paper

hi there

i recently had a request from a friend to present a picture of me holding something that was paper. this relates, to a degree, to my scissors incident from a day or so ago. that, or some bizarre Kurtz type thing. anyway, the only really interesting paper thing close to hand was a four year old edition of that most celebrated of newspapers, the Sunday Sport.

why would i have a four year old copy of that, or any copy at all? well, it's wildly amusing for a start, and has lots (and lots) of saucy pictures in it. whenever someone heads over to England i always request a copy of it to be brought back.

anyway, here is the picture as it was requested, and there were two rather interesting things to note. one of them relates to why i have kept this paper.

the first thing i noticed was that i seem able to do a rather good Kubrick impersonation with the current state of my beard. having most of my face obscured helps it look a bit like the great one, too!

the other thing is the headline there. no, not the Tina (whoever she is) thing, but the thing about Jack Tweed, or more importantly his apparently randy new prison "pal". it is for the article that goes with that headline that has seen me keep this copy of the newspaper, for it is priceless.

as the article was too big for an A4 scanner, i had to use all my MS Paint skills to try and bring the article to you. i really hope you can read it. 

this story enchanted an entire office, and just about everyone i know who i have shown it to. for a start, the "Bum" thing looks added in at the last minute. i think we can guess what word was supposed to be there.

when we read this we were all really impressed with the story of Al "Randy" Lomax. he sounded truly awesome, far better than anything ever created for the TV series Oz or any other prison thing. sadly, Lomax appears to be just as fictional as any character on Oz. it would seem that James Crisp just made him up, if even James Crisp is real.

hang on, let me upload better segments of the article here.

hopefully that allows for clearer reading, i think if you click on it then it might go even bigger. 

we have conducted extensive google searched on Al Lomax and, to date, we have found no such person anywhere at all in the world. well, we have found people called that, but none look like this picture and certainly none of them have been described as any sort of "bummer", let alone an apparently prize winning one. i am not sure how they judge that, really.

as it happens, on a confidential and secret level my very good friend Spiros is registered on just about every "man for man" dating site in the world. he reliably informs me that the picture above looks typical of the "bear" type of gent, and that kind of picture would not look out of place on such a site. the newspaper probably borrowed this picture, then. to try and find Lomax Spiros has kindly met and had an interlude with one or two such "bear" gents, but none have turned out to be him. 

i have no doubt at all that there are chaps like him in prison, but i raise an eyebrow at "non-consensual bum crime" being given as the reason for his conviction. i am no expert, but i suspect that is not quite the actual legal term for whatever he did.

it is debatable, of course, as to which is the most twisted mind - the writer who created this clearly fabricated tale, or me and several others for finding the wording incredibly amusing. it's very much like a Viz article, really.

my knowledge of the gent who Randy Lomax took such a shine to is limited, really. i think he was involved with that "reality" TV woman, the one that everyone seemed to absolutely hate and mock right up until the point she was diagnosed with cancer and then all of a sudden everyone loved her. i suppose one could try and contact him off of that twitter thing or what have you and ask if he met any gents like Lomax whilst in prison. feel free, i really cannot be bothered. i have a nagging suspicion that i read in Private Eye that a certain Max Clifford "represents" him. it could be worth asking him for comment, although i suspect he would be reluctant, for reasons that escape me, to discuss any such prison shenanigans presently.

if you have been midly amused by this newspaper article (or whatever you would like to call it) then nice one, if you have been offended, well, sorry about that.



be excellent to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!