one of the more frequent conversations i have, within my social circle rather than with myself, tends to commence with a contemporary asking of me "girlfriend, howdya git yo goddamn muthaf*****' hair to be so goddamn muthaf*****' fizz free, ya ho b!tch". yes, they do, look you see, tend to say this with something of a Wisconin drawl, or perhaps a New Orleans twang. this is despite the commonly accepted fact that, allowing for one or two lower class peasants, my social circle tends to be made up of affluent, middle class types from the posher provinces of our land. regrettably, the apparently irresistible urge to usher in the unsolicited Americanisation of our culture would appear to show no signs of abating.
in truth i am not particularly aware of my hair being either frizzy or frizz free. for the most part it just remains as is, really. certainly from time to time i would apply some rudimentary gel, if i were of a mind to somehow style it, but mostly i leave it just as it dries once i have engaged in a shower adventure of a morning.
there would appear to be a degree of pressure on me, then. but let it not be said that this comes from my contemporaries alone. far from it. over the last few weeks - months, perhaps - i have noted, and observed, strenuous efforts to campaign against whatever merits or attraction "frizzy" hair might have by the hair care product industry and their rather machiavellian marketing machine.
above are not one, not three but two "squirty bottle" vessels which contain a shampoo that pledges to ensure i remain free, or rid, of "frizzy hair". strangely i do actually happen to have three such tubes of it, but i thought it would be incredibly bourgeois (not to mention indulgent) for me to show off all the vast wealth i have in regards of this. provenance of this shampoo, a shampoo which promises much? i got it off of Poundland for the obligatory £1 a tube, so i am committed to the tune of £3.
my not unreasonable assumption (expectation) is that this shampoo shall ensure my hair remains as frizz free as those who elect to be part of my social circle apparently believe it to be. whereas i am as prone to acts of vanity as any of us, the truth is i really do not care what level of frizz my hair has. but, if it is a matter that is of importance to those who are important to me, then i do feel as though i have a duty to respect this.
do you know who has perfect hair? Spiros. a surprisingly significant percentage of the non-uniformed gentlemen he meets in public lavatories (or similar) with which he forms short term yet mutually beneficial friendships tend to turn out to be hairdressers, or otherwise employed in the salon industry. i have little doubt that they provide him with some outstanding tips.
that above is indeed an official portrait of Spiros, although at this stage it is not the official portrait. it is one which he has had specially commissioned as part of his generous offering of peace and a cessation of hostilities to the london black cab driver fraternity.
as regular readers are aware, some four or five years ago a london black cab driver cheeked Spiros. he has made it his mission to make them all pay for this outrage, with many being reduced to quivering wrecked tears when faced with his retribution. he is prepared to show mercy, so long as all london black cab drivers display this portrait in their hackney carriages. the portrait must be in a respectful frame, and has to be one regulation size larger that the obligatory portrait of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II they have on display. should the portrait of The Queen be a 6 x 4, for instance, then the one of Spiros must be a minimum of a 7 x 5.
further, all london black cab drivers must pay Spiros a nominal (i would say generous) £5 per year royalty fee in respect of being allowed to use his likeness. should all of the cabbies agree, then Spiros shall show mercy on these fragile drivers, and leave them in peace. well, so long as routine audit reports (to be paid for by the cabbies) reflect that the portrait is being displayed correctly.
but, back to the shampoo, and the promise of frizz free hair. a pertinent, indeed perfectly reasonable, question would be as to just how this shampoo works the magic of making one have frizz free hair. apparently the natural inclination of the hair to spontaneously frizz is tamed by a dynamic blend of blueberries and the extract of a kale leaf, whatever that is. these are not just any blueberries or kale leaf extracts, of course. no. they are Californian, which means they are off of California. the American one, presumably, unless there is another place with the same name somewhere else.
just how is it that someone somewhere clocks or works out apparently (seemingly) random objects work wonders in areas that they are not naturally associated with? i mean, is it that them clever science types in labs, with their degrees and what have you, simply do random things like shove blueberries in their hair and measure the results? one presumes they have to do something to fill their time, now that the conventions of society forbid them from making monkeys smoke and prevent them from shoving soap in the eyes of rabbits.
perhaps it all came about by accident, i suppose. if nothing else California is celebrated (and envied) for his hedonistic, wild and comparatively easily accessible sexual freedom. maybe someone was just doing something really excellent, sexually, got carried away, started smearing themselves with blueberries and kale leaf extracts and later on noticed how remarkably less frizzy their hair was as they all mopped up.
no, i have no real use for any sort of official portrait, so i do not have one. for the sake of balance, or completeness, however, above is indeed a picture of me, in Commodore 64 mode. this is a relatively recent one, and does indeed show me just a few hours after using some of this frizz banishing shampoo. please, by all means, judge for yourself exactly how effective it is on the basis of this image. not that it matters much, i suppose, as for the next two weeks or so i shall be wearing my rather dapper, and quite fetching, easter bonnet. this is indeed as usual.
what i find most remarkable about this shampoo is how come it is even profitable to make. let us break this down. some company selects blueberries and kale leaf extracts in California, blends it into a shampoo, bottles and packages it, ships it from the USA to either the place of manufacture or straight to the UK for sale, and Poundland sell it for £1 a bottle? how is it that all are making enough profit off this to make it viable?
for a sense of perspective on how outlandish this is, i have just checked. if i wanted to send the simplest, most basic thing possible to the USA - a postcard, it would cost me a staggering £1.25 to send it airmail (delivery approx 7 days after posting) or a shuddering £1.10 to send it "surface" (ie by sea) mail (delivery approx 42 days after posting). how come they can make this shampoo and send it here for sale at a price lower than it would cost me to send them a polite note thanking them for their most excellent product?
it is not just the blueberry and kale leaf farmers (or whatever) of California who are valiantly fighting the war against frizzy hair. pictured above is some fancy new product, which has an expensive marketing campaign to ram it down the throats of all and sundry. this is some sort of "spray" that promises to rid you of frizz in your hair. it bloody well wants to, at £5 for a 50ml bottle, and even then that is it on a "special reduced price". normally the cost of it is north of £6. i would reasonably expect to have shampoo for one half of one year for that kind of money.
one really must wonder if all this trouble and effort is truly worth it. whereas i respect that some people will undoubtedly feel their life is better in direct relation to how little frizz their hair has, for the most part surely this doesn't make all that much of a difference. if my frizz they mean all sticking out and that, then i would have thought some gel or hairspray would have provided remedy long before people started shoving berry fruits in their hair to see if that sorted it out.
well, anyway, there you have my thoughts on the matter, and my current "state of play" in respect of frizzy hair. it would be quite a surprise, to me, if i ever visited this subject again in a future post, but you never know.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment