every two years or so i am compelled (if not obliged) to contact the constabulary. by that i of course mean the police, look you see. well, it is the police i call, and then someone called the "independent office for police conduct" (or similar). my call to the police is, of course, for the rather (or relatively straightforward) matter of having the current England Test squad arrested for treason, based on their (inevitable) abject performance in The Ashes. the call to the "IOPC" (or whatever) is to establish why, exactly, the police are not arresting them because of the obvious act of treason of their own accord. both instances inevitably, and incorrectly, lead to me being accused of wasting police time and the suggestion that i should perhaps review my sense of perspective on such matters.
should you be (for some reason) interested in my plight with respect to this, here is a link to a post in which i outlined the definition of treason. it makes it quite clear that the England Test squad are guilty of this, or at the least need to be investigated for it. quite an indictment on the sorry state of our once proud nation that we now dismiss acts of treason as "trivial".
nonetheless (or regardless, whichever sounds posher), i have heeded some of the feedback (and police caution) from previous instances. it is of course that we, England, have once again surrendered The Ashes, but in this instance all the more humiliatingly so, with the First Test taking all of two (2) days to complete. initially my view was that the whole f*****g lot of them wanted locking up, but i have agreed to modify this.
yes, i do (indeed) appreciate that two (2) Tests of The Ashes remain, with the first of the remainder starting as and when this appears online. quite irrelevant, though, since the series is lost. i shall not be at all surprised if it finished 5-0, just as the legendary Glenn McGrath has predicted. certainly he predicts that scoreline for every Ashes series, but there is no faulting his "why would you ever back your own side to do anything but win" logic.
here, then, for anyone interested (which won't be many), is what i expect to happen in terms of the consequences for the dismal failure of the squad. these have been discussed and debated with some people, as i shall comment as we go.
firstly, and prior to them returning home in disgrace, the entire squad shall be sentenced to a work in a specially re-opened penal colony quarry for a period of four (4) days. my recommendation is that Port Arthur is used for this as that had the reputation for being the most harsh and brutal.
limiting this to just four days is, i feel, generous and a tremendous act of leniency. it is of course a very specific amount of time. as in the squad managed to "lose" The Ashes in 11 of the 15 days of play. my view is that being chained up smashing rocks with hammers for four days is quite fair since the squad declined to use those four days to play cricket.
a number of people have suggested that i cannot demand "each and every one of them" be arrested for treason. this is on the basis that some of them "tried". well, they didn't try hard enough, did they? don't come at me with the "just one player can't make a difference alone" line either - i refer you to Botham's Ashes, 1981. or, arguably, any Ashes series in which Shane Warne played. except 2005.
still, i don't want to seem unreasonable, and so in recognition of his scoring a century - something that the Australians vowed to prevent him from doing - Joe Root is to be appointed, anointed or whatever it is you do as the new Duke of York.
my eldest (known) son queried this decision, citing that the name and reputation of the most recent holder of this title isn't all that great. i pointed out that just because (at least) one holder of an important office was bad does not dictate that all are. this i illustrated with numerous examples of absolutely p!ss poor representatives appointed as Prime Minister, President, Mayor of London and England Cricket Captain, countered with good, decent people previously having the role. he agreed.
it was around this point of my outlining what should happen to the (traitorous) England squad that Dad suggested "surely" Ben Stokes should be excluded from punishment. really? no. one would reasonably have assumed he would have resigned in shame at losing a Test in two (2) days, or failing that be fired in disgrace. such is the depth to where standards have slipped.
to maintain the idea of being "reasonable", it is so that i have determined that Jofra Archer should be instated as eighth (8th) in the line of succession to the throne. for clarity this would be to replace the present incumbent person in that position, rather than to (further) demote them.
granted, this is purely symbolic, as there would be little chance of him ever actually being king, bar a rather bewildering sequence of events. but, to be fair, his efforts in The Ashes were mostly "symbolic", with any value (i am reluctant to outright say positives) his performance showed making little difference.
what about the rest (remainder) of the squad? yes, of course i fully expect them to be arrested for treason. it has, however, been pointed out to me that assuming they would immediately be found guilty and subsequently sentenced is a little harsh. also it goes against my own ethos (or whatever) and indeed the spirit of fairness. so they can all go on trial.
not just a regular trial, of course. so as to ensure they are treated fairly, with any (quite frankly likely to be preposterous) claims of not being guilty of treason get considered correctly, a special court shall be convened. a court that i have a hard time believing does not already exist for heinous, evil crimes against cricket, to be honest. four (4) judges shall be appointed to hear the case, and these judges shall be Sir Geoffrey Boycott, Sir Ian Botham, Sir Steve Waugh and Sir Ricky Ponting. if it is that the last two there are not actually knights of the realm, well, they should be.
obviously it is so that these 4 (four) are players i would without question trust to fairly and reasonably assess the "defence" which the squad shall (laughably) put forward and judge accordingly. they are players associated with both excellence and appreciating the importance of The Ashes. indeed they would appear to be two (2) qualities this Ashes squad fall somewhat short on.
right, there you go. it was suggested to me that i should be more reasonable, or grounded, in my views on failure in The Ashes and i have been so. highly unlikely that the consequences i have put forward will be accepted or acted on, but it would be nice if they were at least considered.
be fair dinkum to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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