materialistic for my own good, and yes, i would miss the people in my life. i don't even particularly like cider to be honest, but in our heavy handed taxation ways i am amazed at how remarkably cheap the lethal strength variations in massive bottles are. it is almost as if some in government would encourage those who follow this path to reach the end of the road as quickly as possible.

but, you know, good luck to those that chose such, and may hope bring brighter days for those who did not.




be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some more further reading

hello reader


and so it is time for one of those regular book review sort of things, but with added responsibility, look you see. in the northern hemisphere we are theoretically into the summer period, and as such you, the people, are looking for what to read whilst sat by the pool or on the beach whilst enjoying a holiday.

in my entirely unsolicited status as some sort of social media "influencer" i must be both responsible and mindful of what reading i endorse. or, you know, maybe not. more than likely the ladies who read on holiday will take to this new EL James novel that has rather conveniently landed in paperback. for the men, well, for the most part chaps on holiday will either swan or indeed mince around in speedos, trying to attract the eye of the ladies or similar minded gents, whilst all the time humming Macho Man by the Village People. of the men that read instead. it will probably be that James Patterson and Bill Clinton one what they read, the one that i reviewed earlier in the year and is now also out in paperback.

yes, i would appear to have got someone sidetracked in the above. happens more than you think to us social media "influencers"; i have a whole new level of respect for that Kanye Kardassian and that Kylie Jenkins now i know what stresses they have. anyway, a look at what i read, followed by a spoiler free overview.

Twisted by Steve Cavanagh was a "must purchase" owing to how rather good Thirteen, or if you like Thir13en, was. no, not "as good", not really kind of the same thing, but a rather decent read all the same. The Secrets You Hide by Kate Helm sounded fairly interesting, and then proved to be mildly interesting. not bad, as such.

as was, is, and always shall be, to be as fair as i can i will do all possible to avoid spoilers and such. but, to be safe, from here on out please note that a magnificent *** SPOILER WARNING *** is declared. seriously, if either have seemed or sounded interesting, then yes give them a go, worthwhile reads.

to start where i did would be to start with Twisted, then. yes, i bumped down a couple of other books i bought to get to this one as soon as i can, for i enjoyed the previous one and also Aunty (no, the other one) did and so i wished to pass it on as soon as possible.

provenance of my copy? i am almost certain it was £3 at Tesco, but it might have been £3.50. on the strength of just how good Thirteen, or if you will Thir13en was, this was something of an autopilot purchase, to be sure. although i am saving money by refusing to have anything to do with their 2 for £8 deal, so quite cross i remain at them increasing that deal by a quid.

the plot? well, it turns out not to be another Eddie Flynn adventure. also, not really a "legal thriller" as such, but a twisty turny mystery thriller all the same. basically, the world's most successful novelist is one that has hidden their identity from the entire world. when this identity comes very close to being exposed, the question is perhaps not so much what are they prepared to do to ensure it remains secret but maybe what exactly is it that they have previously done to ensure that anonymity remained very much a thing.......

it was all rather unusual and unexpected, this. what i really wanted was more of the same, but i suppose one cannot blame a writer for wishing to mix things up, do different stuff, etc. unless you are Dan Brown, i guess, but who is?

as measures of success, enough twists and turns to keep me interested and reading, with very few of them being too predictable or groan inducing. more than once, however, and i will word as carefully as i can, as i read i thought, "hang on, if x is so y then surely z", with the z invariably happening on the next page or the one after. oh.

ultimately the shortcomings are generously generally outweighed by the rather decent nature of the read. so, if you go right ahead and select this one for your reading pleasure, i have every confidence that you will enjoy. especially if you quite liked Thirteen, but so long as you have picked up on the subtle hints here that it is quite different.

on then, to The Secrets You Hide by Kate Helm. i know you are all for the most part really only interested in the provenance, so yes, Tesco again. only this time i am fairly sure this was either one of their £3 flat books of the week, or even maybe 50p below that.

plot? a courtroom artists with a deeply troubled past is invited to revisit one of her most famous works for an art project. not long after she starts to be "haunted" by visions of people from the past, associated with both the court case she is revisiting and her own darkly troubled upbringing. are these visions trying to warn her of something, or is something else going on.......

