it is so that, at least with regards to time of this being published ("dropped"), the English football league will convene or commence once more. so too the Scottish one, i suppose, but i strive to keep things such as religion and sectarian violence away from here, look you see. before you know it we shall be told again how the "best and greatest" football in the world is back on, with exceptionally high prices being asked to watch the banal and boring futility of it all.
except, maybe not so. if a particular trend from the tail end of last season continues, it might just actually be interesting to watch. that is, of course, if the "fans" still insist on persisting with letting off flares during games. albeit in a cowardly cheating way.
to be fair, flares have been an integral part of football for quite some time. for decades certain hardcore fans of continental European sides have let them off, mostly just to draw attention to their plight of being supporters of lesser teams. in England it's been not too unusual to see them being set off in a game every now and then for a decade or so. yet last season saw it all escalate with fans setting off flares at just the slightest hint of the mediocrity of an average game being broken.
why flares? no idea. my guess is they have somehow become more affordable or at the least a lot easier to obtain than they perhaps should be. once it was so that a flare was the preserve of an emergency event, typically at sea, to raise awareness of the distress one was in and deliver the slight hope of salvation and saviour. i would not be at all surprised if they are now easier - and cheaper - to buy than a packet of cigarettes.
not everyone is enthusiastic about flares being a quintessential part of the football experience now. or any such experience, i suppose. for a start, most football stadium security and safety staff likely don't like them. away from football and legendary hard man, pilot and singer Bruce Dickinson recently, at a concert, likened someone to a woman's vagina in a rather crude way for setting one off.
above, and of course presented in the greater good and glory of Commodore 64 mode, is a glimpse at the chaotic scenes witnessed at Everton on the last day of the previous season. i had no idea they even made flares in blue, which seems strange and would be of little use at sea during the day. here you can see them, the fans, celebrating the fact that their team has managed to reach the minimum requirements of the definition of barely functional. goodness knows what they hold in reserve to set off if they actually achieve anything but the lowest level of expectation.
do i have an issue, quarrel or problem with all these flares being set off at football games? not really. i mean, yes, no, it's not great that they are going off and causing distress to younger fans, or anyone who is improbably at a football match either by accident or in innocence. ultimately it's just yet one more trend or thing in this appalling century i do not understand, but am not likely to speak out against too much for fear of getting cancelled, whatever that actually means.
but that said, if you are going to do something then for goodness sake do it properly. if you really, really must set off flares at football games, then have the courage and conviction of the pioneer of this peculiar art.
yes, indeed, but of course i mean the mythical, legendary Ar$e Flare Man off of Euro 2020(1). his moment of crowning glory is indeed very much picture above. no "woooh, look at me i am holding a flare" from him. oh no, straight up his behind it went, ladies and gentleman. many are the things he has been called, but not once has he been declared a coward.
circumstantial evidence does, of course, detract from the achievements of Ar$e Flare Man for some. a day of drinking cider so weak he had to deck more than a dozen cans and snorting coke so stepped on it would have been safe to feed a baby seal obviously clouded his judgement somewhat. there's also the blatant if not latent homoerotic nature of circumstances, which seem in retrospect to make the actual football or flare somewhat redundant. yes, true, his life as a "roofer" was so unimaginative that the one time he actually got to do something interesting - go on a "stag do" - he had to get it tattooed on his rear. and let us not forget that his general thinking process led to him making decisions such as somehow managing to spend north of £500 on an ill-fitting bucket hat which essentially would have been considered by most to have been overpriced at £20 down Sports Direct.
some have suggested that little ill would affect the world had this incident gone wrong. had it been so that this intellectual giant, who let us not forget rather chose to bribe his way in to football matches for an amount in excess of £250 rather than just spending £200 on an actual ticket, has suffered any severe rectal trauma from his escapade, well, no loss. but this misses the point. he was brave enough to flare right; he believed in doing it proper.
journalism used to be a fine art. once it was so that one had to deliver maximum information with minimal words, such was the price of print on paper. not so now. which is why, i suppose, when the details of the brave and courageous Ar$e Flare Man were reported by the press they took the time to point out that he was a post-2004 era Chelsea fan. i can assure you everyone reading of his exploits was quite aware of this prior to it being confirmed by the press.
how is flare use going to progress, or if you like evolve, during this season? many, i suppose, would prefer it to be not so, that we should (in a sense) move backwards and limit the use of flares at football grounds, rather than accelerate it. if we take it as a given, what next? exactly what will people find reason to set a flare off for? at one point it was just when a goal was scored, or a vague sense of value was reached by surviving in a particular division. now, who knows, we may well see people set off flares every time their team wins a hotly contested throw in, or even something as ambitious as a corner, or offside decision.
if the fans who are insistent on doing flares at football games do it proper - trousers down, flare up the bottom and ignite - then i suppose one really can't complain. at least they are showing true dedication and commitment, and not being part time prawn sandwich eating casual fans. but they probably won't, for they are likely too scared, or plain coward, to flare right.
perhaps - maybe - it will be so that flare use shall take a massive step backwards. as in downgrade in use, or if you like devolve. at certain stages fans have used flares, along with (absolutely) anything else they could get their hands on, to deploy as rudimentary weapons against fans who happen to also like football but ostensibly support a different team. indeed, such has (have) also been used against teams visiting grounds, so as to scare them. this appears to happen a lot when the visiting team is superior, the home fans know it and so try to put them off. please, please, please, please note that i did not, under any circumstances at all, single out or highlight Liverpool in respect of this. although, going on the marketing, apparently i am to stress it "means more" whenever they do it.
my instinct is that whatever happens on the peripherals of modern football - and by that i mean the increasingly decreased in value audience - doesn't matter much. everything about certain matters in the game - the ludicrous last year of transfer for Lukaku, for example - suggests that it's all rather like those high value art auctions and the underbelly of "crypto currency". merely a front for money laundering, or moving money without source and destination truly being revealed. anyone who happens to gain a few coins on the side whilst it all goes on is fortunate, but most will be burned. in particular if they use flares, of course.
will it be so that i shall follow much or any of what goes on in the football? most likely yes, for what else is it would i do with the time if i did not. of course people doing interesting things with items ostensibly designed for use in more marine circumstances is also of appeal.
UPDATE : oh, right. well, that's (pretty much) that, then. according to this news report it seems that flares and other pyrotechnic things will be banned, and those what do a naughty and sneak one in shall be in a good deal of silly bother. the era of Ar$e Flare Man may be over, although i suspect he isn't one to respect the rule of law too much.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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