once again blessings were bestowed upon me, look you see. why? for, as the title less so implies and directly states, i have had the distinction, the honour, the privilege and the pleasure of being permitted to hand over further of my (reasonably) hard earned coins of money to Fortnum & Mason in exchange for some of their most splendid provisions.
we, which is to say my family and i rather than the royal "we" (unless i have in fact used it in such a way), recently visited London once more. indeed, there will be several posts about our exploits and adventures, with many featuring images of the 75% of my family whom most of you like, indeed appreciate, a good deal more than you do me. and wisely so. but, for now, the focus is on one of my most favourite things in the world, which of course is Fortnum & Mason.
should for some reason you wish to do so, you may read of my previous (as opposed to future) excursions to Fortnum & Mason on this blog. here is the link to my 2015 adventure there, and also it may please you to read of my 2016 travel to the palace of precise pleasure. but, if you live for the moment, well then just read on here.
yes, indeed, that is one of the many (well, couple) of items which Fortnum & Mason agreed to allow me to purchase from their principal, most prestigious store. there shall be more details and images on this particular item later, along with a most wonderful - if brief - motion picture of it in, as it were, action.
for now, though, let us proceed to tales of this trip. do be warned, or indeed teased, that a number of the images below - in particular the first - do feature me, or if you like moi, in them. whilst i appreciate that a significant element reading this actually care not for me and would prefer not to have visuals to affirm this, surely it is so that one or two of you don't mind me so much, and find a relatively recent image of me most agreeable.
this is me (obviously) outside a Fortnum & Mason premises, but not the Fortnum & Mason premises. no. instead this is a rather rudimentary, serves its purpose chapter, located at St Pancras railway station. this is located, rather conveniently, across the road from Kings Cross station, and i am reliably led to believe that some of that "Euro Star" business, which is to say trains from Continental Europe, pull into St Pancras itself. as the overwhelming majority of visitors to London, be it from the UK or the different corners of Europe, have come for the express purpose of shopping at Fortnum & Mason, it is most considerate of them to have provided the means to do such as soon as possible. quite often i have given consideration to taking a train to Kings Cross, hopping over the road to St Pancras to purchase agreeable provisions, then taking a train straight back home.
indeed, this very image was taken in a scenario not too far removed from that latter concept. we had crossed over to St Pancras in order to sort out some funds on our "London Visitor" oyster cards. my (considerably) better half had reasonably expected to make that my priority and to do it as soon as possible, which i assured her that i did. there seemed no reason at all to trouble her with the details of the briefest of detours i took on the way to doing that.
no, there is no mistake, folly or error in the "established" date for Fortnum & Mason. it is true that they have existed and traded since the year 1707. this of course means that Fortnum & Mason is older than many countries (in the form that we know them) in the world today, some of them quite prominent. you may wish to check the history of your own country to verify where you presently stand on this timescale.
yes, another picture of me. this is just in the lobby of Fortnum & Mason "proper", as in their beautiful, perfect, wonderful, without equal, peerless Piccadilly premises. oh, were fate set to slay me after setting foot within such wonders, then to my grave i go with no complaint or disdain, having lived life in full.
indeed, the entirety of my immediate family did come along with me to Fortnum & Mason. well, of a fashion. my (considerably) better half and William elected to remain outside. this was prudent, as William was feasting upon a waffle he had me procure for him at Hamleys. James, however, was most curious as to what it was that his dad was all excited about, so came in with me
alas, James refused to let me take some pictures of him. no surprise, really, as he is of teenage years, and every now and then his chums at school find images of him online and he would prefer that they did not. be that as it may, he did not express any form of boredom and disappointment with what Fortnum & Mason had to offer. if i did not know better, recalling my own teenage years, i would speculate that he was almost mildly impressed with the momentary and rare good taste his father appeared to be infrequently accidentally capable of.
the above is a selection of notebooks and journals which Fortnum & Mason offered. indeed, yes, i was quite tempted to purchase one of the items featured above, and of course i refer to the "wine notes" booklet, conveniently suit breast pocket sized, so one may make annotations and observations "live" whilst taking speculative sips of wine at an Embassy or similar.
unfortunately, none of the stationery sold by Fortnum & Mason feature the beloved and treasured name of Fortnum & Mason on them. rather than produce such items directly, they procure the finest in the world and make them available to their patrons, or otherwise prescribe the production of them to the most trusted of craftsmen. this is why i do not own any Fortnum & Mason stationery; to wit, to the letter it is so that no such thing strictly exists.
