bus books time

hi there


well, i have a suspicious tummy and a severe (is there any other kind) bout of man flu, so i am not at all sure i should be getting up to any sort of internet dickery right now. let me start this, at the least, and see if it makes me feel better. if not, i suppose i can do that whole save as draft thing and do it another day.

i have, as of yesterday as point of fact, completed another three novels on the bus - reading three, not writing - and so it is time for some further class review action for you. i still have no idea at all if anyone has a use for these reviews, but no matter, thanks for reading for whatever reason you do.

want a quick gander at the titles i have read in the last couple of weeks? with them once again on a background of Star Wars bedding? sure, why not.

we do have other bedding i assure you; it's just that this seems to be on as and when i have finished off three novels, go figure.

a short and fast review of these novels, if that is all you want, would be that (in order) the first two are OK but nothing special, and the last one should be avoided unless you have a most ardent and unusual wish to really, really punish yourself in the most terrible terms possible.

for those of you wishing a more detailed look, well then here you go, read on.

if you are looking at the cover of Give Us This Day by Jonathan Tulloch and thinking that does not seem like the sort of thing that i would usually read on the bus, or anywhere, you would be right. however, it was a gift off of a dear friend that is a huge advocate of my bus reading adventures. if they felt i should be reading it then i felt like i should.

it's one of them "serious" novels, and it's one that happens to be set in and around that place on earth that i call home. well, close enough. it's all very much of that symbolic, sparse nature that one associates with "serious" novels, the kind of thing that wins one all sorts of praise and awards if they present it in a certain tone, as is the case here, but makes you dizzy and confused if you present it in a different tone, as is the case and we shall very much see just now, or a little bit later on, when we get to the monstrosity of a "novel" that is/was Blitz.

basically, this novel is a Sixth Former's dream. a Priest doubting his faith, a Priest caught in a sexual situation of the homo kind, a Priest in jail for molestation, a Nun refusing treatment for cancer, a salty sea dog who may or may not be a criminal, illegal immigrant workers with broken English, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a prostitute with a mouth of filth, a silent tramp that turns out to be a great artist. yep, all here.

it has been a while since i did all that "serious literature" study and analysis, and i will confess to being somewhat rusty with it all. basically, you would read this to do some very easy A Level or 1st year University essays, as it allows you to show off examples of how the author "evokes" this that and the other with scenery, descriptions and all that. this action is symbolic of that, that gesture is symbolic of this, death and illness comes to represent unrequited or impossible expressions of love; all that sort of thing.

someone somewhere would read this for a level of enjoyment and pleasure, most likely those that really, really like them fancy, la-de-dah soppy knob, mother my dog type of serious (i.e. dull) drama things BBC 2 or Channel 4 does once in a while, usually as a brazen and very, very welcome excuse to show off some class rudey nudey action and get away with it as it is all "artistic". i think it might be somewhat obvious, dear reader, at this stage that i did not enjoy it as such, but i certainly very much appreciated the written style, and one or two moments in it were of interest. a big thumbs up, and there should be a spoiler warning i suppose, for sort of throwing a quasi-cliffhanger, murder/mystery thing into the mix with about five pages to go, by the way.

if you are aware of some poncy, prattling person who bangs on about the importance and grandeur of serious literature, this is a spot on gift to throw at them. which kind of makes me wonder about the statement being made about me by the giver of the gift, but no matter.

i had valid reason to take a random "outside" picture today, so i might as well just throw it in here now for your viewing interest.

is the above art? well, that's up to you, really. i did really just need to get my hands on a sort of "landscape" picture at verk earlier today, and this did the job. no hidden message or statement being made at all; this was simply as far as i could be bothered to walk to take one.

onwards, then, to the world of Bond, James Bond.

this was another gift, this time in the form of a Father's Day present. one that i selected, but obviously did not know about until Father's Day rolled around.

i seem to recall a degree of fuss was made around the launch of this Solo novel,  with there being some sort of merriment, song and dance about how it was an "officially commissioned" novel, and was to "stay true" to the vision the original author, Ian something, had for the character of Bond.

this is good, yet this is bad. this will upset some of you, perhaps, but there is a very harsh truth in this world (in my opinion, etc) and that would be that the Fleming novels were entertaining, but they were also very flimsy and not really very good books at all. to this extent, this William Boyd chap has got the spirit of the original novels spot on. then. so that's good and bad - good if you for some reason really loved the original novels, bad if like me you are astonished at the longevity and entertainment of the films in the face of the basis of them.

and yet i seek not to slay or write off the novel, for i thoroughly enjoyed reading the adventure. but there's no hiding the fact that it is all very flimsy and threadbare - details kept to a minimum, scant detail ever given, convenient plot devices conjured up to resolve matters in moments, that sort of thing. the stuff that gets very low grade Dan Brown rip-offs such terrible reviews is, for some reason, supposed to be celebrated and appreciated here.

i read this in the course of two and a half days of bus travels, which amounts to, what, somewhere under three hours of sit down travel. that flimsy, then. and yet, if the price is right, i would not hesitate to recommend it. it is, after all, still a Bond adventure, and a really good one, it featuring made up African countries, sex, oil, disfigured villains, sex, cheeky one liners and, of course, sex.

before we move on to what is quite possibly the worst novel to exist in the modern world - the kind of book that you wouldn't have minded if it was lost from history in the destruction of the library of Alexandria - i am sure i mentioned somewhere this week that last weekend i invested in some new threads. if i did not, well, last weekend i invested in some new threads.

here's a look at some of them, two if you insist on accuracy, chosen to show off here as i shall be wearing them tomorrow, it being a Friday and what have you.

although they were bought off of a sale rack, they were of a price that i would normally baulk at, but impulse and instinct got the better of me. that, after all, is a purple Lambretta shirt, the kind that The Who would wear, and those strides are indeed of the black jeans variety, and feature my much loved button fly style rather than some sort of ghastly, ghastly bourgeois zip system for fastening up and whatever else it is supposed to do. there shall be a little bit more on both throughout the rest of this blog post, presented as a means for exposing you to knowledge of this next, last novel of the three that i read. and oh hell yes i saved the worst until last.

