lost art, or perhaps rather media (for art is by definition subjective, look you see), is certainly not a new phenomenon. ever since the first variations of "humans" expressed themselves in a variety of formats so it has been lost, destroyed or supressed, be it for good and bad reason. in this brave new world often called, correctly, the "information age" it seems unlikely that anything of this nature would ever be "lost" again, yet so it is that such happens.
defining "lost" is a requirement here. the most high profile "lost" art (or media) in the present day, which i would argue is the Beatles' Carnival Of Light song, is known to exist, with Sir Paul perpetually being thwarted in his efforts to get it released. on a similar note other "lost" music is likely right in front of us, and here i am thinking the near-mythical status afforded to Bowie's The Man Who Fell To Earth soundtrack, which was probably all just used for Low and "heroes".
of all the days of the year it is today that i can "reveal" some information on a supposed "lost" piece of media, being in the form of a song that few (if any) knew existed. the song in question is purported to be called Thirteen Bar Bexley Boogie, with a claim that it's a long lost and (as i have been requested to make clear) infamous number by Chas & Dave.
initially, which is to say on first learning about this, my thoughts were this probably wasn't a "lost" song at all. whenever they went into the studio Chas & Dave were, after all, prolific to a legendary level, with dozens of songs being crafted in every session. rather more likely, then, that this Thirteen Bar Bexley Boogie was just a remnant of such; a song they had gone done but either didn't feel was worth releasing or, as was the case with the Stones and some gems, they had simply forgotten about it. one only needs to consider the seemingly perpetual quest to correctly catalogue the tapes (actual) Prince left behind to understand this is a good deal more common than one may think.
no, however. a series of messages, prosaic to the point of being sketchy, assured me that something very different was behind the why and the how it was so the world had never heard Thirteen Bar Bexley Boogie off of Chas & Dave. pressing for clarification (and more information) in this was a frustrating thing, with various ad hoc responses being ever more sketchy and prosaic.
eventually - and i am prepared to admit i was close to the point of using certain profanities to the person messaging - there came an offer to meet and discuss it all further. despite, i confess, a level of disinterest in it all (i mean yes, i like Chas & Dave, but not obsessively so) i agreed to go and meet someone i was told was a "representative" of a concern called BFBA&R. an address was provided.
having checked on the address given i was quite surprised to find that what i had assumed to be the offices of BFBA&R (which, admittedly, is a pretty good bit of branding) was rather close to Peckham Library. quite a legendary site, offering next to no parking and thus generating millions in parking fines each week, which would appear to be the main economic activity in that there London (innit) these days.
on arrival it became clear fairy (or reasonably) quickly that Peckham Library was the place this in part reluctant meeting (of sorts) was going to be held. a vaguely familiar figure was lurking about outside. when they saw me they made all sorts of supposedly discreet yet overt "psst" noises and gestures, beckoning me over. taking as a given that "artists and repertoire" (or whatever the correct words are) was the last bit of the name, it soon became clear what BFB was for. yet again i found myself in the presence of the somewhat notorious Bertrand "Bertie" Fettlebottom.
for those of you not all that familiar with this character, well, let me provide a brief background. with some links for those all really interested. other than being a "person of interest" in several instances of fly tipping and impersonating a resident of Silton, Fettlebottom has some questions to answer concerning the rise of gang culture in America, an attempted insurgence in Portsmouth and a bizarre attempt to sell a Spalding body of water to the United States. one cannot but help wonder why, exactly, he can't just settle for a normal, quiet life.
we took seats in what passes for a secluded area of Peckham Library, mostly surrounded by people more bothered about how they were going to afford the parking fine they had obtained by being there than they were anything to do with Chas & Dave. still, Fettlebottom insisted on going all "hush hush" as and when someone was in earshot. curiosity got the better of me, so yes i did indeed ask why (exactly) we were meeting in Peckham Library. the frank, if not blunt, answer was that there had been something of a misunderstanding about his use of the wifi at Southwark Heritage Centre to visit what he described as being "perfectly legitimate" websites of a niche nature.