no, in answer to your unspoken question. as much as i dream of it, as much as i crave to do so, it just simply was not possible for me to avail myself of the luxuriant dining facilities presented by Fortnum & Mason. for a start, or to begin with, i do not own a Savile Row tailored suit, so i would be refused seating. even if i did, and trust me my budget does not allow for such, i fear i would still not take tea and seed cake at Fortnum & Mason. knowing myself reasonably well, i know that i would disgrace myself, being all excited and turning into a clumsy fool bringing shame on both my house and the honourable institution which is Fortnum & Mason.
the above is the penultimate, or if you will last but one, image of me, you may be either pleased, disappointed or entirely indifferent to learn. once again, i am stood within a foyer, before a most magnificent staircase, resplendent with the single most luxuriant carpet to exist in the world. as in, Her Majesty The Queen does not attend Fortnum & Mason in person, for it distresses her that her carpets are not quite so splendid.
should value be your thing, one could say that the carpets within Fortnum & Mason are more expensive than any carpet anyone else has and be truthful. they would not, however, tell the full and complete story. in essence, or to be comprehensive, the value of the carpets within Fortnum & Mason exceeds that of the vast majority of the entire properties which are owned by patrons.
indeed, James did take quite a shine to some of the provisions and wares offered for consideration by Fortnum & Mason. to this end, he tried on one or two of the hats which they have available for select members of the gentry. he politely asked if he may purchase one of them, and was quite understanding when i said that no, he could not, for his father has in this sense failed him, not having several thousand pounds freely available to purchase one of them.
a final image of me from within Fortnum & Mason, then, indeed, i am intrigued by the shoeshine service. one has to wonder at exactly who (whom?) would dare to transgress the property with nothing but the cleanest and most cared for shoes upon their feet?
in retrospect, yes, i confess i should have gone along to the section demarcated as being for gentleman's accessories. speculative of me, perhaps, but i dare say that this is indeed a euphemism, and now i do wonder as to which form of something for the weekend, sir type of prophylactic Fortnum & Mason strongly encourage their more raunchy if not randy patrons to avail themselves of.
on, then, to the items and provisions which i was permitted to purchase at Fortnum & Mason on this visit. my expenditure was "in the vicinity" of fifty pounds of real money, but honestly, who is counting when you are faced with quality.
let us commence, then, as promised (partially) with the item that featured in the first image of this post. but first you must be honest. if you looked at either (or both) of these images and said "that is a biscuit tin", oh dear. you must make amends for the slur. please either hand yourself into the nearest police station and confess your crime, or if you are too embarrassed to do so find a suitable stick and beat yourself with it, in a most beastly way.
this is, of course, not a "biscuit tin". such an item is one you would purchase from a regular, meant for commoners "grocery store". what this is, but of course, is the Fortnum & Mason Magnificent Merry-Go-Round Biscuit Selection. please ensure that you refer to it correctly. there is little point in elegance, class, sophistication and the presentation of the finest of the very best if it is not going to be correctly respected.
now, you are cordially invited to watch this brief, informative and rather enjoyable motion picture, produced by myself, of the Fortnum & Mason Magnificent Merry-Go-Round Biscuit Selection in, so to speak, action.
yes, i know. you are left rather speechless by it, are you not? quite the mechanical wonder, it most surely is, to be certain.
i am quite aware of the fact that i am very lucky to have been permitted to purchase this item. under no reasonable measure am i worthy of such, so it was most kind of Fortnum & Mason to be considerate in agreeing to the sale.
what does one acquire when they are permitted to purchase the Fortnum & Mason Magnificent Merry-Go-Round Biscuit Selection? if you are posing such a question then i must confess i am not entirely certain as to which part of the name of this splendid product is misleading, but here you go, the below image is the answer you seek.
one who is allowed to purchase the Fortnum & Mason Magnificent Merry-Go-Round Biscuit Selection shall find a most splendid biscuit selection within the casing. the finest, most opulent, luxurious and delightful biscuits that they shall ever taste. and also the single most expensive ones, too, but money is of an irrelevance to attaining the finest quality possible.