the gift that this book was happens to have been well intentioned. my friend saw some comments about the Statham here, combined this with the purchase of a DVD with him in (that unwatched In The Name Of The King thing) and assumed that this novel, Blitz, would be an apt purchase. can't fault the thinking, so do not feel bad, gift giver.

as it turns out, a novel which is deemed good enough to be turned into a film starring a latter-day Jason Statham is not as good as it could be. imagine, to use a case from earlier this week, a novel that was considered good enough to be filmed with a post-1994 Gary Busey in it. would you rush to watch that, or read the novel which served to inspire it? i think you are getting the point here. as much as i like the lad, and i really do love a few of his films, saying "my novel was so good that i could persuade Statham to be in it" is a bit like saying, in the present day, "my film was so good that Jedward agreed to do the soundtrack for it". yes, a well known name, but no, the reputation is not what it was, or what it could have been.

a closer gander at my new strides for you, then, if for some reason you are interested.

i think they are called Hamnet Gold or King Hamnet, or something like that. all i know is they are black, they have button fly, and they are of an accommodating size of which my arse will very much appreciate. quite a "win", as you crazy kids today say.

does Blitz have a plot? it thinks it does, at the least. it exists in a world where all cops in London are either corrupt, violent, incompetent, stupid, prone to drug addiction and needing rehab within 24 hours of first taking drugs, gay or a stylish combination of all of the above. there is not one redeeming good copper described in the book.

and yet, dear reader, we are supposed to assume and accept that the great British public, some of whom get murdered "by accident" by the coppers mentioned, are up in arms and outraged when a character wakes up one day and, for no real given reason or motivation, decides to become a most brutal and vicious of serial killer and starts killing coppers at random, and with no trace or clues left. all of this is, i suppose, not impossible, but it is surely and very sorely implausible. the complete lack of any halfway decent, redeemable character in the face of a whole whack of dull, dreary cliche riddled ones made for some really, really painful reading.

bearing in mind that this was all;

in the Third person narrative form of prose, it

-made it even worse reading that randomly the text starts going like this,

suggesting that the novel was in a note stage when it went to print.

And the author forgot to go back and finish it all off, or edit it, or anything like that. if all or even so much as just one of the books this Ken Bruen, whose main claim to fame seems to have been that he was one in jail in Mexico or Brazil or something, has written feature a similar style, i cannot comprehend how any of his stuff has ever been published. it must be some sort of elaborate joke, or a post-modernist sort of statement thing that i have clearly missed.

i am somewhat tempted to obtain the film of this, just to see if they have made the characters and the plots as outlandishly bad and as less-than-one dimensional as they are in this novel. the greater temptation, however, is to not get the film, and to try never again to think of this novel after this blog post has finished.

i am not at all sure what value or weight my opinion counts for with anyone, but i am someone who managed to get all the way through the horrid Inferno by Dan Brown and i would rather read all of that again with a smile on my face than read so much as a single sentence off of Blitz ever again. avoid.

what will i do with my copy of Blitz? don't know. i suspect it may end up donated to one of the places here which sell second hand books to raise funds. i fear that might put people off reading ever again, though. maybe i will just post it to Spiros.

anyway, here is a closer look, or if you like gander, at my smart new Lambretta shirt. yes, it's purple for the most part and yes it was gosh golly expensive.

this is, however, the sort of shirt that Daltrey, or Keith Moon, or perhaps even Harry Nilsson, would wear when they were off out and about around town. it's just banging and very smart it is, to me and in my mind at the least, hence me purchasing it.

will it enhance or improve the way i look? well, it could, surely, not make me look any worse at all than i presently look in the eyes of the world, which is nice. although, strangely, one or two people have started striking up conversations with me on the bus. presumably this comes from a sense of monotony and the frequency with which i am seen on the bus at the same time each day, but still, it's a lovely thing to happen. if my smart new shirt inspires a chat, well then so much the better.

onwards and away i go, then, having competed writing this post but not feeling too good.

except that sneak previews of the next books are something of a bit of a thing here, so let me leave you with an image of the book i am reading now.

very, very good it has been so far. very good indeed.

hope this has been of interest or help to someone in some way or another!



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what William did

hello there

nothing much really. as my (considerably) better half and i were on our way to retiring for the evening last night we noticed that William had arranged some of his Scooby Doo toys in a most interesting way. well, two of them.

yes, that's a werewolf stroking or looking after Scooby. well, we found it most amusing.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Australia Visa Solutions and their curious business ways

hi there

well, this is a most peculiar and strange post. it's not one that i had any particular idea that i would be writing, as for the most part i had forgotten all about it. after an unpleasant day or so with Australia Visa Solutions, though, i thought i had best share my experiences in case anyone is doing a google thing and wondering about using them. here is some information you might quite like to consider.

about 7 years ago - perhaps longer - my (considerably) better half and i decided to move to Australia. this was when it was clear that South Africa had reached the point of no return in its decline. as wonderful as the majority of the people are there, it was a place being ruined by political incompetence and at the time it looked like it would only get worse. this was a time when power blackouts were kicking in a great deal, and the reality of political direction was either Mbeki fiddling with the constitution to stay on as President until he died, or a new, less competent than him President would be selected. the latter happened, and my is it bad.

so, I researched it all and worked out a company called www.australia-migration.com were the people to do it all through. don't look for it, it's not there anymore.

short story - set up a meeting with them, went through the requirements, all looked good, signed up the details, paid them and started to get the ball rolling. yay, Sydney Harbour Bridge.

things, alas, did not go to plan. i would like to stress, loud and clear, that none of it was the fault of www.australia-migration.com. far from it, they were supportive and as helpful as they could be. did they do the amount of work we actually paid them for, though? debatable, but it's hard to complain. would be lovely to declare them thieves, but it's not true.

what happened was very much a bad luck streak at dancing school. as part of our application we needed to provide copies of birth certificates. my (considerably) better half did not have hers, so we applied for one at that bastion of excellence, South African Home Affairs. their competency and dazzling levels of efficiency have been widely reported in the news, with hardly anyone ever in desperation either taking their staff hostage at gunpoint or committing suicide in their branches. we resorted to neither such tactic, but it did take them over a year to produce a copy of the birth certificate. actually, i think it was closer to 14 or 15 months, but hey, give and take.

the Hoges life seemed quite far off, then.