that really only covers some of it, sorry, best i could do to give a rundown without revealing too much. also, in a way, that and the apology highlights the single biggest problem or possible letdown with the novel; there is simply far, far too much going on in this all at once. plot twists and turns are wonderful, in particular within a thriller that is as psychological as it is "physical". but too many of them and you get a sense of them either being far too contrived, or simply being misled by conveniently not even hinted at developments that were "there all along".

whereas i really rather quite liked the novel, and would have little hesitation in recommending it, at no stage did i find myself as immensely immersed as i had expected (hoped), and no, didn't really "love" it as such. perhaps this is one of those books i shall think back on and recall it better later than i do right now.

so, then, that would be that for another two books. yes, if i am given time, there will indeed be a look at a further two novels, as and when i have read them.

well, anyway, time you would spend reading more here would be time not used in reading either of these, or whatever you are reading at present. best, then, to leave it there, with the usual thanks for reading this, and the obligatory modest hope that this has been of use to someone out there somewhere.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lynx frozen mint and lemon under review

hello


you would have thought i may have learned some form of lesson by now. them what do the lynx (axe in some corners of the world) deodorant have a habit, look you see, of misleading me into experimental purchases. it has very much happened again.

this time it is another of their "collision" or blend ones. apparently, or presumably, they have reached some zenith, zeitgeist or other such saturation point with simple, regular scents, and so now mix and match as to further exploit the market. in this instance, they have brought together mint - sorry, frozen mint - and lemon.

yes, the latter element was enough to secure my purchase. as i have documented several times in the past, lemon in personal hygiene products is quite class, for Jason "Jase" Donovan used to have it in his shampoo, and so it must be good. by means of an aside, my comments on this in the past would appeared to have made me quite the authority, for my words rank quite highly on the google for a search on the subject.

i approached this deodorant with sheer, perhaps innocent, optimism. everything about the description prompted most positive thoughts. aside from my passion for zesty lemon, how could it fail when there was the presence of what sounded like cool, refreshing, crisp (hello, Faye) frozen mint?

well, where it could fail - and does - is the part where it is left to lynx to determine or decipher what the scent of these is. apparently for them "frozen mint" has a damp, musky smell, the sort of which you might associate with certain kind of gentlemen who have been detained in a Turkish prison and have, for want of a better description, "made the most" of their time there. when it comes to lemon, apparently what lynx smell is a very sweaty, muscular, musky scent, the type of which you may well (again) associate with a gentleman who has made any number of friends whilst residing in a Turkish prison.

the standard purpose of lynx, or if you like axe, deodorants was to alert and allow feral teenagers to be drawn to each other for breeding purposes, either in bus shelters or down the sides of alleys near pubs and clubs. it would be quite far, i believe, to see that they are now looking at an entirely different demographic as a target market.

and why not, you would have to say. why not indeed. it is my understanding that the youth, the feral teenagers of today, do not seek to get completely smashed on very large bottles of exceptionally cheap cider and then engage in carnal proclivities. no, instead they just stare at them phone screen things and what have you. perhaps they are losing out, but should it be that they are happy with how life goes then there is no argument.

except, of course, for lynx, who must then find a new market for their wares. but i am rather lost at the approach they have taken to this new market. it may be worth exploring, yes, but for the life of me i cannot think of any gent who would willingly pay to smell like they have been rather intimate with a gentleman inside a Turkish prison when they could simply get themselves incarcerated and have that for free, with one or two "bonuses", depending on how you are with that sort of thing.

will i be buying any further tins or cans of this? no. i have no ambitions to be approached by gentlemen with (admittedly magnificent) big bushy mustaches, bearing names such as Ahmet, Mustafa and Berat, with them having the assumption that i very much wish for their attentions.

right, there you go. nice one if this has been of some peculiar use to anyone.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jap habit

ご挨拶

one of my few regrets, or if you like laments, with this blog is that i do not attract nearly as many Japanese based readers as i had thought. increasingly i am coming to suspect that this is down to the fact that Japan simply doesn't have an internet.

yes, before you ask, if you have not seen such posts before, i have indeed attempted to write 日本語のみ, but that does not seem to help and it just makes it tricky for everyone else to read.

this has come up again as Spiros has been in Japan recently. yes, that Japan. he was most pleased with his experience there, and asked me to publish this guest post. below, in italics, is his post, along with some images. it is only some very minor editing and censorship i have felt obliged to apply.