purchasing biscuits alone would, but of course, be a most foul folly. biscuits should always be served in association with that finest of beverages possible, tea. and no one, but absolutely no one, makes tea as fine as one finds in Fortnum & Mason. well, ok, yes, obviously on several (all) levels Yorkshire Tea is superior, but for the purposes of this post let us not quibble.
previously i have, but of course, quenched or otherwise slated my thirst with the fine teas most agreeably sold by Fortnum & Mason. all are most enjoyable, except perhaps for the Earl Grey variations. whilst i do not particularly care for the taste of this most noble style, i am rather less prepared than i am more readily willing to accept that i am not of the higher, superior social class that this tea is intended for, and thus the fault is all with me.
yes, indeed, for the record it is so that Fortnum & Mason do carry other types of tea beyond the set which i seem to keep purchasing. as point of fact, so far as i am aware and to the very best of my knowledge they offer, for consideration, all forms of tea known to exist. brief consideration was given to trying another type, but ultimately i feared that doing so would be to commit a grave social faux pas; one for which it would be unlikely i could ever attain redemption for.
as of the time of writing, of this current (or present) set i have taken of the royal blend and the breakfast blend. both proved to be of the finest, most splendid of experiences.
just take a moment to cast your eyes (or eye if you have but one) (but in fairness i am speaking to you all, so the plural is correct) over the magnificent, splendid way in which glass vessel based provisions are elegantly wrapped by those members of staff who passed the trials and were permitted to work for Fortnum & Mason. no, there is no "shove it in some newspaper and hope for the best" approach to securing glass materials for transportation here.
verily, it surely did cause me a great deal of consternation and distress to remove this outstanding, unique blend of tissue and crepe paper. but remove - carefully, respectfully and of course whilst of gloved hands - i did, so that i may enjoy the splendid treasures which were encased within.
after careful consideration of the many fine and splendid items available to patrons, i selected two which had previously brought me considerable pleasure. whereas, like certain types of tea offered by Fortnum & Mason, both this strawberry preserve and in particular Sir Nigel's vintage thick cut orange marmalade are intended for members of the aristocracy and nobility far superior to me, i have a stern and steadfast appreciation of both.
for the most part i would imagine, perhaps presume, that you are able to read the details of each of these fine items from the image i have provided. to go further, i boldly speculate that if you are of an educational level which permits you to use the internet to view this then you have no need for me to inform, educate or otherwise instruct you on what precisely strawberry preserve (jam) is.
Sir Nigel's marmalade is, of course, a wonder. beyond having a most splendid taste, the origins and history of it are formidable elements. the tale is that Sir Nigel, an actor of great repute, grew weary and tired of the "trendy" forms of marmalade Fortnum & Mason offered in his era, and directly instructed them to produce it in a way which he preferred. under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever would i dare to advise Fortnum & Mason that they were doing something, well, if not incorrectly then not with the absolute perfection with which they could.
and so finally it was the case that i required a suitable item of convenience and practicality by which i may have transported those items which Fortnum & Mason were so kind, generous and obliging to facilitate my purchase. so as to do my part in preserving the planet so the generations which are yet to come may present themselves to Fortnum & Mason in the earnest hope of being permitted to purchase key, requisite provisions, i elected to avoid the on the whole rather common forms of "plastic" bags. instead, i obtained this rather fetching sack like one, resplendent with the initials of this most cherished institution and featuring a handle coloured in the unique shade associated with the premises.
one of the many pleasures - and there are several - this bag offers is that it may be reused. it is so that anyone using this at any store beyond the grounds of Fortnum & Mason commits a crime of impropriety, true, but i have elected to be as bold as brazen. so far i have taken this bag on a fairly mundane and quite routine trip to Poundland. whereas it was far more of a functional trip than an act of pleasure, nonetheless i brought a touch of sophistication and class to the experience by prominently displaying this fine item as i strolled the aisles.
will it ever be that i am honoured and privileged enough to be permitted to visit the premises of Fortnum & Mason again? i would certainly hope so. one never knows, however. in respect of practical considerations, i am writing this some fifteen to twenty days prior to it being published, or "made live", here. it could be that i am struck down or deceased before anyone has even read this. the same is of course true for anyone reading it after the date of publication, with this being all the more true for those of you reading it many years from now. but one must not relinquish hope, and the hope which i hold to is that yes, i may well visit once more.
do, i beseech you, be courteous, respectful and generously decent to each and every one you encounter.
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