another quirk of fate came along, which again was not the fault of www.australia-migration.com. a change of political party in power in Australia, one that marked a return to those famous isolar, some may say prejudicial, outlook from Australia, came into being. immigration visa things came to an abrupt halt for a while, and when they returned things had changed considerably.

changed, alas, for the poor for us. whereas initially, before the year or so delay thanks to the SA Home Office, we were Grade A, most sought after type of visa applicants, the new government relegated to us to what i suppose would be Grade Z, don't really need, strewth, thanks Sheila. thus, we and our application were thrust to the arse end of a three year waiting list.

three (and a bit) years later and eventually we heard from www.australia-migration.com, who said that our application had now been "accepted" by the powers that be and they would review it. sorry, in the intervening time, we did of course have to update our application, what with William coming along.

we said cool, and let them get on with it. heard nothing more, kind of forgot all about it again.

i think about 9 months ago they got in touch with us once more - something like a year after the above - saying something about medicals and things. at this stage we were full on getting ready for moving to my home, perhaps where we should have opted for in the first place, so we said "not right now" thanks.

i forgot all about it again, but yesterday i got a message to log in at their site as there was a new message.

as you will see, i can't give the full details, but the gist was that they had a "new requirement", which they gave no specific information about, and requested i pay them AUS$650 right now. or it might have been AUS$450.

i replied saying i was disappointed that yet again they had incorrectly spelt the name of my (considerably) better half. i said i was disappointed with all the time taken with all this, that i had pretty much forgotten all about it, and that we had no intention of pursuing the matter at this stage.

in response i got a disgusting, unprofessional message from the company now called Australia Visa Solutions. they accused me of sarcasm, issued all sorts of threats to me on behalf of the Government Department of Immigration & Border Control (which i am not convinced they can do) and told me that i "had better" inform this, that and the other about the decision.

i replied saying their attitude was unprofessional, disgusting and uncalled for. in a rare move, i wasn't actually being sarcastic. spelling my (considerably) better half's name correctly had been an issue in the past too, and i had forgotten all about the matter. i also said i had no idea at all who they had sent what to, and pointed out that they had been appointed and paid to handle all correspondence on our behalf.

response to that? this.

yes, that's right. this new company who seem to have taken over www.australia-migration.com, taken over for the worse, seem to have simply deleted my account. i would be almost certain that this breaches any agreement i have with them, but frankly i cannot be arsed to pursue the matter. just a whine, rant and giving information here thing will do.

so, if anyone from The Australian Government Dudes That Do Visas is reading this, sorry if you were expecting some sort of letter from me, but as i have no clue at all as to what was sent in on my behalf or in my name, there's not much i can do, really. try contacting these twats, if you can find a way of getting hold of them.

yes, getting hold of them is a tricky thing. bearing all the hallmarks of a quality company, there are no telephone numbers, email addresses or other contact details on their webpage. so i can't contact them to ask why exactly my account has been deleted.

well, yes i can. they do link to their facebook page. rather unusual, i would say, that companies would prefer to have client queries aired on social networks instead of via the privacy of an email, but i have given it a go.

do i expect a response to the above? not really, and i don't particularly care. i, rather we, are very happy where we are, thanks. Australia would have been lovely - Ashes cricket sans snow, no less - but things happen for a reason, and i think we are better off where we are.

i can't tell you what to do. all i can say is that www.australia-migration.com were a fantastic company and representatives to work with, but my limited experience of the people who bought them, Australia Visa Solutions, has suggested that they are a disgusting disgrace and someone that i would not willingly do business with. abusing clients and just deleting their accounts is not what i would call the sign of a company one could trust or feel comfortable using.

if this has been of any help or use to anyone at all, splendid, that justifies a little more of the fee we paid.

Australia is an amazing place, and good luck, or if you like fair dinkum, to anyone thinking of heading that way. be careful of your options when you select who gets you there.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

billion, futurology and socks

hello there

well, this is peculiar. or maybe not.

i was in one of them magisterial  pound shops earlier today, right, purchasing some Vimto and chewing gum for the quieter moments of a day at verk where i am unable to show off how class i am at all that quitting / cutting down considerably at all that smoking stuff. i spotted, at a cost of £1 for that is the way of this emporium, a DVD that was called 100 Million BC. i thought that must be, then, a bit like One Million BC, only obviously 100 times better. or even, if you like, ten thousand times better than 10,000 BC.

look, it has a massive dinosaur thing on the cover, as well as helicopters and sh!t. i figured for £1 how far wrong could i go with it? 

i have not watched it yet as such, so i cannot be certain, but imdb seem to suggest that "quite far" is how far wrong i could go with it. also, the last time i paid a pound sterling for a DVD from that shop it didn't go too well. at all.

it was only after i bought it that i noticed it features the one out of The Blue Lagoon that isn't Brooke Shield, or whoever it was. that's bad, that is. in casting stakes, that's like saying "when we set out to make this film, we did so with the intention of attracting a Busey - any Busey - to be in it, and we were happy to accommodate any and all script and plot changes that whichever Busey we got wanted to be in place".

will i watch it? goodness yes. i have a proud, somewhat prestigious track record for having a collection of quality films, but wasting my time watching rubbish. i shall have a gander, and review it here.

speaking of reviews, Futurology, as purchased on the day of release. nice one.

is it any good? yes, yes it is. to me it sounds rather heavily influenced by 79 - 82 Stranglers, in which the anger of the band was very much present but was also giving way to the simply awesome things one could do with a bass guitar in the quieter moments of studio time.

yeah, this is my mp3 thing being charged up and having the album transferred over to it. i suppose i could have just bought the download thing of it, but i like the CDs, and one day when i am grown up i will have my stag set up and will listen to the CD properly. for now, though, the mp3 player will serve me well enough.

highlights of the album? hard to say, really. no, really it is - i have no clue what the song titles are, as i don't sit staring at the mp3 player as it plays. i think my fellow Manics fans have been getting excited about Let's Go To War, which is very much a fair enough thing to do. there is not, so far as i have heard, a bad track on the bastard.