Spiros Guest Post On Japanese Taxis 

Stevie and other [expletive removed, no suitable replacement available], especially Cameron, f’off. Look you see, I have had the pleasure of spending an extended time in Japan. I thought my time was ruined when i heard ‘take a cab’ on day one.

In London that means listening to a white guy, who smells of p!ss, and who hates black people (pull the f’n lever meself!), whilst he navigates the shortest possible route between Heathrow and Kew Gardens via Canary Wharf, Your f’n “knowledge”, I can read Google maps just as easily as the next Bulgarian.

I would be ashamed to do a spew in a Japanese taxi. These guys wear top hats, white gloves, bow and call me Spiros-san. Black people are fascinating, the ride is in silence, without the cabbie screaming in time to the next moronic comment on LBC, and amazingly, they prefer card payments!

WTF is wrong with Brexit Britain? I was treated properly by men who look like Rees-Mogg earning a wage, everything is clean, they actually make and export things, etc. Plus I got to wear a kimono for three days and do karate training every day.

the only other thing Spiros added as an aside was that Uber does not operate in Japan. he said this is because, unlike his experiences in London, there is absolutely no need or call for it as the taxi drivers you find there are honest.

anyway, i would hope and trust that this has been of some interest to some of you.



otagai ni yūshūdearu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



or, indeed,



お互いに優秀である!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

green was the silence, wet was the light

now then


and so here we are, look you see, firmly within another month. the sixth of this very year, to be sure, so it is now all half gone or half to come, depending on what perspective you are most comfortable with. no matter which, it is of course time for a look at my most smart calendars.

but first, of course, some facts. this is because i apparently "boxed myself in" on this front, with my giving notes on why each month is called what it is making these posts better read than i would usually have expected or anticipated.

it is so that June appears in absolutely all variations of calendars known to exist, except of course for them ones in which it does not. showing a celebration of dedication to the origins of all calendar months being most decidedly northern hemisphere, we have the Roman Empire to thank for the name. an early "two for one" example, this is, as the name derives from Juno, the ancient Roman goddess of marriage (hence June being considered an ideal month for matrimony by some), and Junius, who if didn't actually take part in the foundation of the Roman Empire then at least sneaked in at some stage later and claimed such credit. well, why wouldn't you if you could.

down, off, out and in to the kitchen, then, for the much loved Winnie The Pooh calendar what i have on display at that location. as you have no doubt noticed, this month features the pig one and the bear one checking out a tree, admiring bees, butterflies and other such wonders of nature.

any significant dates in June? yes. this appears to have become another popular thing for me to do here, so as everyone ultimately likes to be liked, here are a choice few moments for you to pause and give consideration to. for the most part, it will be all 1989 related, but in case you miss that i shall state such again and again.

02 - it was 30 years ago today, in 1989 maths fans, that Dead Poets Society was released. beautiful film, still absolutely no idea how Robin Williams did not get overloaded with awards for his affecting, wonderful performance.

07 - Liam Neeson, the best actor never to play James Bond but would have been perfect for the role, was born on this day in 1952, which you may note is not 1989.

13 - Licence To Kill is released on this day in 1989. it was going to be called Licence Revoked, but someone felt that Americans would not immediately understand 50% of the title. this was to be the last time that someone off of Wales, look you see, was to be allowed to play Bond. also, it was the last Bond for some 6 years, and the last one "as we knew it", for when they made another 6 years later, for some reason they re-imagined the character of James Bond as a soft spoken, homoerotic Irish nancyboy.

15 - on this day in 1989, 30 years ago this year, Bleach by Nirvana got released. no, i really do not suspect anyone who happened to hear it at the time anticipated or expected what was to come.

16 - Father's Day in many countries around the world, but interestingly not in New Zealand. although some fathers based there still expect to receive a card. which they do.

21 - just one single day, 30 years ago in 1989, after Prince released his Batman album, David Hasselhoff released the Looking For Freedom recordings. this was the album which was to, in a  single handed way, both bring down the Berlin Wall and end Communism. well, according to David Hasselhoff it did, anyway.

22 - to mix it up a bit, here's a 45th anniversary for you. quite an important one to. the world cup football match between Scotland and Yugoslavia is considered by many (in Scotland) to be the greatest of all time, and is seen as the commencement of the total domination of the game by the Scots for several decades after.

