South Africa's Chuck Norris (it is alledged)

i have no idea what this is. thanks Matt, i am sure that Mr Mervin Fraser will enjoy it


· Riaan Cruywagen is fluent in twenty seven of the eleven official languages.

· Riaan Cruywagen knows the news before it happens.

· Riaan Cruywagen knew you would say that.

· Riaan Cruywagen is cryogenically frozen every night for EXACTLY eight hours.
His brain impulses are monitored during this and used as templates for deciphering elaborate ancient manuscripts.

· Riaan Cruywagen had a telekinetic showdown with Johan Stemmet. After draining all of Stemmet's powers and rendering him severely retarded, he created Noot vir Noot and made Stemmet the host.

· Some people believe Riaan Cruywagen wears a toupee - he has, in fact, one perfect hair. The one that covers his entire head - giving it that, 'not quite real' look. Riaan himself is not quite real.

· Riaan Cruywagen was the original model for Michelangelo's statue of David. Unfortunately, that was in the early years of Michelangelo's career and he wasn't yet artistically mature enough to capture the Cruywagen essence. He nearly drove himself mad with frustration until eventually he decided to settle for his number 2 choice of model in Chuck Norris who was only 3 years old when he posed for Michelangelo.

· One night during an ad break on the 8 o'clock news, Riaan Cruywagen mentioned to the makeup lady that he was 'tired of this apartheid nonsense'. Nelson Mandela was released from prison the next day.

· Riaan Cruywagen wasn't born, he thought himself into existence.

· The only man made object visible (with the unaided eye) from space is the Great Wall of China. Riaan Cruywagen can see the Mir Space station with his 'unaided eye'.

· Riaan Cruywagen never blinks; if he does the entire world would just not happen for that split second.

· When Sir Edmund Hillary reached the summit of Mount Everest, he was welcomed by Riaan Cruywagen, who briefly interviewed him, before wiring the information through to the SAUK.

· The SAUK is actually a front for a secret society of Swiss Bankers who manipulate the world's economy, and is chaired by non other than his most Worshipful Master, Riaan Cruywagen.

· In binary code the word "Riaan Cruywagen" looks like the shroud of Turin.

· When he was three Riaan Cruywagen successfully reinvented the wheel. For his second birthday party he entertained guests by coming up with the first highly successful prototype.

· Riaan Cruywagen will never die. His soul gets transferred to another identical body via various arcane rituals and current nano-technology thrice fortnightly.

· Bruce Willis' character in Die Hard is based on the unpublished autobiography written by Riaan Cruywagen at the age of 15.

· Riaan Cruywagen is an accomplished author and poet - though, humble by nature, he chooses not to write under his own title but prefers to go by psuedonyms such as W. Whitman, E . Hemingway, Proust, JD Salinger and G Chaucer - amongst others.

· Riaan Cruywagen's first job was tutoring Pythagoras.