Walk Me To The Bridge, the sort-of single from it, is probably the outstanding moment, but don't let that observation fool you into thinking there's anything bad. i think the only track i have skipped was on the demo disc ("folder"), don't remember which one but when it became clear that Wire, the tall lanky one, was singing it. he is a class bass player and he is really, really good at saying stupid things at gigs, but the chap should not be allowed to sing. well, William's Last Words was good. and Dying Breeds. but other than that, no.

on the demo note, is this "deluxe" 2 CD edition worth it for the extra £5 or £6? not especially. the demo recordings are OK, but won't get played much. infuriatingly, however, the three new tracks on the end of the demo versions are quite good. i would say, if you are considering it, buy the standard edition of it now for about £10, then pick up the deluxe when it is down to £5 to clear stock in 4 or so months time. 

socks? socks. 

i had reason to go along to Sports Direct today. i love this store, as you know, for every penny i spend there gets given by the proprietor to the so-called "cockney mafia" that are apparently intent on destroying Newcastle United. i don't actually think they are, but i am also prepared to gamble coins of money on it on the off chance that indeed they are trying to do just that.

anyway, i needed to get some things for the boys, which i did. they also had some socks on sale which claimed that they would fit me, so i got them too.

and that's probably that for the socks element of this post. i have not had a pair of them on as such as yet, but i am ever the optimist and hope they will fit in a might fine way, going on to serve their purpose thereafter.

so, this 100 Million BC business. here is the back of the DVD box, or if you like a segment or highlight of the back of the box. which, in fairness, makes it look like it might be quite class.

i am pretty sure this will turn out to be one of the worst films i have ever seen. so far one of the best and most positive comments i have seen of it has been that it features "unrealistic dinosaurs". oh well, i will let you know.

anyway, that will do.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

another day of release

hi there

well, this is one of them bourgeois moi, look at me, look at what i purchased posts, so if you are not interested or in some bizarre way offended, feel free to move right along to a suitable corner of the net which does not impinge on your sensibilities. cool, safe journey.

yes. a HMV bag.

it was with nothing but delight, i say, that yet again, just a little while after the Kasabian album i posted about on that day of release.in this instance, though, it all relates to a band that i get even more excited about than Kasabian. granted, there are a fair number of bands that i would list above the Les-Tah massive, as much as i love Serge and all them that are not Serge, but this was an extra special day of release for me. second only, perhaps, to being able to walk in and purchase a Bowie album on day of release, if we assume for the moment that there is no chance at all of any sort of release off of The Stone Roses. an Ian Brown solo is plausible, i suppose, you just don't know.

what was it, then, that got released today that i was all so excited about? well, it is worth pointing out that it was not just me that was excited. observe this, if you will.

to the untrained eye, this might look simply like two ladies sat outside one of them bingo / fruit machine places at eight in the morning, eager to thrust coins forwards towards the slot in the hope of winning more coins of money. i rather like to think, however, that instead this is an image of two ladies commencing the anticipated queue to get to the HMV for when the doors open so that they can purchase the album as soon as possible, so happy and excited are they that it is being released today and can soon be theirs. yes, in fairness, that is quite some distance they are away from the HMV, but perhaps they wanted to be in the queue, but not of a mind to deal with the pressure of being the first to buy it.

what is it, you may ask, that was released today that i and them ladies (might) be all excited about? i must tell you now, before you hit me in the face for withholding information? well, you could have just scrolled down, but for those of a linear mind, yes. here it is.

yep, the new album by Wales' top almost-all boy band, the Manic Street Preachers, look you see. Futurology, it is called, and it has some pretty amazing reviews already.

will my review be here? no, i have not heard it yet. well, i have heard two tracks, Walk Me To The Bridge and Europa Something Something Something, and they are ace they are.

i had every intention of buying the album at lunchtime, right, but as it happened for some reason - presumably to cope with the expected demand - HMV was open at 8:30am instead of 9:00am.

no, i did not go in and buy it at 8:30am. i am not that flamboyant or exciting, really. i was not sure i wished for the pressure of being the first to buy it, but obviously had little interest in sitting in front of some bingo parlour with the ladies waiting. actually, that's not true, i believe i probably would have rather enjoyed sitting in front of the bingo palace with the ladies, but my employers, i would take a guess, would have little interest in me doing such a thing on their time. which is somewhat fair enough i suppose.

yes, there is a closer look at the album on the way, but today i also got a letter off of the House of Commons. i do not recall this ever happening before, so i thought i would take a picture of it and post it here, to commemorate that and the fact that it is unlikely i will get another one off of them. well, not one quite so polite as this.

what was the letter relevant to, or about? regular readers will no doubt be aware. anyway, it was a nice thing to get on a Monday, and it is not at all often that one can say that about official letters. cheers to the fella who sent it, should he for some reason read this.

anyway, you no doubt want to have a gander at Futurology, so here it is.

yeah, i went right ahead and bought that 'special edition' of it. despite the fact that HMV are charging £1 more than one can buy it online for, and the fact that HMV will no doubt have this reduced to about £5 in four or so months from now. i could have got the normal people CD for about £10, but did not. hey ho, i guess this just makes me £1 more of a fan than my fellow Manic fans that ordered it online. and took delivery of the album last Friday. 

erm, yeah. a look inside the CD book thing? OK.

yes, the book thing is indeed all shiny, and with each passing year, you are quite right, Sean Moore looks more and more like a midget Roy Keane.

and Wire looks like a third rate Cillian Murphy impersonator. or perhaps stunt double.

but James is cool, and the three make class music together.

anyway, the back of the box thing.

when will i actually hear the album? tomorrow, i would imagine. i will load it up onto Mr mp3 player and probably listen to it on the bus, or dans le bus, since some of you were quite excited about my recent post on certain French matters.

yes, i know i usually read on the bus, but at the moment i am reading an appalling book that has a picture of Jason Statham on the cover. i think the two are very much related.

another look inside the book/box thing, then, and look, it is all shiny.

so, that's that. i doubt i will post an actual review of the album, as all interested will have heard it and got it anyway.

next day of release? well, Morrissey has a new album out next Monday.

hope you've all had a smart start to the week!




be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lawyers, guns and money

hi there

well, he has not featured on here for a while, what with him going off and having all them tests and that to show how stressed he is, and how, just like any other, normal, rational person, his instinct when spooked is to shoot the living sh!t out of a door, and if it is a bathroom one, well then so much the better. he is back, of course, to his natural habitat of a courtroom, and things have got interesting.