25 - on this day (in 1989) twins Rafael and Edgar Morais are born in Portugal. massively talented, they will go on to be the most celebrated people to be Portuguese of all time.

29 - if you happen to be an engineer and in Ecuador, well that's just grand for you, for today is the day that Ecuador celebrate Engineer's Day.

well, that's enough of important (ish) dates, i think. any more such details and you might well end up distracted from getting on with your own month in the here and now. but, before you get on with that, of course there is the matter of my (elevated) shed calendar. what retro car this month? this one.

indeed, the unmistakable finesse, charm and sophistication of the 1973 Morris Marina, optimistically branded a coupe as if just the two doors was all one needed to meet the criteria of this aspiration.

do i have much to say of this automobile? not really. well, i was offered one for about £15 in the 80s, but this was all at a time when i could not (legally) drive. there was also an unexpected political consequence to this car. in essence, the idea of this vehicle was to make owning and driving a car affordable to those on the outer frontier of society, geography teachers, pharmacy workers, trainee grocer store managers and so forth. much of the population grew quite weary of this over the course of some 4 or 5 years, and it eventually saw the masses reject socialism entire if it meant this sort of nonsense. indirectly, then, this car led to the rise to power of Thatcher and a good decade or so of right wing tyranny.

anyway, i suppose that's enough. you have your calendar to plan, and some interesting dates to observe if you are of a mind to do so. more to follow, undoubtedly for the rest of the month, but for those of you who are only here for the calendar stuff i shall see you again in july.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for the want of a seat

heya


and so it was that i went off to attend an appointment. this has happened, look you see, so it was recently rather than it was to come at some future date. which this means that it has been, and not to be.

it is quite normal for me to arrive in good time ahead of any such appointment. call it the English way of doing things or just a "thing" of mine, but i have always been much more comfortable arriving somewhere an hour (or more) early than risk being moments late. to, or for, me, it has always been a respect thing, but if you want to say it's due to a fear of missing out ("FOMO" i think the kids call it), well that is up to you.

some comfort whilst i await such an appointment or engagement is always appreciated. perhaps a chair or similar, on which i may sit, is both kind and nice. in this instance, however, it was not to be, although that would appear not to be the fault of my quasi host.

whereas i have every confidence in the clarity of Commodore 64 mode for these images, for the sake of completeness the note reads "whoever took the sofa [their underlining, certainly not mine] please return it....it was not for the taking". so, it seems that the hosts of where i was visiting made every effort to provide a comfortable (or at the least functional) waiting facility for guests, visitors, patrons and what have you, but the intention was thwarted not long after execution.

my comfort in waiting or lack thereof is, of course, secondary. whereas the "incorrect" removal of the sofa is a pain, i really do like the English way of doing things approach to recovery. something been stolen? then for goodness sake just leave a note advising the remover that it was "taken in error" and ask them (politely) to return it.

it pains me to willingly leave you in suspense, but no, at this stage i have absolutely no idea as to whether or not the sofa was returned. of course i certainly hope it was, and would like to think this is so, but i cannot confirm it. whilst i can make no promises, i can assure you that should my travels take me that way again, i will have a look to see if any progress on return has been made, reporting if it has, remaining silent if not.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

of frankenstein or a god

hello there


it has been a while since i wrote of a particularly favourite subject here. that subject would be, look you see, the one of his greatness, his excellency, the legendary Jim Bowen, may he rest in eternal peace. fear not, for there has been no particular reason for this absence, except that the repeats of Bullseye seem not to be so frequent on the tele no more, and with that there has been little to comment on.

as it happens, i now have two things - not one and not three - related to Bowen to put up here. so as not to waste future material for a post, i shall deal with just the one here. this is a pretty exciting one, so don't go thinking you are missing out.

yes, that is indeed the great Jim Bowen. also yes, that is him stood before his most familiar background association, the Bullseye massive stage dartboard. no, that is not a usual angle or image of either.

the above image, and all that shall follow, are off of something called the Bullseye Interactive DVD Game, which i recently obtained. well, i suppose that last bit is fairly if not quite somewhat obvious, is it not. many of you will be concerned, interested or curious about the provenance of this procurement. for those that are, it was all of £1 in a charity shop.