moving on, and since i was there, i asked for more information about the supposedly "lost" recording of the song Thirteen Bar Bexley Boogie he had (somehow) procured. not lost, he said, but buried in an effort to supress it. all of this sounded most peculiar, for one could would not readily associate Chas & Dave as ever doing something all that controversial, depending on your stance on snooker.
before any further (vague, and undoubtedly distressing) conversation could take place Fettlebottom rummaged around in his spacious tracksuit pants. ones that appeared to be secured by some old rope. just as i was on the verge of asking if he wouldn't care to do whatever he was doing rather more privately he produced a rudimentary "walkman" style cassette player. he made a "sssssh" motion despite my overt silence and pressed play.
it was only to be a few seconds of the tape played before an employee of the library came over and remonstrated with Fettlebottom, advising him to turn it off at once or face being barred from the premises once (or yet) again. he made some part apologetic, part "whatever" gesture to the employee and turned the cassette player off. of what i heard it was (most decidedly) so that whilst a distinct boogie existed, it didn't strike me as being either "thirteen bar" or particularly "Bexley".
not being too interested in how he reacted meant i had no hesitation in asking why, exactly, he had played me some of the song Turn That Noise Down rather than the supposed "lost" Chas & Dave song he claimed to be custodian of. this appeared to throw Fettlebottom somewhat, going on the largely silent and partially stunned moments which followed. eventually he muttered something or other about how it should be "obvious" that he wasn't going to go wandering around with such a valuable tape, and the point (if not purpose) of playing what he did was to prove that he was "serious about Chas & Dave".
remaining steadfast and resolutely not interested i asked, for the sake of something to write here (if nothing else), for more details about the lost or quasi "banned" Thirteen Bar Bexley Boogie. unfortunately this appeared to wake him up, invigorating him some. and so i felt obliged to listen to what he had to say.
long had been the dream, apparently, of the people of Bexley to be deemed, classified or declared as being a "Royal Borough". usually (normally) such a title is only awarded for a significant connection to the monarchy, be it that a coronation took place there or someone in the line of succession had been born there. as it was unlikely either of those would happen in a legitimately recognised way, stated Fettlebottom, there was an idea of swaying public opinion to force the issue.
with not much else better to do, and figuring i might as well get value for money for the inevitable parking ticket waiting, i asked how, exactly, a song by Chas & Dave might help that. he looked at me like i was a moron (which is not entirely unfounded), expressing some disbelief that i even had to enquire of such a thing. according to Fettlebottom one had to remember that for some considerable time, roughly stretching from their celebrated Christmas Cockney Knees Up 1981 special to the release of the era defining Snooker Loopy single, Chas & Dave had the public "in the palms of their hands", or whatever the expression is. the thinking was that with Chas & Dave celebrating the place the then reigning monarch, HMQE2 (except Scotland) would have no choice but to award Bexley their long desired Royal Borough status.
many questions came to mind about this, most notably ones of why (exactly) Chas & Dave would have the slightest interest in this, and just who "prevented" the song from being released. unfortunately they had to go more unasked rather than unanswered, as once more the same employee from earlier approached us. it seems they had been on the phone to their colleagues at Southwark, on their advice had checked the "internet logs" (their words) and told Fettlebottom he could either leave immediately and pledge never to return or otherwise the police would be contacted. not too much thought went into his decision to gather up his cassette player and leave.
i don't rightly know if Thirteen Bar Bexley Boogie off of Chas & Dave counts or qualifies as a work of lost art. this, mostly, is down to the lack of evidence it even exists. a rudimentary search for information which might link them to the place comes up blank, as does any suggestion of them caring whether one particular Borough was "Royal" or not. still, it's nice to think that out there somewhere is a recording of the two of them for future generations to discover.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