a slight diversion, however, as i quite like this picture, presumably an official one of him of sorts, although he appears not to be selling any merchandise in it. he just has quite a class look of being highly camp on the go here, a bit like he's channelling Larry Grayson and John Inman. sort of, if you like, that innocent "oooh, Betty, the cat's done a woopsie" look about him, as if he were innocent. this look is, if only marginally, better at least than the spew look he pioneered for much of the trial.

a dear friend of mine, sadly no longer with us, once said to me "if you always tell the truth then you never have to remember what you said". i have, through thick and thin, stuck with this, the principal gaining me as much as it has cost. a version on the go of this at the moment would be, it would seem, "if you always tell the truth then you never have to go to America to make a video that you hope with show what you want it to show, but when it is a different truth you want to tell then the video making an appearance makes a certain truth seem somewhat unstable and a whole interesting legal mess of a statement is made as a consequence".

yes, i am referring to that video, and no the video is not here. there is a screen from it just below, but no i am not putting the video up here. although the approach of the lawyers to this video is, to me, exciting.

Oscar's lawyers have made a somewhat unusual statement about this video, a statement few seem to be picking up on the wording of. if you cannot be bothered to click on the link there, the lawyers state that the TV company has obtained the video "illegally". they then go on, however, to state that the TV company has "broken an agreement" about broadcasting it whilst the trial was on. hmn. so, they have the video illegally, yet the "copyright owner", ie the "commissioner" of the video, ie Oscar, has entered into an agreement with them as to when they could broadcast it?

so, if someone steals your car, they have taken it illegally, yeah? would you enter into an agreement with them about using that car, would you?

those who have seen the video suggest that it indicates Stumpie is a lot better at running about, shooting and carrying bodies than the testimony given in court - which didn't involve this class video - would indicate. i am assuming that if this is the case, the Australian TV channel simply opted to show the video as it relates to a different truth from the one presented in court. what could be the issue with them showing the video if the matters it relates to have all been presented in court, i wonder?

picture Channel 7 and, presumably, the commissioner of the video

assuming that the above video was an effort to re-create a variant of truth about what happened, this version would be quite class, as it features a corpse being able to assist with being carried a very great deal indeed.

one of the best elements of all this is the indignation and moral outrage being expressed in some corners about Stumpie's lawyers having the temerity and nerve to prevent shades of different versions of truth in their quest to prove the lack of guilt their client has. the astonishing levels of innocence, and belief in the idea that people work for good as a given, is at least a reassuring element of life in this century.

yes, indeed this is a hot chick that looks like it might have been shot through a bathroom door and then carried somewhere else. add your own punchlines and obligatory groans.

for some strange reason there are people out there that do not believe the lawyers (generously) in the employ of Stumpie should be waving around different shades of the truth in an attempt to convince, if not the world, a politically motivated and appointed black lady that Stumpie did not know who he was killing behind the bathroom door, which makes the fact that Stumpie killed someone OK and he should be set free to wander around, doing all that running stuff he seems to like. the lawyers, they seem to believe, should just stop the trial and tell the judge, for it is she, that actually it might be the case that the evidence suggests that perhaps all is not really as OK as it could be. yeah, because lawyers are supposed to act as judges themselves, look you see, and everyone is perfectly entitled to expect that people should throw away their careers and income because of the morality of someone unrelated to the case.

if you are accused of something, and you are not of a particular mind to simply admit it, then you might wish to consider hiring a lawyer which will be committed to, and indeed uphold, your variations of the shades of the truth. if you wish to be represented by someone in pursuit of your freedom by means of them simply following the general trend of the mood of not at all impartial viewers, then you would be best represented by a tabloid newspaper editor, or a f****** hairdresser.

suing a TV station for both obtaining a video illegally and for breaking an agreement about when they could show the same video is an incredible, admirable level of belief and commitment to the variations of truth. sometimes - not often, but sometimes - i regret not pursuing a career in law.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mentalist french windscreen wipers

hello there

just how little i have driven, or if you prefer how much i have managed to avoid driving, was illustrated by the fact that the day today was the first time ever i felt a need to have them windscreen wipers on. yes, that little driving, considering just how much England is celebrated for the rain festivals one can have.

those of you who would think to presume that i would not usually use the windscreen wipers even if the weather suggested it to be prudent and wise are correct, for i do not like to be all flash and attract attention. however, today it seems a wise approach to just put them on, as we shall discuss later.

i was quite surprised, as the title of this blog post might have suggested to you, as to what happened when i put the windscreen wipers on. i could describe it for you, or i could just invite you to watch a video of my (considerably) better half doing that parallel parking thing which i have no time for, with the windscreen wipers on to the max at my insistence.

yes. quite frantic and bonkers, the speed achieved, attained and indeed retained by those windscreen wipers. i think that they are the fastest windscreen wipers that i have ever seen.

just what is it that got into the French to design and then build such frantic, frenetic windscreen wipers, one must at this stage take a departure of sorts to ponder. i mean yes, just as you did, my initial thoughts were drawn to the idea that they are like that to enhance and simplify the most French of things. i mean, some white cloth or suitable material tied to those windscreen wipers would certainly make the anticipated announcement of surrender should a conflict break out anywhere in the world more pronounced, would it not? however, say if Papa New Guinea decided to invade the Christmas Islands, or similar, i think most at various bodies concerned - the UN in particular - would just take it as a given that the French had surrendered long before Pierre had plucked up enough of that fabulous, famous French spunk to make the effort to tie the white flag to a windscreen wiper.

most curious, then, that they should have done this. perhaps the French simply saw a gap in the market for holding the title of "fastest and most mentalist windscreen wipers in the world", and thus decided that they would make this title their own. they are, i believe, very welcome to it.

speaking of things French, i bought this today. no, not that, the other things. and yes, once again, this is indeed my (considerably) better half modelling things for me, for i suspected you all might be somewhat tired of just me doing selfie stuff.

if, to you, more or less everything in this picture says £3, then i applaud your The Price Is Right like skills of valuation and observation. the Guns N Roses vest type of t-shirt thing cost all of
£3, which is probably the cheapest, legit item of merchandise one can invest in to show off a celebration of the music of Izzy Stradlin and all them others that were in the band.

