we are, here in the England of the UK, and indeed in the context of the wider region known as being a hemisphere north of the equator, look you see, in a kind of quasi "peak" summer time. this is, at the very least, true of the time of publication. if you are reading this, for some reason, around Christmas, well, then not so no more.
a consequence of this particular season is the (discernible) rapid growth acceleration of our fine, proud British grass. to clarify, what with so many terms being hijacked these days, by grass i do indeed mean just regular grass, the stuff what grows on lawns. should you have arrived at this moment on the internet expecting to read of the other form of grass, continued reading is, alas, likely to disappoint.
one of the many (many) unwritten laws under the English way of doing things is that you must mow the lawns of your residence as and when it gets over a specific height. yes, it is also that the height in question is also unwritten. this must be done even in the face of frequent growth spurts.
it is equally true that laws as they pertain to lawns are as unspoken as they are unwritten. there is an expectation that all shall be intrinsically (if not internally) aware of the length reach by which it must be cut. failure to do so attracts the most sternest of judgements. yes, people will walk past your home, give a stern look and - in some extreme cases - tut. or give the ultimate sanction, which is that they shall speak when the matter should be unspoken, saying "well, really" in a very short voice and then walking off in disgust.
no one, of course, is disputing the necessity to have correctly, partially neatly mown lawns. a major issue, however, is when they should be cut. as in, the time of day at which such an action, or act, or indeed activity, is permissible and acceptable. with prolonged (protracted, maybe, depending on what that word actually means) periods of daylight being prevalent at this time of year, there are some, if you like a certain type of d!ckhead, who will insist on tending to their lawn cutting obligations quite early on in the day. especially on weekends.
mindful of the fact that we are now, ostensibly, "free" of these so-called EU regulations set by so-called bureaucrats in a place called brussels, perhaps now is the time that we take certain unwritten laws of the English way of doing things and actually write them down, so that all may obey them. starting with the permissible times after which one may mow the lawns.
believe me, fear not (or worry not), i am not proposing anything radical, esoteric or generally against the grain of the English way of doing things. far from it. just setting some rudimentary, yet legally binding, rules - laws, if you like - about the time on days when mowing lawns may be permissible and, most importantly, acceptable.
the proposal i have is that we set a common, mutually beneficial time for days on which mowing may happen after, but under no circumstances before. nothing dramatic. let's say that on Monday to Friday no mowing may happen prior to 8:30am, before 9:00am on a Saturday and, respecting trading laws, 10:00am on a Sunday or Public Holiday. set out in clear, simple terms - like how, for instance, our beloved government has set out the basics for living with this new plague - everyone will be able to follow and understand them.
failure to respect these time guidelines which are suggestions that are actually unquestionable laws should, of course, carry rather serious repercussions. anyone found to be violating the time, for example, mowing their lawns on a Sunday at 9:00am, shall be placed on a list. let's call it the Lawn Offender Register. once on this list you cannot ever be removed, and when you move to a new premises (since in your shame you cannot remain in your existing home), it is a requirement that you visit each of your neighbours (which is to say everyone on your street and adjoining ones) and explain to them that you are on the Lawn Offender Register.
should that punishment sound quite harsh, well, that is because it is. the idea would be that the fear of finding yourself on the Lawn Offender Register is the thing which ensures compliance with the law.
it is a regrettable part of the obscenity and public decency laws we have that people cannot have "i am a d!ckhead" tattooed on their foreheads, no mater how clearly desperate they are to do so and show off how proud they are of what they are. a change in law to allow this would mean some people could cease drawing attention to the fact that they are indeed a d!ckhead, which at the moment they do now by mowing lawns early in the morning, or by standing in their drive, frequently revving poorly maintained and shoddy, lesser vehicles such as lower class models of car and woeful motorbikes.
well, anyway, that's my idea (or notion) put forward. there, i have said it. please don't let how poorly i have written it all detract from what a good idea it is, and thank you for giving it consideration.
be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment