deathstalker

hi there

so once again i have found some time to watch some videos (well, discs, look you see) and once again i have elected (or opted) to watch rubbish. well, maybe not rubbish as such. trash, perhaps. as the title of this post gives slight indication of i have not watched just one Deathstalker film, but also with mercy i have not watched as many as three. just the first two. 

provenance of my copies of these videos? well, yes, discs. by chance i was in HMV on Oxford Street and they had a few discs for sale on a 2 for £15 basis. an immediate decision was made to buy the Prince masterpiece Sign O The Times, and i felt it best to get another to take advantage of the deal. so, after some consideration, i recalled that i had for some reason always regretted not seeing at least the first of these films, so that was it. the price of it on its own was a curious £17.99, so i guess i "scored" a deal. it felt a bit like that, at least, right up to actually watching them. 

up to now, as in at the time of writing, just the four (4) Deathstalker films exist. quite by chance i am led to believe that a "remake" is, well, being made. or a "reboot" is underway. for what reason someone has decided that what this world is missing is Deathstalker goes way beyond any level of understanding or comprehension that i could wish to access. good luck to them. 

my level of understanding at least stretches to know that the first of these films was more or less made to try and cash in on Conan The Baarbarian, and possibly one of my all time favourites, The Sword And The Sorcerer. to this end, yes, they clocked that what was probably a key success factor in both of those films was the generous and pleasant level of female nudies. let us be honest here, that was indeed a significant motivation for moi to watch them. 

does Deathstalker have a plot? kind of. with little in the way of character development we get presented with the titular protagonist, who gets sent off on a quest to unite three things so as to gain a really mega level of power. what three things? one was a sword, another was a necklace like amulet, and i think the third was some sort of goblet or chalice. of course some "big bad" wishes to do this to have all that class power to do evil things, whilst we are to assume that Deathstalker will do nice things.

yeah, the plot exists as such to tape together scenes of needless but enjoyable nudity, as well as some decent moments of violence. also some rubbish moments of violence, like when people die by just having a sword touch them. being fair there's a couple of decapitations that you would suspect lead to realistic death situations. 

the terrible script is insanely amplified by the intensely bad acting. Richard Hill, who plays Deathstalker, looks like he would find it a challenge to play Richard Hill. not sure who the actor is that plays the "big bad" but in virtually every scene he looks like he is about to break into tears and slump to the ground, wondering how his ambitions for life ended up with him being in this. still, the ladies who kindly take their clothes off in this film are superb. 

being lazy would be to say something scathing like Deathstalker is the worst film you have ever seen right up to the point where you watch Deathstalker II. this, however, is reasonably accurate. it's not like them what made it were not guilty of being lazy. a new actor in the form of John Terlesky (me neither) plays the titular character. well, ostensibly he does. quite a few of the scenes featuring Deathstalker have him on a horse, which apparently required a stunt double. would it have killed them to put a wig on him so as to disguise the radically different hair colour and style? indeed an "acting double" may well have been prudent, but it's not like the scriptwriting dramatically improves here. 

and does Deathstalker II have some sort of plot? more or less. it's pretty much a "homage" to the plot of the much beloved Conan The Destroyer, just not as well developed. let that sink in. from what i could work out Deathstalker is sent off to rescue some princess or other from some evil wizard or other. actually who it is playing the evil wizard (or whatever) seems to think it is worth the effort at least try for a bit of acting, which in context just feels weird. 

every now and then you get some footage from Deathstalker thrown into Deathstalker II. the most confusing of this is where a (literal) pig headed barbarian eats a pig head. it wasn't very good in the first one, so f*** knows why they thought we would wish to see it again. mostly where this is weaker is that there is very, very little nudity on offer. like, or as in, just a couple of scenes. instead they opted to include a number of scenes of some midget getting his head kicked in. whereas this provides some nominal if not marginal entertainment, it's just not as good as what nudies is. 

perhaps to illustrate how much i (apparently) hate myself and to what lengths i am prepared to seek punishment, yes, indeed i did take a provisional look at working out how to obtain III and IV of the not really celebrated Deathstalker saga. both seem rare and pricey. also by all accounts III went for a sort of family friendly rating, which i take as means no nudies so i will never watch. it seems that Richard Whatever returns to, or reprises his role as Deathstalker, and it is filled to the brim with nudies. maybe i shall look for it at some stage, but right now i cannot even be bothered to pirate it off of the internet. 

what hope is there for he remake or "reboot" of Deathstalker? admittedly i am kind of intrigued to see just what, exactly, they hope to "get right" this time. unlikely that it shall be a nudies festival; they don't put nude stuff in films no more as it's no longer a selling point, what with all the filth you can access easily and for free on the internet. let me worry about the new version if they go ahead and actually release it. 

going and putting these films out on fancy blu ray is an obscene waste of resources. if what Greta says is true and that every time someone uses plastic one of her dreams gets stolen then not a single, precious dream she has should have been taken from her for this sh!t. but yes, also, both films do kind of fall into that "so bad it's good" category. mostly the first, mind, as that's where the nudes are. 

be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!