the toilet paper, which is indeed as point of fact the main point of focus and purpose here, cost £3 for the packet, which does indeed work out at some 33p per roll. we had no pressing need or urgency for the purchase of new toilet paper as such, but the price attracted me, almost in fact as much as the idea of toilet paper being in some way "enriched" with the presence of shea butter. i have no idea at all what "shea" butter is, but butter is butter so let us just assume and accept that it is in fact butter that one finds in their fridge or other butter storage facility. 

the idea of butter in toilet paper, to me, is exciting. actually, no it isn't. it was when i bought it, but now it is not. in retrospect is strikes me as a very, very French thing to do. i shall, no doubt, use it anyway, just to spite them, since they presumably sold this at a substantial loss.

going back to the windscreen wipers, and yes of course there is another video for you to look at them doing their thing. or doing their things, if that is right, since there are two. but they are one in the same, so i am quietly confident that thing is correct.

many thanks to my (considerably) better half for doing all that parallel parking thing with the windscreen wipers on as she did so.

would i, as normal, use windscreen wipers? no, i would not. for me, windscreen wiper use belongs in the same realm of nancy boys, twats, poseurs and general show-offs as indicators do. it's like "oh hey, everyone, look at me, look at me, look at what my car can do, am i not fabulous and special?". i have no interest in such bourgeois and socially divisive displays of opulence; going so far as to say that anyone who uses their indicators is basically saying to the world "i live in a world where i think the Conservatives should be even more brutal towards the poor", such is their apparent commitment to showing off their wealth by doing things like showing off their indicators and windscreen wipers.

ah, some of you might say, but windscreen wipers are important and essential. are they? really? it rains a lot in Europe, yeah? how many windscreen wipers did Napoleon use when he conquered most of Europe? really? none? that many? i think you get the point here. windscreen wipers and indicators are merely ways to increase the cost of cars to the proletariat and allow the oppressive, ruling classes a means to display their wealth. think about that the next time you use yours.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

post, award, c64 and maul

hi there

one of those random posts, although i would suspect all of my posts are of a random nature, but anyway.

actually feeling tired and somewhat unwell, so do bear with me.

a number of people have speculated as to when exactly my love-in with Royal mail would come crashing down to a glorious and spectacular end. that would be today, then, really, with some misfortune befalling Spiros.

i sent him a parcel several days, as point of fact two weeks, ago, and it had not turned up. we made an assumption that some twat postman had decided to steal it, or otherwise do something with it that did not involve delivering it to Spiros. as it turns out, this was not the case.

who knew that using a large letter stamp on a large letter, as prescribed and confirmed by Royal Mail, would in fact not be enough to secure delivery? perhaps it relates to some sort of "London weighting" which means everything is more expensive, but my poor chum has had to shell out coins of money to obtain whatever nonsense i decided to send him.

yes, one hundred and twenty four coins, if your coins are 1p ones. i quite like how their "handling fee" is some 400% the value of the apparent deficiency in the valuation of the stamp. twats, they are - not even banks throw that kind of absurd pricing on service. i bet, for a start, that Royal Mail does not go running around offering to pay back customers that might have spent 24p extra on stamps they used.



moving away - briefly - from matters of the Royal Mail and their apparent ills, although letting me down just the once in slightly over six months, today i found this in the shops. at a most reasonable price,

yes, one of the greatest games made of all time for the single greatest computer of all time. Impossible Mission was a must-have for the Commodore 64, in the way that Bruce Lee, Way Of The Exploding Fist and Ghostbusters were.

nope, i never once finished Impossible Mission, no matter how many POKE cheat codes and things i applied. i could never work out rotating and changing the colour of all them puzzle parts; not even when Zzap! magazine published a guide.

will i be able to finish this version on the Nintendo thing? possibly not. not so much as there are three different versions on it, but rather more because James and my (considerably) better half tend to keep my Nintendo away from me, playing whatever it is they play on it.

if i am lucky i will get to have a go on it, perhaps around 3 in the morning.

also found today was this. yes, indeed, it is a likeness of Darth Maul, a character that not even those who moan and wail about the Star Wars prequels can quite bring themselves to express much in the way of dislike about.

if it looks like a statue, or some sort of figure that one stands on their desk, then that is fine. but it is not one of them. also, it is not a pencil sharpener.

what is it, then? well, we shall get to that.

yeah, i also picked up some other Star Wars things, but i will do pictures of them and all that later on.

also i got some rather smart new threads, but i have hoyed the bag with them in upstairs already, prior to me thinking of taking any pictures. so if there are pictures of them to follow, either as they were handed over from the store or being worn, they will also be at a later date shown here, look you see.

speaking of looking, and indeed seeing, a brief pause if i may for the allowance of you to consider some award winning work my Dad did. presumably the use of toothpaste with love beads shoved in it gave him the confidence to go ahead and take this most impressive picture.

good work, Dad, and well done to Gillian for sending it in on his behalf!

you all can, of course, attain if indeed not obtain some splendid work from my Dad by visiting him at this place of business, Old Grumpy's Gallery. as far as i am aware, he will send stuff on to you, in consideration of a fee of course, wherever you are in the world.


on that note, this is the reciept off of a parcel i sent today. no, it was not for toothpaste, and no it has not gone the way of New Zealand.

it is a parcel that i have sent towards the mysteries of the South African Post Office, an organization that actually does not make my experiences with Royal Mail of late seem all that bad. well, the experiences of Spiros, i suppose, but i suspect he is rather glad to have the toy aeroplane and the deck of playing cards. and indeed the notepad, and the saucy cheeky bookmarks. if all of that is what i shoved in the envelope (large) and put a (large) stamp on and then sent it on its way, assuming indeed presuming that it would arrive with all the haste and efficiency one usually gets with first class. not to be, hey ho.

the last parcel i posted to SA, airmail, took just over a month to actually arrive. it will be somewhat exciting to find out when this one does.

right, back to Darth Maul, then. here he is out of the box.

and here he is with his hood / head cloth off. it does not stay on very well. almost as well, actually, as my blueberry takes pictures and that.

what is it? it's a USB memory stick thing. a 2GB one, if you are all that interested. an impractical one, both in terms of the capacity of it and the unlikely way in which one will ever be able to connect it to a device. in respect of the latter, observe.