quite right, you are, to ask or otherwise suggest that these "interactive DVD games" tend to be a bit wonky. whereas they are well intentioned, a home DVD player simply does not have the processing power of a computer, or one of them x game play box station things. usually this means that the games are not so much "interactive" as they are sluggish, with (for want of a better term) players engaging with them finding much of their interaction time is sat watching a frozen image as the player tries to find the right spot to play on the box.

something of a more pressing question in respect of this one is the sheer brazen moral ambiguity of it all. you do, in essence, not only "control" Jim Bowen in this; effectively by putting the disc on and embracing the interactive elements you are well and truly resurrecting him.

does this power, i both fear and wonder, make you some sort of quasi god, or some form of quasi frankenstein like character? perhaps i should not worry too much about such, instead simply be glad and merry that it is so.

a very big failing of these "interactive" games, the main reason why they get played once and then dumped on the likes of charity shops, is usually that they are complete rubbish. not so with this one. other than getting the presence of Jim Bowen, and the voice of Tony Green, in your home, the game section actually works quite well.

normally these games where you have to press a button to make an action happen are slow and sluggish, meaning that your fast response is irrelevant compared to the (complete lack of) processing power on the pc. think the old arcade game Dragon's Lair and you have the idea. with this, though, the two pronged approach to throwing a dart works rather well indeed.

plus, as mentioned before, you get Jim Bowen speaking to you. the power to have Jim speak to you when you want, and pretty much how you want so long as how you want is within the strict parameters of what is recorded, is surely worth £1 of anyone's money. my money going to some charity or other is just an added bonus. 

an important element of Bullseye was, of course, the questions posed to the contestants. was this in fact of more consequence than the darts element? perhaps. the questions posed by Jim Bowen, always all from his own vast wealth of knowledge, served to raise the intellectual levels of our country in a highly beneficial way. just think - if that chap what invented the internet and that didn't watch Bullseye, then he may have never had enough information to be able to build it, or shove the wires in the right places, or whatever.

the above does show off Jim's astonishing knowledge of European born motion picture stars who both lived in America and pursued political careers, yes, true. it does, however, also show off the dynamics of this video disc game. yes, it follows the format of Bullseye as close as possible, but for the sake of fairness you get four options for the questions asked. contestants on the real show, of course, had to rely purely on their knowledge alone to appease Jim and his thirst for information.

does above mean that the holy grail of reward, Bully's Prize Dart Board, features on this interactive game disc? why yes, of course it does. here you go, in one of them "animated GIF" things that you all like, especially (only) when in Commodore 64 mode, here's Jim introducing you to the challenge.

would it be best to describe the above as splendid stuff or sensational stuff? i am not sure, although it does not really matter for both are quite correct.

unfortunately it is kind of around this stage that the spell is broken, that reality sinks in and the limitations of "interactive" truly come to the fore. although you get to play Bully's Prize Board and aim for prizes, you do not of course get whatever prizes you win. or get the chance to gamble them in search of scoring 101 (or more) to win a speedboat, caravan or similar.

here, then, is where you are left alone, possibly lonely, and sad. if, at least, your imagination does not stretch to pretending that you have won and Jim has embraced you in celebration of your success. or if your budget does not stretch to actually buying whatever you win for yourself.

the presentation of Bully's Prize Dart Board and the prizes is at the least accurate. above is pictured Bully's star prize, a most magnificent 26 (or similar) inch television set, on which one may watch analogue broadcasts of Bullseye and other, lesser shows.

i do of course have to be careful with statements like the above. well, kind of. for some reason i have become known as what they call a "social media influencer", with me apparently wielding great power over opinions and actions. no, then, i am not directly saying that you should go and purchase a whole load of products that were reserved for the bourgeois and the elite back in the 80s in order to fully recreate the Bullseye experience. i am just highlighting how it may be done if so desired.

once again i suspect that i am guilty of taking and uploading far too many images of Bullseye in relation to the words i have to speak (write) around them.

would i recommend this Bullseye "interactive" DVD game to you, the readers? it is highly likely that by this stage you could have a guess at my answer. yes, should you wish to have your guess confirmed, or if you were not inclined to speculate. mindful of how you have to be quite careful of the tacit power it gives you to resurrect Jim Bowen.

