welll, yes, ok that is a slight exaggeration. it is simply not so that i drove for one thousand miles in a particularly bad vehicle. the total was somewhat less ("fewer") than that. nine hundred and thirty two miles, if my record keeping was accurate, look you see. even then it would have been about two hundred less ("fewer") only i noticed i had left my suitcase at home on one journey, about a hundred miles in. yes i certainly uttered a few "oh bother" terms as i went to fetch it.
so, for my sins (and it must be future and past) i had to drive something called a Peugeot Partner for a week or so. yes, i do travel a lot to get those miles in. my understanding is that the hire company were less than thrilled to learn i had taken it to that there London (innit) but they didn't say not to. for an overall view i cannot say it is the worst vehicle in the world, for i have not driven every other type. but i do believe it is the worst thing i have ever had to drive. scary thing is that it's brand new (only had just north of twenty miles on it when i took it on), so why they made something so appalling bad is a mystery.
here comes a review, then. be warned, as there is nothing good for me to say of this Peugeot Partner thing. well, except hopefully i shall never have to even see one ever again.
none of this is in any sensible or thought out order, alas, just the way in which the pictures loaded up for me to write around. and yes it did make me ill to have to take pictures of this thing, but i suppose worth the sacrifice if anyone is thinking of the folly of getting one.
above is an image of what greets you when you get in it. yes, the French flag on proud display. for quite some time. most "modern" vehicles with such displays instantly tell you useful stuff, like doors open, time, temperature, fuel level and what have you. no, this thing wishes to make sure you know full well you are in a Peugeot and that it is French. handy if you are inclined to forget either of those things and for some reason are keen to know.
that above is what they have in it instead of a steering wheel. a quick dictionary definition of wheel would be a circular object that revolves on an axle and is fixed below a vehicle or other object to enable it to move easily over the ground or a machine or structure having a wheel as its essential part. not some bizarre collapsed octagon monstrosity. my assumption is that the French makers thought they were being stylish here, making it all a bit Batman or, laughably, like an F1 car. really, really impractical to use, it is.
quite f*****g annoying too, thanks to them buttons. few (if any) have any clear marking what they are for. one tends to accidentally touch them as they use the whatever it is to steer. the most annoying is the speed limiter thing to the bottom left. it would be useful and help one avoid speeding, but the briefest touch of this button as you drive - and more often than not you fail to notice as it is silent - switches it off for you. just great, that.
really, really annoying is how low down the door handle is. what the f*** have they put it all the way down there for? it's awkward to use and is in such a position that your thigh or knee is constantly rubbing against the coarse, unpleasant plastic of it as you drive.
on the subject of unpleasant things as you drive the Peugeot Partner has the most insane (as in stupid) feature i have ever encountered. it took a while to work out what it was doing and for (fairly) obvious reasons i couldn't get a picture. the thing has some sort of function whereby if you are deemed to be straying out of a lane (according to the vehicle) it literally takes over and straightens you out, so to speak. yes i did have the indicator on to change lane but apparently that's not connected to the "super computer" in it. also, i was in London (innit). swerving out the way of cyclists and moped riders is quite the necessity. i tried my best to give them space but the Peugeot was having none of it and turned itself on a collision course with them.
provenance fans may well be pleased to know that yes, i think that was Paddington Square i was parked at. notice something about the view? indeed, they have shoved a huge massive black plastic (of course) block in the centre. f*** knows what it is for, but it really affects your vision whilst driving. as in i would have thought it illegal. when you are parked at traffic lights it perfectly obscures your view of the lights, so you have to wait for the car behind you to hoot at you to know it's green for go.
now then, how about some video? with a really annoying soundtrack? sure.
i will assume, or take it as a given that if you played the video you heard the exceptionally annoying "bip bop bip bop bip bop" sound the indicators make. this is louder than the maximum volume of the device it has in place instead of a stereo (more on that in a bit) and i will be f****d if i could find a way to switch it off. just why, France, why? the van makes no sound at all when you lock it or unlock it so you always check. yet when you indicate you get to hear that you are. makes as much sense as the bit where it reminds you of the maker of the car and their unforgettable nationality.
did anything decent actually ever come out of France? oddly yes. the list of such is - croissants, Napoleon, her out of Betty Blue, JJ Burnell out of The Stranglers, Marilyn Jess and Bridget Lahaie. some footballers too (although not as many as you may think) and quite a few rugby players. oh hang on, Monet too. i really do wonder why we bother having an organisation like the United Nations if they aren't going to stop the French polluting the world with their ideas on what vehicles should be like. it's not like they even drive on the proper side of the road, the contrarian tw@ts.
for me the worst crime is this ridiculous console instead of a proper, actual stereo. it's badly positioned and close to useless. very unresponsive and extremely difficult to navigate, which again is a factor that makes for very dangerous driving. no inputs on it except USB "C" ports, which means you cannot connect a proper music player to it. believe me, i tried. i experimented with a top grade discman (thank you Gill and Grant), a headphone jack to headphone jack and a headphone jack to USB "C" converter. no music came through.
eventually i had to settle for "streaming" that Spotify thing via my phone via the device. yes, all of this streaming business is remarkably convenient, but it completely drains the soul out of music. on a proper disc you hear the music as the artist intended, via "streaming" you hear the music how a work experience kid and a computer can make it work on it. playing Led Zeppelin through it felt like a sin, and i grimaced when i heard what it did to the boss New Sensation off of INXS.
perhaps i am really just overweight and out of date (spot the quote), but no, i insist on listening to music in the best way possible. that remains the compact disc, since you can't really put several thousand pounds worth of record player in a vehicle. again, streaming is convenient, but it's just not the quality or experience music should be. if you had the chance to go to Paris and see the Mona Lisa, would you instead opt to look at a recreation of it on MS Paint? sure it would be similar, but not the real thing.
the Peugeot Partner is ridiculously wide, yet the cabin (driving bit) is ludicrously narrow and cramped. easily the stupidest aspect of this, and i am not sure i have captured it in the picture, is the laughable way they have made it a "three seater". yeah, that middle seat is perfect for a midget, or someone with no legs, or at best someone who only has a left leg. where exactly would two regular legs go? across or over the left passenger or the driver?
just to make the experience of driving one of these things is a complete misery the fuel requirements are dire. either it's the single most fuel inefficient thing i have driven or they have a two litre drink bottle in place of a fuel tank. perfect if you really, really like petrol stations.
according to a quick (and basic) google search a Peugeot Partner will cost between £22,000 and £35,000 in real actual money. wow. no way. i had assumed they just gave them away for free, as that's about the most accurate value for money for it, in the hope that someone may say something nice about it. however much you hate yourself you cannot be so bad as to deserve being punished by driving one of these around. go look for basically any other vehicle.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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