yes, the part that connects to a computer or whatever comes out of the arse of the statute. the bulky way of it suggests that i am not going to be able to plug it into my PC at all, so it will be relegated to laptop use i guess.

yeah, it was cheap, so i bought two. i may well randomly post the other to someone, depending on what issues Royal Mail come up with on postage costs.

that will do.


be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

33 years later

hi there

for some peculiar reason - and i am guess it might be a slow news day - the newspaper here is celebrating the 12th anniversary of Boro signing Massimo Maccarone. let that sink in.

moving on, then, and about thirty three and a half years ago i saw The Empire Strikes Back. my Dad will no doubt chip in and correct me on the specifics, but i am all but certain it was in one of them cinema things they have in London (innit), and it was not at all long before we moved to that Australia place.

that would, of course, be the first time i saw the one they called Boba Fett. a minor, trivial character, never intended as anything beyond a lazy plot device. but a character that became the most awesome thing ever that many of us had ever seen.

i would have next seen Boba in that infamous Star Wars Holiday Special, which for some reason got broadcast on TV in Australia. most reports were that it was only shown in the USA, but nope, the kids of Australia, or whatever it is called now, got subjected to it too. he was ace in it, riding some sort of bull thing and having a class lightning stick or something.

hang on, the USA got it before Empire came out, yeah? i think America only got the film a year after everyone else anyway, but no matter, someone else run along and work it out.

is there a point to this? surely. i never got a Boba Fett figure, although i was lucky enough to have just about all the others. Boba Fett was never put on general sale, but Americans could get one by sending off "proof of purchase" things.

the lack of Boba Fett toys for sale has always bothered me, in particular in the face of how many Jar Jar Binks you can buy, and i have never had one of them. oh sure, i have two Jango Fett ones, but never a Boba Fett. that got fixed today.

yes, there he is. boxed for some reason with two other figures; figures presumably that one simply throws away or something after they have opened the box. i am pretty sure in my younger days i had a Snaggletooth and a Sand People anyway. i also had that one we all called "Bumface"; no idea what is actual name was.

the above picture was taken in the shop where i found the Boba. i was, oddly, actually looking for something called Thundercats for William when i found this. found them too, i did, look you see, but never mind that, whatever the hell it is, i got a Boba Fett.

yeah, i know, nothing really special or spectacular about it in a general sense. i could have, after all, got one at any point in the last dozen or more years by simply ordering one off of one of them shops on the internet. that wasn't the point, though. i always wanted the thrill of walking into a shop, finding a Boba Fett and buying it, no matter what price was on him.

as you can see, i got it for an exceptional price. i probably would not have blinked at double that just for Boba Fett, so three for the fee is fair enough, even if two are to be simply binned or whatever. if, of course, i ever open the box.

which i probably will, but just not right now.

what's the enduring appeal of Boba Fett? have you even seen Empire Strikes Back?

Boba Fett not only talks back to and threatens Darth Vader, but also has Vader cowering and offering to compensate him. that would be, right, the same Darth Vader that chokes someone to death with his f****** finger purely because he is displeased with the way the asteroids look.

also, Boba Fett has a Wookie scalp on his belt. you've seen a Wookie, yeah? if we assume he didn't get that from a bin outside a hairdresser, or ordered it off of ebay, well, i would not like to try and get one myself.

also, he just looks class. stylish, menacing, ace.

the spare character on the left (not Snaggletooth who is on the right in red) also, dear reader, allows you to tell the difference between normal people who like Star Wars and obsessive, socially inept nerd types. here is a simple test. show them that character, right, and ask "what is this?"

if they answer :

(a) a Sand People - they are normal, well balanced people who enjoyed Star Wars and are quite happy to call characters by the name they were given in the film

(b) Tusken Raiders - they are dangerous, lunatic brigade members who believe that the films are something far more than family adventure films. they will never, ever forgive George Lucas for not calling at their Mum's house, asking to speak to them and getting the valuable information he obviously needed about making the films much, much better

or

(c) SPARTAAAA - refer them to the Gerard Butler career slide ever since that film came out and wish them well as you send them on their merry way.

anyway, here is not so much one of them "unboxing" videos as it is a "still in box" video for you.

yeah, not the greatest video i have ever put here, which is saying something, but i am pretty sure it is the best ever Boba Fett video i have posted.

back of the box? back of the box.

no, i have no particular interest in buying the other sets. they did at the shop have another set of this one that features Boba Fett, and yeah i am tempted to get it. but no, because that steals away the chance of another fan from getting it.

the big question, will Boba remain in his box, in perfect hibernation if you like, or will he be freed from it?

the answer, i suspect, is both. i think i will keep Boba Fett in his box for a little while yet, then take him out, admire him, take several pictures and then hand him over to the boys to play with. maybe go back to that other shop and buy Slave 1/I too, you know.

they are, after all, toys, and are meant to be played with.

right, that will do. i am off to look at Boba for a bit, and then i have the latest edition of Viz to read, an edition that Spiros reckons is class.


be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that "deal done" for Glastonbury 2015 headliners thing.....

hi there

so, Glastonbury has come and gone. people who claim "oh, it's all a sell out corporate affair" about it kind of miss the point that no one denies this; move along and enjoy the vibes. and one could enjoy the vibes this time, as none of the headline acts overtly spent their sets selling their latest record. instead all the bands, in particular Metallica, just did sets for "the kids".

the Eavis family has, of course, started selling the next Glastonbury festival, trying (fairly) to ensure enthusiasm does not wane. they are aware that Glastonbury is presently flavour of the month for the title of "best thing ever" and thus are understandably keen to ensure sell-outs continue.

the latest comment from Eavis the Senior is pretty much the same one as he gives every year, which is to say that the headliners for next year are already booked. will he say who they are? no, of course, not, as we shall remind ourselves just now, but he has hinted that one is "British" but not sure if the band are.

who could it be? well, the deal was done whilst Metallica were on, apparently. so who was watching Metallica with Eavis the Senior?

no, not Bradley Cooper. yes, that's right, it is Noel. the dull one out of Oasis. and yeah, no, i have not forgotten Bonehead when i make that statement.

you would think that Noel Gallagher will indulge us all with another solo missive in 2015, and a Glastonbury slot would, as it rides on its popularity, help him advertise and presumably sell it a very great deal indeed. i would say chalk one of the three headline spots up as being for Noel, then.