how often am i likely to play this disc myself? not very. i had a go, won £270 cash, a set of golf clubs, some sort of sewing machine, a bike and a flash tele, and then in the 101 or more section i disappointingly won a car rather than a caravan or speedboat. as the law states that members of the public were only ever permitted to be on Bullseye once it would, in a sense, be wrong for me to go on the disc again. but then again, if i did have another go, maybe i might win the speedboat.

right, well, that's that for this post, and looking at the date, for May posts too. yes, more to come in June, probably, and if so certainly more super, smashing, great Bullseye stuff. if not next month then the month after.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fake DVLA text message

hello

just one of those "public service announcement", trying to help out the people posts, look you see. by no means would i call myself an expert in this sort of thing, but then again as quite a few always appear to get duped by scammers and fake messages i felt it best to share what i know.

in this instance, then, we have (presumably) criminals trying to catch motorists off guard. they are doing this by sending out a text message claiming they are due a refund of an overpayment by the DVLA, also known as the car and driving licence people.

let me take you through this step by step, so you can see how this is a fake and also how to spot them in the future. most importantly, though, please DO NOT follow any of the links you see in this post or call any numbers. right, here we go with the text message itself.

how do i know this is fake? in this instance it was fairly easy. for a start the DVLA would not have had the mobile number this was sent to. secondly, a few years ago i was, weirdly, due a refund from them. they send a cheque in the post and do not ask you to visit any website. other than that, there's the poor grammar at the start, and the poor "please follow at" wording.

number one for spotting these as fakes is the web address. every - EVERY - official government department website would have "gov" in the domain name (address) at some point. this one does not, and as enthusiastic tax collectors i can assure you the DVLA are very much a government department.

rather than try and explain it all in words again (i have done several posts on this), i have taken to that most beloved of software, MS Paint, to create the following.

hopefully that makes some kind of sense. for words to explain, the actual address you would be visiting then is uk-refund-ref27. we will get on to them in a bit more detail just now, but let's concentrate on the address we have. yes, indeed, there's the "dvla" in the web address, so it looks like it is real. everything which preceeds a "." before the domain "." (.com, .co.uk or what have you) is a "subdomain". you can create absolutely anything you like for that, it's not registered anywhere and certainly not under any control.

for fun, then, i decided to investigate the main domain here. who knows, after all, maybe they (the government) has (have?) elected to outsource all their web stuff, but neglected to inform anyone. if this was the case, surely those doing it would be transparent and accountable......

oh dear. this domain is less than one week old at time of writing. quite new, then. well, it does only take a few minutes to set up a basic, rudimentary website.

they do seem quite reluctant, whoever registered this domain name, to say who they are. i decided to dig a little deeper then, but i must add dig in perfectly legal, open to all who use the net databases in order to see who owned or at least registered this address.

i don't know about you, but i can never ever get bored of reading redacted for privacy again and again on a computer screen. how fortunate, then, that the people who own this faked DVLA website address have opted to hide every single detail of their registration behind that particular phrase.

there are, of course, all sorts of legitimate reasons as to why someone who retain privacy for their website registration. under no circumstances could i think of why the DVLA, or any legitimate government department, would do such a thing. that would probably be because they do not.

every website has to be stored, or if you will "hosted" somewhere. so, for the sake of a complete look at this, i decided - again using freely available services, indexes and what have you on the web - to have a look at who hosted this website.

just fancy that! it seems the hosting company is just as secretive as the people who have registered this domain that they are hosting a fake DVLA website on. and what a surprise (as in no it is not really a surprise) this hosting domain, looking at the registered on date, is also very new.

so who is the hosting company? as all website hosting companies are always on the lookout for new business, they would not hide their details, would they? sure, of course they would.

yes, you are reading the above correctly. the servers hosting the web domain that has a fake DVLA web page on it are hiding behind a company that masks such detail, based in Panama. not really the sort of behaviour one would expect of the decidedly Swansea based actual DVLA.

hopefully this has been of some help to some of you. as for striking back at these criminal types, don't worry so much. i know of a few people, such as Codename : Demonix and Codename : Atari, that spend their spare time causing as much frustration and problems for these criminals as possible.

as i write this just to help, and with no advertising or any other such "revenue streams", please feel free to share this with anyone you think might benefit from knowing a bit more.


with the exception of sh!tbag criminals that set up scams like this,


be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!