as for this whole "surprise" thing for who is playing at Glastonbury, let us not forget that it has only been in the last 6 years that you've had no idea at all who you were going to get to see at Glastonbury until after you bought your ticket. this move was brought in after the single biggest spaz booking any festival has ever made. yes, that's right kids, in living memory the event was not a "sell out".

to make sure the event sells out, then, they decided to withhold the names of those booked, punting the heck out of the idea that you are buying tickets for "the vibe and the experience" and not the actual bands. very well played, it has worked a treat.

please don't take any of the above as a knock at Glasto. ace, it is. i just wish people would not be so pretentious and precious about it. it's a business, no more, no less.


be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whatsapp clean up

hi there

ah. erm, yes. it has occurred to me that with this title in place some of you might have landed here off of google, bing or, you loveable oldschool types, even yahoo. i had best, then, add some helpful hints about that WhatsApp thingie, which also explains why this post is even here.

i was wrestling with my blueberry phone somewhat, with the device being most insistent that the memory was being all used up. i cleared out all i could, right, but inexplicably it still reckoned that it was using 1.8GB of data. when i ran an analysis thing it said it was using it on "other".

this "other", i found, was a massive hidden file called "thumbnail" or something, with the .dat file extension. it seems those people who made the blackberry (or whatever) phone decided that having a secret feature that makes a massive file of thumbnails of everything you have ever had or looked at on your phone. go figure; there was i assuming that only Apple did things of twatdom like this.

anyway, the file is now deleted, and the phone is working as intended. sort of.

a consequence of my efforts to clean it would be that i have cleaned up all the pics off of my WhatsApp thing. pictures that the people, so to speak, have been so kind as to send me. if for some reason you are interested, here are selected highlight.

first off, here's one (of many) off of Spiros. here's one of a heavily refreshed gent of the road, chilling a bit by some closed down shops. 

this chap is very much living the Spiros dream. what is, you ask, the Spiros dream? he lives with the purpose of one day being able to wake up, discover he has had an accident in his pants, stagger around, drink large quantities of cheap alcohol, wander around and have arguments with himself in the street, have another accident in his unchanged pants, fall asleep and then repeat the whole exercise once more.

it is, i am sure you will agree, an amazing dream. it is one that i partially share, and one that i hope he gets to live one of these days. in the mean time, he uses this chap as a sort of conduit for the expression of his dream; giving the chap as much alcohol as he can consume in the hope that he will, as if by magic, turn around and be dead good at cutting hair cheap and without a two week waiting time.

it is not only the Spiros that sends me pictures off of that WhatsApp thing. oh no, far from it. Richard, as you are aware, sends me images from time to time.

most recently he forwarded a picture of himself posing with a fine, electrical chainsaw. this time he went, to an extent, one better. sadly he does not feature, but here, have a look.

yes. that's a traditional petrol chainsaw, and it is in Commodore 64 mode. that's two of the greatest things in history combined, that is - chainsaws and Commodore 64. nice work Richard, many thanks mate.

to lower the tone somewhat, although also in many respects lift it, let us return briefly to the dream of Spiros. here is a newspaper article he sent me, i believe it was in March.

it is an interesting article, i suppose. i think there was a recent incident where a chap was caught doing some of the business mentioned here in a branch of one of Britain's leading High Street banks, as opposed to those several, following, side street ones.

does Spiros know more than the press reports of these incidents? who knows. i am not prepared to comment, or indeed judge.

a dream that is not a dream for Spiros but is for me is public transport. he hates it, and if it were not for the rather ambivalent approach passengers and authorities have towards on relieving themselves, in all sorts of ways, on public transport then he simply would not use it at all.

i like sitting on a bus, or a train as and when they run, and doing a spot of reading. Spiros likes to get angry with the world, and very angry with the people who have indirectly insulted him by boarding public transport at the same time he proposed to use it.

one of the people in this picture, according to Spiros, is a twat or a tool, or something like that. he was not specific, to a degree perhaps it is fair to say he was non-committal, as to which one of them upset him the most, but if forced to speculate i would dare suggest it was the chap wandering around in a tour t-shirt. note how he wears brown shoes with blue jeans, but does not quite show off the ace style of a cowboy look that i perfected over time in 2013. perhaps it is that lack of cowboy look that has upset Spiros so much.

it, however, probably more relates to the irrational, yet perfectly understandable, hatred, disdain and contempt with which he views the band known as The Eagles. he sees the band as little more than a "poor man's Proclaimers", and it is not like he is all that keen on The Proclaimers, or Scottish music in general.

back over to the world of Richard, and a return to the formidable, exciting and interesting world of Commodore 64 mode picture. here is a packet of Nik Naks in this superior format.

i am delighted to see that someone else is using Commodore 64 mode on one of them iTwat things. that one can take images in this format kind of validates the existence of Apple, making their whole products not all entirely rubbish.

why did Richard send me an image of Nik Naks? no idea. i have no particular fondness for the things at all, what with me not really being partial to cheese based snacks. except pizza. and nachos.

i think these are only available with a degree of exclusivity in South Africa. do i miss them at all? no, not really. why not? well, if you refer to my earlier comments, you will probably work out why not. i would imagine that if i felt an urgent or pressing need for some sort of cheese based snack, perhaps with origins in maize, i could find something to serve as a suitable substitute here. as things stand, though, it is highly unlikely that the circumstance will happen that i wish to look for or pursue such a thing.

for those wondering, no, no progress on the unusual pod of i repair thing i am presently pursuing. i mean, i went past the mender shop today, but in a literal sense. i walked directly past it to visit another store.

more of the dreams of Spiros, for those that want more.

of the many things that make Spiros happy, few equal the joy he has of a big black sausage in his mouth, or eating out of date meat, or living a gluten free life.

happy days for Spiros, then.

yes. of all the amazing things that he could take pictures of, this is what he takes pictures of and promptly sends on to me to have a look at and, presumably, post here.

he sent the back of the box, or if you like packet, too.

anyway, that's that for pictures of interest off of my WhatsApp thing. these are pretty much as interesting as they get, so do be thankful for the ones i got and did not upload here.

if any of these have been of interest, well, nice one.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!